madmansadman Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 Hello, Well, like many of you, ive ended up here during the realization of my mental illness..I am 40 yrs old and male,,,I'm not as yet diagnosed but am getting tests friday, also getting tests for ADD, finally. I'm basically in a mess..its all a lot to take in..ive known things werent right for a long time but somehow didnt get the help i needed...Ive had a recent break-up and it was her that told me i might be suffering from BPD..she has done no contact on me, barred me on mobile, removed on facebook, only contact was email but that has stopped now, ..ive stopped bothering her now,..this was all over the last three weeks, i have been in and still coming out of utter hell..Ive been reading all the information online and it had devastated me...I always imagined ego death as quick and liberating, not slow, tortuous and debilitating..I desparately need to talk to someone who understands..my tests are on friday thankfully. Thing is, the CBT i had recently started for undiscerned issues was stopped when this came up, so now i have to wait for therapy again while they do tests. Need one now! Ironic that i start therapy and within 2 sessions i lose my shit and sabotage my realtionship..I'm sure i meet criteria after reading so much, still so confused about her though, cant get over it..cried everyday since (three weeks)..had one "ok" day yesterday then back down again tonight/today (just checked the time, couldnt sleep)..and not sleeping well at all..last week they gave me mitrazapine, atarax, and propanalol which all made me feel crap so i stopped taking them..none of my herbs and supps doing the job properly..could kill for some valium.. ..really need some advice, am really scared of how i am going to come away from shrink on friday, really scared of everything i have to face ahead, dont have that many friends to turn to and even fewer family, ive really isolated myself..cut myself off from so many people..been such a dick, never took responsility...many of the things explained online hurt like f***ing hell..the non-bpd perspectives are horrible, downright inhumane some of them...god, if its not utter devastation and sadness its complete rage at having to hear all this... So much more to say, so much more to the story, so much confusion and despair, so alone, so much pain, so afraid.. I'm hanging in there even tho, i have one very good friend that has tolerated me and stuck by me..ive got back in touch with my sister and my step-father to let them know whats happening..ive read so bloody much about BPD now, looks like there are ways to recover, looks costly as well though, im on a very low income so hoping to get a loan of some sort or find some waay to make more money for therapies...am taking high dose fish oil and st.johns wort but gota wait a while to wait for those to kick in, i hope something can lift me out of this hole before then... ok, i'm gonna stop there, thank you for listening, hope to get to chat to some of you soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 (((Madmansadman))).....I cant write much just now as on the move and it is very bumpy on train.....I just wanted to say welcome....youve come to a lovely supportive forum.....it sounds very tough at mo.....hang in there & catch you laters.....pickles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madmansadman Posted December 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 thanks pickles, im really struggling at the mo, im basically in crisis, none of my "friends" understand, i can't talk to them anyway,too much too dump on them..i have no one to talk to properly about this, i dont even have money for credit to call a crisis line...im so fucking scared and alone..i keep thinking to reach out to my old ex gf, she knows me very well,we havnt stayed in contact tho...been 2 years, i have no intentions other than i need a friend right now, is this a bad idea? ..cant think of many others that will be able to help...we stayed amicable after the split but i just havnt spoke to her for a while, she does occupational health so understands the field at least a bit..just dont have many options of people i trust or feel close enough to turn to... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted December 5, 2014 Report Share Posted December 5, 2014 (((madmansadman)))...........Hi...xxx There is so much negative stuff out there on BPD and it can be terrifying to read and to feel that we relate to, too......but there are also many good books and readings on recovery and managing and seeing more the positive rather than all doom and gloom. Some people who share their MH conditions and how they manage and what they have done can be truly inspiring, agains the odds of bad readings...........They have learned not just to be their diagnosis, if you get my meaning..........I came here over 2 years ago convinced I had BPD............all the online tests I did pointed me in that direction............Ive learned so much from being on this forum, about myself, about BPD about trauma and its effects, about depression, anxiety...........and to be honest I feel I have a bit of everything.............the most important thing is to get the help that you need to manage yourself, and cope better, rebuild..........this can take time.........it sounds like you are well on the way to at least starting this process..............I wish you all the best for tomorrow with the tests............I know I went for assesment and thought I would get answers straight away, but it didn't turn out like that..........I guess people, even the professionals have got to get to know us truly, and not just what we want to or do present for a couple of hours...........so it might take a while to truly know what is going on............I will be thinking of you..............Its so important to be around people that are going to listen to. us and not judge us................you mention your ex................I guess, what I'm thinking, is that, it is good, though not always comfortable, to look at our motives sometimes for why we want to get in touch....................I would imagine you would be needing some support and love right now, which could get complicated maybe do you think?.......Not sure, and with your recent break up too..........I would imagine if it were me I would desperately need to be held right now.........I'm sending you gentle holdings ......You have us here, and I hope you will feel comfortable to stay around,.............peeps are great..............and do understand..............I'm sorry your CBT therapy stopped.................Hopefully this can either resume in the not too distant future, or a different type of therapy depending on hopefully what the professionals will think will help you at this time..................There are free numbers you can call for crisis lines like Samaritans even from a mobile.............I was wondering also in what area you are in..............MIND are excellent...............do you have a MIND near you?................I hear that money is so very tight...............Thinking of you for tomorrow and please let us know how you get on...............Pickles.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madmansadman Posted December 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2014 thank you so much for your kind words of support Pickles...I can see already that you really do understand, which is something i have had a hard time finding amongst friends. Its such a relief to hear some of the words ive needed to hear, it brings a tear to my eye. Thank you. X I'm out the door shortly for my appointment and will post later to say how it went..I spoke to the clinican last night on the phone plus a good friend came to see me, he listened and gave me some sound advice..also, my old ex (not recent one) got in touch and is up for talking/seeing me.. We were friends for many years before dating so it should be ok. We should be able to communicate clearly if awkward emotions come up, we know each other well.. I'm in the Brighton area and am aware of MIND, ill see about getting in touch with them, i really want to find a support group to join where i can sit with others in similar situations and talk and listen.. I'm sure that would help me feel less alone. ...could you please tell me the titles of some good books to read? thanks X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted December 5, 2014 Report Share Posted December 5, 2014 Hi ((((madmansadman)))))............All the book and videos that I have learned about I have heard about from here, so I don't want to take the credit.............I'm thinking you are asking about books on BPD..............? Whatever happens this morning, and I will keep an eye out to hear how you have got on laters, it can only help to do as much reading as possible................Take a look at this link from one of the topics here on books.........As much as BPD is a diagnosis in itself everyone is different also within the diagnosis, so some books help some, and others others............blooming heck..........what terrible writing I have this morning............(lol) I hope this link works......... I'm glad to hear about your old ex and that she has been in touch...................It's good that you were friends before...........and it sounds, from what you say that if awkward emotions come up...........you'll be able to handle it.xxx I'm glad she is there for you............. There is also a wonderful book, that was recommended to me also, re self care.............'Self Compassion' by Kristin Neff........... Thinkings and catch you laters.............Pickles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted December 6, 2014 Report Share Posted December 6, 2014 (((madmansadman)))..............Hope you are ok and wondering how you got on yesterday?.............Pickles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madmansadman Posted December 7, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2014 ..am ok-ish, just a bit shell shocked. my appointment went well but it looks like its gonna be another few weeks or so before I get to see a psychiatrist to make the proper assessment...also, the internet trail has led me find some info to suggest that I may have been the victim of a covert female narcissist...she has hurt me so fucking badly..just knowing what the fuck she might be is taking the sting out a little..when i have time ill go into a bit more and see if anyone can shed light on my experience..gota try and get some sleep for now.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted December 7, 2014 Report Share Posted December 7, 2014 (((madmansadman)))..........Yes it can take time, but well done you for getting to your initial appointment, cos it is scarey and opens up so much else, searching, and seeing and hearing and experiencing other perceptions too, not only of ourselves but of others.........I hear about feeling OKish............It would be great wouldn't it if we could get quick answers and then be able to move forward............I didn't get a quick answer either, but am learning a lot about myself and those around me, in my journey..........Hang in there (((hugs)))..........take care of yourself till your next appointment............was any therapy suggested meanwhile?..........I hope you got some sleep..........Thinkings.xxx..............Pickles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted December 7, 2014 Report Share Posted December 7, 2014 Welcome on these forums. Here you can really be yourself and talk freely. There are BPD people here who'll understand what you're going through. If I can do anything to make your stay here more comfortable, please be sure to let me know. I wish you a very nice evening and a restful night. Take good care, you seem on the right track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madmansadman Posted December 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2014 Thank you for the warm welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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