Lunar Fox Posted December 1, 2014 Report Share Posted December 1, 2014 Hi everyone I'm new and just seeking people to be in contact with to escape the loneliness of doom and depression when it strikes without being judged or dismissed. I have a few friends and family, but I don't like to inflict my misery on them as all that happens is they feel uncomfortable and dont know how to respond. Which makes me feel worse. I'm currently on SSRIs to help with postnatal depression, although I have had periods of depression over the last 20 years. I have my review appointment this week and am considering raising my concern that I may have BPD. I'm scared to do this in case (a) the doctor is cross that I'm making self diagnoses, ( the doctor dismisses me out of hand or © they take it very seriously and take my children away. So it's a bit of a turmoil in my mind. Nothing new there then. So here's a piece I wrote to try and explain to her my point of view, my mental existence, without actually suggesting BPD. "I am ruled by my emotions. They can flare up out of nowhere and consume me without warning and the thinking part of me gets washed away by torrents of feelings that I cannot escape from or control. I have to write it all down as it's hard to remember things when I want. It's like how when I feel happy I can't remember feeling down and when I'm in a deep well of doom and depression, it feels like that's where I've always been. It is hard, being thrown around by the endless stormy sea of emotion. The only thing that seems real is the way I feel. It colours my world and controls my behaviour. I live each emotion fully and completely. When I'm in a rage, it overtakes me, I become the purest red anger, intent solely on correcting the wrongness with my righteousness. Writing this I can see how vulgar that sounds, but the part of me that can think vanishes when the feelings rise. My love is also high intensity, of a depth that consumes every fibre of my being. My whole life I have wanted only to love and be loved in return, but the strength of my feeling cannot be reciprocated. Not, as I believed, because nobody cares about me, but because the all-encompassing nature and obsessive qualities of my emotions are not normal." *sigh* life can be SO hard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted December 1, 2014 Report Share Posted December 1, 2014 Hi Lunar, I think what you wrote is a good start to explain how you feel. I don't think you're at risk of losing your children unless they're in a serious threat. If you still can take care of them and show them love, I see no reason they would be taken away from you. I can see you're trying really hard and I encourage you to keep holding on. Life is hard but it's also so worth it. Weather you have BPD or not, I wish you an efficient review and that it helps you knowing yourself better and getting the right treatment. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted December 1, 2014 Report Share Posted December 1, 2014 Its true they dont just take your children away. As for being angry at you for self diagnosing, a good doc wouldnt get angry, thats very silly and Ive never heard of it. I hope you find the courage to see someone about it as therapy and sometimes meds really canmake a difference. Also wishing you a warm welcome and hoping youll find the support here you need. Lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Fox Posted December 1, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2014 Thanks for your replies, it is so good to finally talk about this stuff, I really appreciate the support. my parents and friends are lovely, but none of them can handle my talking about mental health issues. I guess it's still highly taboo for most people and when you are suffering from something too complex and long standing, it's too much for outsiders to get their heads round. I'll try and talk about this with my doctor, my Health Visitor thinks I'm a brilliant mum, so I need to try and hold onto that thought. I have the docs on Thursday, wish me luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted December 2, 2014 Report Share Posted December 2, 2014 Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted December 3, 2014 Report Share Posted December 3, 2014 Good luck, Lunar! I hope all goes okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Fox Posted December 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 Ok, so I bit the bullet and went to my review armed with the NHS symptom list for BPD, on which I had highlighted all that applied to me. The doctor didn't argue or dismiss or any of the things I feared she might do, she just said, oh yes, borderline is quite common. Then she upped my dose of antidepressants and explained that when I finally get my appointment through to see a counsellor, I can go through everything in detail with them. She listened to what I had to say and agreed that my chronic episodes of depression, anxiety, divorce, bankruptcy etc do indeed fit the criteria. So I'm in the system, playing the waiting game. Hopefully the increased meds and my SAD lamp will start improving my mood soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 Gald that the review went well. You're on the right track, Lunar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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