Bpd Has Raised It's Head Again And My Short Marriage Is Over

[strugglingagain]

Hi Everyone

I'm in a really bad space both internally and outwardly.

To cut a long story short I married the love of my life in May of this year and she has left and filed for divorce. I made a terrible mistake by smoking cannabis again (it destroyed my life in my 20's) which lead to my BPD worsening massively. I've controlled it well for many years through exercise, work, meditation but now my stress levels are huge which further worsens my BPD. I'm filled with guilt and shame from my angry outbursts and possessiveness which has provoked a downward spiral the likes of which I haven't experienced before. I keep reaching new lows and I am finding the self hatred and suicidal thoughts overwhelming. I'm going to lose my house, my work is suffering (self employed) and I haven't seen my girls for months.

Not sure what I'm expecting but would be good to link up with some fellow BPD suffers to feel less isolated.

Thanks

[maddy harper]

Hi and welcome to the forums. So sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunatly canabis can make mental health issues worse if you have a mental pre disposition for mental health issues. So sorry its recked your life and your relationship. you have come to the right place for support. This place has been a life saver for me many times for me i can tell you.

[strugglingagain]

Thanks Maddy.

It's good to take ownership in that I smoked the cannabis and have pledged to never repeat that. I'm full of regret because my life is now going to be incredibly complicated. That leads to stress and that leads to worsening of my symptoms. I then find it harder to make good judgements. The abandonment stuff is hard to deal with and lack of contact with my children is killing me. Keep returning to suicide as a good solution. I know, logically it isn't, but the pain overwhelms me especially when I'm alone which is most of the time. I turn the lights off at night and the demonic thoughts begin. I wake up exhausted and broken and the challenge of the day ahead looks impossible. As each week goes on I seem to be worsening and I'm in despair most of the day only to be replaced by anxiety and self hatred.

[maddy harper]

Hugs. So sorry you feel this way. Think of your children when the urdge to dy gets really strong. keep posting here if it helps. I would be lost with out this place.

[strugglingagain]

Thanks Maddy. I think of my children but have been told (unfairly) that I have been harmful to them. They have a large circle of friends and are doing really well at school - so there is no evidence but their mums think otherwise. In my deepest moments I buy into their stories and think everyone would be better off without me.

[Threemoons]

Hi, sorry to hear that things got so complicated. I understand the guilt of having broken the promise to not touch cannabis again though for me it's another addiction. Things get upside down when we go for our demons again yet still we can't seem to be able to resist the temptation. Don't overblame yourself, you're just a human and humans make mistakes. Also, whatever your ex is saying, children always need their dad. I hope that good solutions come to you soon, the wheel of fortune will turn again. Come on here talking when the dark thoughts overwhelm you.