Up And Down

[Data]

I had a good day today, went out to Shrewsbury and took a walk for a few miles along the River Severn with my son. Took some nice wintery photos. My wife and daughter went ladies clothes shopping and we all met up afterwards. I was optimistic because I think I will enjoy planning walks with my walking club - we are doing one in Shrewsbury. I also enjoy taking photos. I think the gentle physical exercise cheered me up, as well as the time with just me and my son. I came home really really happy .

When I got home, things were still positive although I was a bit annoyed with my wife because she left a candle on unattended in the home all afternoon whilst we were out. I was more worried than angry. In a strange way I was pleased because if she has done something wrong then it gives me the right to do something wrong also. I know thats not the right way to think though.

Then I went on my computer to go through my photos and there is a Facebook friend who takes photos also and I commented on hers. I befriended her many years ago online when we were both Open University students. However recently I've been finding some of her responses to me a little cold and unfriendly. About a week ago she said something which I thought was out of line. i thought she was saying that I should either change my job or shut up if I wanted to say there but was unhappy. She says that she didn't mean that and maybe I got the wrong idea - misinterpreted what she said.

We put that difference to one side but the other day she posted a photo that I thought was terrible. I shared it on a group called "Boring Photos". Then I told her where I shared it. She was not happy with me. And I'm not surprised - what the hell was I thinking! I was just trying to have a joke but I should have known she would be offended. I removed my share of her photo and apologised.

Then today she posted some photos and our conversation went like this:

Her - I know we don't always agree on everything. But its worth keeping you as a friend just to see your photos .

Her - Don't quite know what to say to that.

Data - I know, I have a knack of saying the wrong thing sometimes don't I . I'm sure you are a great person, and a lot of your photos are really nice.

Her - To be honest I don't care either way.

Data - ok fair enough

Her - Well for goodness sake ,you had a go at me a week back for absolutely nothing at all ,then you took one of my photos to share on another sight so you could poke fun at it,now today you're making it sound as if I should be grateful for having you as a friend because you like 'some' of my photos.

Data - I thought I had cause to have a go at you, I didn't appreciate what you said - although perhaps I took it the wrong way. I was wrong to share your photo on that group and I apologised. I didn't mean to sound as if you should be grateful for having me a friend, that wasn't my intention at all - I was trying to compliment you on your photos.

Her - Yes you did take it the wrong way. I haven't anything further to say on the subject.

I defriended her . It seems that we have communication difficulties - she says one thing and I misunderstand it, and the other way around also. These difficulties are causing resentment between us. And that killed the friendship.

So I go from being really happy, then an hour later I feel terrible .

The best way I find to cope with being really really sad is to put my headphones on and hide on my laptop. But then sometimes my family feel neglected, so my wife can get upset with me if I am not careful.

I want to go out and buy a bottle of whisky but I know thats pathetic .

[complex-lemon]

That's why I don't do facebook data.

Online communications can be good but friendships and in particular with people don't know from adam ie only on a computer screen, people's senses of humour are not immediately apparent.

Things I would just joke about flippantly with friends if I transferred that over to online friendship, it just wouldn't work and if printed out conversation context online - the other person may get offended - however the same conversation face to face, we would know the tone, the emotion and the context within which the words were being said and the character of the person too.

All these are simply guesswork in written communications as far as I can see.

I can see the point of websites such as these most definitely, but probably why I still haven't done any internet dating ie don't think I would come across online exactly how I am in reality.

Anyway just saying maybe view this one with bearing all that in mind I feel.

[Data]

Yeah good point complex-lemon, online its really easy to misunderstand each other. Maybe if we were communicating in person, these misunderstandings would not have happened.

I tend to do Facebook, and forums. I need people around me. And I find in-person "real life" relationships really hard also. So the internet is my way of fulfilling my need for people around me.

Before the internet, I just used to drink all day. I don't want to go back to that.

There is no way that can just sit there and get on with life and cope without communicating with people, or with just having my wife and kids around. I need people outside of the household.

[maddy harper]

Hi data. The internet is my only life line when i am at home on my own which is much of the time as i dont have that many friends where i live. i hide my lonelyness by smoking canabis. But i have to brake this cycle as its not good for my moods or voices. I have been staying with a friend over christmas so i havent been able to get hold of any and i have noticed a huge change. I was gonna bring some down with me but my friend doesnt like me taking it as he knows how much it effects me. plus i thought it would be disrespectful to him, so i never braught any. i havent missed it iether, i thought i would but i dont. I have been smoking canabis since the age of 17 i am 30 now. You would think i was old enough to know better...

[maddy harper]

I have two guinea pigs called Chock and Spike. my guide dog retired n july and i had a huge relapps as a result.

[Threemoons]

I'm sorry for your friendship Data, it's so easy to misunderstand people online! Facebook seems to bring a lot of arguments also so I use it with moderation. I understand the need to have online friends around though, it breaks the loneliness. I think that even if you have down times from arguments online it's still better than your drinking problem, it seems less destructive to me although it's unpleasant. I see you're really upset from losing this friend so I hope that maybe you two can reconcile later?

[complex-lemon]

I am not against online friendships though either Data and if cannot get out at all, can understand the need most definitely.

I quite like it, like on days like today, it is freezing cold, and I live alone and it is company of a sort most definitely.

If this person is having a bit of a sulk over a miscommunication data, that is not your fault though either.

Just how they have misinterpreted it. Hope if it is meant to be this contact will continue back in the way you wish it to be.

But more importantly just hope you are ok.

Lemon

[Data]

I can't believe I made such a fuss over that argument last night. I went out and got some wine and port and got completely pissed. Silly me!

I had counselling today and she said that I need to find alternative coping strategies, apart from drinking. She said that I also might need to ask people for clarification if I am not sure what they are saying, rather than jumping to conclusions. She said that I might need to use different strategies depending on the severity - i.e. how triggered I am.

We discussed going for a brisk walk. I think I'm going to make a blog post (because I can always keep editing that) and add my coping strategies to that.

[complex-lemon]

Understand Data.

I gave up drink three years ago. Best thing I ever did.

Use meditation, breathing and just checking in with myself.

DId the reactive emails and texts too, ie should have been counting to ten myself, but was just where I was at, at that particular time in my life.

Try not to beat yourself up though over something you have done. We are all human at the end of the day and we all do daft things all too regularly.

It is just most people forget about it immediately after doing such things. Whereas people like us give ourselves a constant going over at even the slightest things we do wrong.

Therapy is tough too - with you on that one - but again me personally I absolutely do not regret going into therapy whatsoever. Has helped me a great deal over last few years too.

Sure you will get there Data, but yes try to be kinder to yourself too.

[maddy harper]

sounds like a good idea data. I have different coping stratogies depending on whats needed at the time. Clasic f m is a good all rounder though. Coming on here and posting is a good distraction to. So are my friends in r l and my pigs.

[complex-lemon]

Pigs. That is a new one on me Maddy.

Bit of "The Good Life" lifestyle. Like the sound of that.

Yes distractions can be good whatever they are. Sport is probably my main one.

Classical music does help great deal in slowing and calming me down too and yes real life friends ie takes the focus off yourself too.

[maddy harper]

i mean guinea pigs lemon not actual pigs pigs. Thats what i call them for short.

[complex-lemon]

Thought it was a bit different Maddy.

Sure they are fun just the same.

Sorry Data went off on a tangent.

Hope you are ok this morning.

[maddy harper]

I hope your being kind to your self to as thats important...