walker Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 didn't know where to post this its not really bad day but doesn't feel great either anyway in case anyone is interested or has anything supportive/encouraging to say we thought we would tell you we moved back to this area mainly because that is where the mh unit is - we THOUGHT we were coming back to a certain level of support - but that all went tits up, as some of you know, and we got in such a state we couldn't go there at all we have had no contact at all with them since mid september a triumph show them we don't need them show them we are fine show them WE ARE NOT DEPENDENT hmmmmmmmmmmm well inside us wanted to go back, so we emailed last week and met them yesterday and just to fk with our head a bit more the psychologist who can nolonger be our key worker - was at the meeting its so bloody sad because he is so good and we miss his understanding and support anyway it was hard, we end up in tears, rocking, fk knows he even pointed out that we were 'switching' between 'we' 'i' depending on what we talked about we were in a mess but it still feels like home there we are confused because he was saying we had to commit 100% to change ???????? how can we do that when parts don't want it he is saying we need to be stable wtf? we are bpd - bpd and stable???? we got into a real state coming home and sent crazy emails to unit, which we thought would blow it since it would show how triggered we could get within 1 hour of seeing them anyway psychologist rang today he says the whole team want us back they all think we should be there but they want us to do at least 4 months just 'being' there to rebuild our trust/relationship with them then they will reassess we are scared parts want it parts dont they want us to commit shit we are scared but they say they need us to be more stable because before we got too distressed to do the work scared Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol-E Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 Sorry nothing useful to say but XXXXXX Big hugs XXXXXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 Sorry, I know it must get irritating for me to always be saying 'I have been in a similar position...' but I do so only so that maybe it can help you... About 2 years ago I was discharged from my psychiatrist, my CPN, everyone. They said I had to do 9 months alone to prove I was stable enough for more therapy. I was absolutely gutted, so so sad and felt so abandoned when I felt I needed them most. Like you, I thought 'they have diagnosed me with BPD and now they tell me I need to be STABLE...???!!!' So, I was on my own and reluctantly did the time - I had no other choice. Now, as you know, I am back in therapy. And much to my disappointment(!) they were right, something IS different. I am able to connect to the therapy in a way I have not been able before. I know this is not exactly the same position as they are suggesting for you but it is perhaps a little similar. I can totally understand why you feel so confused by their involvement - the psych especially, it does seem that they are somehow playing games. But I think it is good that they have told you the whole team want to see you back, it is a positive assertion that you do need to be there and they are prepared to support you - one that many people don't get in fact! I know 4 months more of just 'being' will seem like forever but it is worth it if you can experience therapy and recovery on a different level afterwards. Sending hugs your way xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 Hi I'm glad that they are offering you support, even though for the beginning it will 'just being'. It sounds scary that they are wanting you to commit, when there are parts of you who want to but others who don't. I do hope that you come to whatever decision feels right for you. We will be here regardless Take good care xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted December 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 artemis we remember we seem to remember that time had no idea it was so long ago and didn't remember who it was but we did remember seeing you go through it and the doubts and then you getting there (hope it was you!!) oh oh dear we just don't know conflict inside much easier for them to sit outside and say we all need to want the same thing that just doesn't happen don't know if it ever has oh we are hearing all sorts inside we don't know which way to go he did say well you could wait another 10 years then come back but then I don't think you will ever do the work you need to its like insiders keep pushing one another out the way to say what we should do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted December 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 oh god we want to run just run run hide cease Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 Aww walker it is good news I know parts don't want to be there but listen to the parts that do, it's good they are willing to let you back for a while and to just be there. I understand your scared and it's so hard seeing someone who helped so much I get that with my social worker and used to cry everytime I met her anywhere but it doesn't get easier it really does now it doesn't matter so much. I'm in trauma therapy and was told as well I had to be stable but I told her she needs to work with me as I am as it doesn't get anymore stable than this they all need to understand that I think. Hugs walker you are doing the right thing even though it doesn't feel like it xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted December 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 thank you we so much want to run right now our head is saying over and over don't do this don't go back you don't need them you are pathetic and weak there is nothing wrong with you they are all wrong you have tricked them all you are so bad don't go back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted December 5, 2014 Report Share Posted December 5, 2014 I totally understand walker I say the same things to myself that I'm not really sick and that I don't really need them but they aren't that stupid are there they aren't going to help us or support us if they genuinely don't think we need it, they would help you if they didn't see you needed it. I think it takes courage to ask for help espcially when parts of you are saying no that you don't want them and that takes real courage to go back xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted December 5, 2014 Report Share Posted December 5, 2014 artemis we remember we seem to remember that time had no idea it was so long ago and didn't remember who it was but we did remember seeing you go through it and the doubts and then you getting there (hope it was you!!) Yes it was me! And yep, next month it will be 2 years since they discharged me for the time out to 'stabalise' - it amazed me that it has been that long too! I agree with addy - asking for help when not all of you are in agreement does take courage. In fact, asking for help at all takes courage!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted December 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2014 well today we don't need them we don't need anyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted December 6, 2014 Report Share Posted December 6, 2014 Walker...take the opportunity...please, you did a brave thing in contacting them Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted December 7, 2014 Report Share Posted December 7, 2014 Hi Walker. We can totally understand the confusion because some insiders want and some don't. We are the same, never according to each other, some saying yes and some saying no. If you feel that going back could help by a tiny bit, please consider going. It's a sacrifice on short term for a benefice on long term. Hope you don't get too scared. We are here if you need to talk. B inside says he encourage you to do a meeting between yourselves. Give speech time to each one of you and expose the reasons why you want to go/don't want to. Then you can all weight the benefice vs the risks and make a positive decision. Much courage to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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