Lengthy & First Post - Apologies - Just Need Some Advice.

[vikkiifyable]

Dear all.

Thank you in advance for any advice. I will try to keep this short and simple so I don't bore you or wear your eyes out. I was just wondering if anybody could give me any information or potential causes of the below thoughts/feelings. I have been suffering from these for most of my life but thought it would be interesting to see if anybody else had similar though patterns:

- A general up and down of motivation. One day waking up and being totally excited to be productive (sometimes I struggle to get to sleep through the excitement of waking up and being able to work!) then loosing all of the motivation after half and hour or so of working.

- Constantly distracted in most situations, finding it difficult to sit and watch a film without fiddling with something else or scrolling through my phone, 'phasing out' during conversations and forgetting to listen to what the other person is saying.

- Severe insecurities about everything to do with appearance/weight/what others think of me but struggling to find motivation to do something about it in a healthy way like an exercise regime, instead I just starve myself until late afternoon where I will then eat excessively in the evening due to being so hungry.

- A perfected ability to not think of consequences. For example, I will cancel a day of working and avoid thinking about the fact that I cannot afford to loose the money.

- The inability to work a full week without re-arranging hours or taking a day off. If something different is happening (dealing with a new client etc) then I will work the hours I had agreed but I seem to need to take a day off every week or to change or re-schedule my hours in some way. I wake up, decide I cannot face it and call in sick or re-schedule.

- I very rarely stick to a job. In the last 4 months I have went through around 3 jobs. I decide I want to do office work, then hate it or don't turn up for the first day, so I then move onto shop work and then hate that and go to something else. At the moment I do domestic cleaning as the change of locations and short 'shifts' seems to enable me to stick to it easier, but I'm still not attending some days or changing things around.

- 'Fantasies' and thoughts about breaking my arm, or being diagnosed with something. To be clear, I do not wish for death or to be dead,but the idea of breaking my arm of something that isn't life threatening seems to be appealing to me. I walk up stone steps sometimes on my way to work and I often think that I could probably shatter my knee if I just caused myself to slip. I purposely don't do it as the thought of passing strangers rushing to my aid puts me off.

- Thought based scenarios of self harm or dying. Again, I don't wish to be dead but the idea of jumping off a tall building or just sitting on the edge of a tall building or taking a harmful amount of pills crosses through my mind occasionally.

- Breakdowns. If you can call them that. I'll go through life, then suddenly I crash, mostly once every two months, I will cry for hours on end, be overwhelmed with unhealthy thoughts and generally feel in pain both physically and emotionally.

- Constantly plagued by some sort of ache or pain, I wake up with a sore throat, or a cough, or I develop a stomach ache or a headache. It gets worse in the evening, there is always something wrong, something aching.

- Fatigue. Always. I can sleep for a month or a year. It's always there. I hate waking up early, despite the fact that it makes me feel better, I feel tired and it comes on pretty badly around 1pm-2pm, this is mainly if I am at home, when working I don't feel it so badly. No matter how exhausted I feel in the day, I always feel more awake after 6pm. I go to sleep before 1am most nights but never before 11.30pm even if I am aware that staying up will result in me not getting enough sleep. I always tell myself 'It's fine, I'll deal with it in the morning'.

- Short fuse. I snap very easily. I get annoyed very easily. My stress levels are always at maximum. My boyfriend will say something or correct me over something (in a nice way) and I snap, cause a massive argument and leave the room. I freak out over small things, such as there's been a problem lately with hot water and it's been difficult to have a bath (just showers), this causes me to stress out and get very annoyed at everything.

- OCD. The need to clean, I struggle to deal with mess, I clean the flat on a daily basis. If things look untidy then it makes me anxious. I argue with my boyfriend as he works from home and I shout at him if I get back and he's not done his washing up or if he's left the flat in a mess, yet, if he cleans up and does the washing up then I feel like he's taken my 'job' away from me and I feel bad that he has had to do it.

- Not wanting to leave the house. I feel safe here and feel like it's a big effort to go outside. This means never seeing my friends unless they come here, as a result I have many friends who I have not seen in months. Going to see them on a weekend feels like a chore and I feel I will not get time to relax.

- Inability to relax, but a fear of not being able to relax. As mentioned earlier, I find it difficult to sit and watch an entire film without getting bored, yet, if I don't get time to sit and put a film on it makes me stressed. For example: Invited to a meal last night, but realised it would mean I wouldn't be back home until 11pm, this meant I didn't attend the meal as it means I would have to come back home, and go straight to bed. The thought of doing this and not being able to sit in the living room like every other night made it impossible for me to attend the meal.

Similar things happen if a friend drops by unexpectedly, or stays over night. It's not stupidly severe, I can mange it, sometimes I can block out the niggling worry but it's normally floating around in my mind somewhere.

- Hating routine and doing the same thing every day (such as working standard 9-5 day after day) but needing to have a similar routine that I set. For example, I have to be up before 9am every day otherwise it stresses me out. I have to be asleep by 1.30am in the morning otherwise again, I get stressed.

Apologise if this gets complicated: I fear tiredness, even though I always feel it, it rules my life to some extent. I limit myself because of it. General scenario: I get invited out to a club with friends on a Friday night, I decline the offer as in my mind, I won't get home till late, this means I will wake up late on Saturday morning, which in turn means that my sleeping pattern will go out of routine and I won't be able to sleep until late on Saturday night which means, again I'll wake up late on Sunday morning, go to sleep late on Sunday night and feel awful all day at work on Monday and it'll take me ages to get back into a routine.

I've spoke to some people about this and they have said that no matter what they do on the weekend they just get an early night on the Sunday ready for the Monday back at work. This doesn't seem do-able to me. For me, one night out results in a week of severe sleep deprivation. Totally illogical.

- A need to be wanted. I take on boring, mundane tasks for people and spend money on them even if I can't afford it. I feel people will want me in their life more if I do things for them that they don't want to do or if I pay for them or buy them things.

- A need to spend money. Impulse buying. I'll go to the shop for one thing and come back with bags full. I don't have much money but will get impulsive feelings to just go and spend. I feel happy if I purchase things and get to spend money.

I frequently am very stressed about my finances and worry about money but every so often that all goes out the window and I have to spend, the niggling feeling won't go away until I've purchased something.

- Occasional hyper spurts. I'll laugh, be loud and very confident. These can last for half an hour to a day. Never more than a day, at a push it'll slowly decrease over a few days. My mood is never elevated for any longer than one day.

- Constant fault and complaining. Literally, constant. There is always a problem, whether it's work, something breaking or me not feeling well. I voice it as often as I can and am perceived as a very negative person.

- Inability to stick to things in general. Such as telling a friend that I'll call her later then not bothering and ignoring her calls when she tries to contact me.

- Talking to myself in the third person. Or talking to myself about myself. Or talking to myself like I'm someone else, for example, telling myself to do something, or congratulating myself in the way that someone else would if they were talking to me: 'Well done, that was a good effort today wasn't it?' or 'Now you need to turn left up the road, yes, lets pop in this shop and see what they have'. Always in my head though, never out loud.

I apologise, this has not been short. If you have read to this point that I seriously want to say thank you. It's getting to a point where I'm struggling to deal with the above.

A brief history, if it all helps.

Currently on no medication but I do have a pack of Citalopram sat in the cupboard.

I have been 'diagnosed' with depression and anxiety and friends/partner have agreed that I show matching symptoms. The 'diagnosis' came from a few doctors who spent all of 2 minutes with me.

A family history of mental health issues - A suicidal father who died from years of alcohol abuse when I was 14. Before that he had attempted an over dose, hanging himself and driving into a wall.

Sister who has drug addictions and a bi-polar diagnosis as well being previously sectioned twice, one of those for severe anorexia.

Other family members who have dealt with addictions and depression issues.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated. If you take the time to read this and offer your thoughts I will be so appreciative.

I will be looking in to visiting my doctor again, maybe bringing a copy of this along. I just wanted to see what you guys thought, people who have potentially been through similar things, as opposed to a doctor who might just throw more pills at me.

I guess, I'm curious as to whether this fits the text book description of depression and/or anxiety or could this be a more complex issue?

Many thanks.

[artemis84]

Hi vikki, I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post (to the end!) and say welcome to the forums. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your mind and I can definitely empathise with that! Obviously I can't speak for everyone and I'm not a doctor but in my experience, anxiety and depression are often the labels given out at first and seem almost like a 'catch all' answer to patients who go in with a mental health issue. I think a lot of your symptoms do match this but I would say, as you suggested yourself, maybe go back to the GP with a copy of the above and get them to give a considered opinion, not one done in 2 mins.

Of course it may not help to have labels at all but at least if you explain everything then they know the whole story. Have you tried taking the citalopram? It won't work quickly but it may help with some of your symptoms and then at least you could see what is still a problem? Anyway, hope you like it here!

[PDBPD]

Vicki...having read I feel you are expressing intense anxiety. I couldn't say if you are suffering with another illness...it is extremely clear you are suffering distress. I hope you do find help..through a doctor...maybe a therapist??

Steve

[bluemoon5]

sounds like you are very distressed and none of us deserve to feel that way. I would find someone you are comfortable talking too. If you are in Britain your GP will have access to some short term counselling or if not maybe find a private therapist or look for local voluntary mental health support like MIND. take care and of course come back here and talk x

[Threemoons]

Hi, welcome to the forums. I can't say if you're suffering from more than anxiety and depression but you do sound like overwhelmed with things so I feel you should seek professional support. I agree that anxiety and depression are a general basis almost every mental illnesses share so you can be diagnosed with that and later find out more. You'll need to explain things to your doctor like you did on this post and also mention your family health history. If the diagnosis takes like 2minutes though you would consider seeing someone else as I don't think it's long enough to know well the patient and his/her health. Good luck researching the truth and come back here to talk when needed.

[maddy harper]

I experience some of these feelings you talk about. Do you have bpd? I got my diagnosis three years ago and sometimes struggle with my feelings and head. There are lots of supportive people on here so you have come to the right place. I would be lost with out it to be honest. Its been a life saver many times this place has. Glad i still here to help and listen to people. I am glad i didnt top my self anall

[Data]

A suicidal father who died from years of alcohol abuse when I was 14. Before that he had attempted an over dose, hanging himself and driving into a wall.

Sister who has drug addictions and a bi-polar diagnosis as well being previously sectioned twice, one of those for severe anorexia.

Other family members who have dealt with addictions and depression issues.

My advice is to not worry too much about diagnostic labels for now. Have you had any talking therapy? It sounds like you had a lot of issues in your childhood and exploring these might lead you to an understanding of what is going on in your head now.

Welcome to the forum.

[TiniToni]

I don't know if this will help but I have almost identical thoughts to you and about 18 months ago got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder x

[BigHeight]

I have also read your full post.

It sounds like your suffering with alot of anxiety, and your very set in your ways of routine such as times etc. Seems like there could be more to it though like the others above have said, it's worth getting a second opinion and not just a quick diagnosis.

Maybe show a therapist/doctor parts of this post, to help you narrow down things.

Your not alone anyway, some of the above I can relate to, alot of them actually in one way or another.

Welcome to the forum.. I hope you find support and help here. x

[basimelhabashy]

Hello Vikki,

Welcome to the forum. Anxiety disorder is really bad for health that can cause mental problems. Start treatment to prevent it. Always think positive.