stormystar Posted December 31, 2014 Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 Hi all. I actually helped Josh on the very first version of this site many years ago. The years have gone by and now I find myself here looking for advice. I've been with my partner for just under 18 months and I suspect he has BPD. He has a major fear of abandonment, his behaviour is quite erratic, one minute he's pushing me away and can be extremely cruel, the next he's clinging on so tightly and telling me how much he loves me. He doesn't really see anything wrong in how he behaves and everything is always my fault for "hurting him" in the first place. There are many other things that just "fit" with what I know about BPD. Ultimately though, I do love him and want our relationship to work. I can't talk to my friends anymore as they all think I should leave him, as they just see him as abusive. So I'm here looking for advice on how best to support him but equally I feel I really need support now. Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted December 31, 2014 Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 Hi and welcome back to the forum I think it's great that you're looking for ideas and support on how to support your partner. Can I ask whether you're able to talk to your partner about how things are for you, or about your thoughts about his behaviour? Is he receiving any help/support such as counselling or anything? I guess if he doesn't think there is anything wrong in how he behaves it could be difficult for him to accept help.. hence me wondering if you're able to talk to him about how you feel? I would be cautious in diagnosing him with anything as that could push him further away.. in fact it's really difficult to know what could help or not really. I guess if it were me I would might respond better if I knew the impact on someone else.. talking in a calm, adult-adult way and maybe going for help together? Like could you try couples counselling or something? Or if he does not want to try couples counselling maybe you could get counselling for yourself? There are a few books out there too which may help.. one about 'stop walking on eggshells', although I haven't read that so am not sure. That, I think, is about BPD specifically though. Sorry I've not been much help but hope someone else can suggest a few things. Take good care Jenny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormystar Posted December 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 Thanks for your reply Jenny. Funnily enough I am mid way through reading "stop walking on eggshells" and it was the fact that so much rang true with my situation that I ended up coming here. Talking of books, I haven't read it but "I hate you, don't leave me" is certainly a phrase that sums my partner up. I have tried to tell him how he makes me feel sometimes in a calm, non judgemental (well I feel it is) way but he has several "tactics" in response, either I'm being too demanding or overly sensitive/dramatic, or I should understand that he doesn't really mean it or he will say " just leave me then" (even though the other half of the time he almost begs me not to leave him). Basically, I don't think he's ready for any kind of counselling but I do think I should probably seek some myself, because I feel completely lost at the moment and the weaker I get, the less I can deal with the situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 1, 2015 Report Share Posted January 1, 2015 hi and welcome stormy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted January 1, 2015 Report Share Posted January 1, 2015 Hi Stormystar, welcome back to the site It sounds really difficult for you but it is heartening to read that you really want to try to make the relationship work. If you think it would help you to talk to a counsellor, I think that's a good idea. I think a lot of places have an online directory of counsellors so you can look and see who's near you and see what their main areas of expertise are. There are relationship counsellors but I think they'd want to see both of you together. You could also try the community mental health team, they might be able to give you advice as well as support as you'd expect them to know about bpd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormystar Posted January 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Thanks for your responses. I have thought about whether to discuss with him going to some form of relationship counselling, but in all honesty I think I need to get back to being "me" first. I do "walk on eggshells" a lot of the time and I know I've changed my behaviour to try and keep things calm. He expresses his anger all the time but I've been forced to swallow mine as I know me getting angry too makes everything worse, but that's not healthy. I've only said the negatives so far, but a lot of the time he's loving and caring and he makes me really happy. That's why for me, leaving him is the ultimate last resort. In the book I'm reading they gave a very specific example of a mother forgetting to get something for her daughter and the daughter saying something like "you always do this, you don't care about me, you wish I was dead". Literally the previous day my partner had asked me to get him something from the kitchen, and I got distracted by a phone call and forgot and honestly, word for word he said exactly what was in that example, and it was by no means the first time he's said those words. The book then does give an example of how the mother could respond to make the daughter feel listened to, so I'm going to try that next time. I've said in a different post that of course I can't say for sure that he has BPD. But when the examples I'm reading are word for word what he's saying, then I think it's at least worth trying the suggested responses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 It maybe worth getting him assessed for bpd if he has the traights of the disorder. What makes you think he has bpd just out of curiocity apart from what u have explained all ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormystar Posted January 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 A lot of it is little things like the one above. There are some things I don't feel able to share, only because it's part of his personal history and it would feel a little like a "betrayal" to talk about it here. While I do say things about our relationship, that's "my story" so to speak but I don't think it would be right for me to share his painful experiences. If I look at purely the diagnostic criteria, he does fulfil most of them to a greater or lesser degree. In my work, what we look at mainly is..are the thoughts/feelings and behaviours impacting on your life in a negative way, In his case, clearly they are. For a long time it seemed that his interactions with everyone else were fine, but there have been complaints about him at work too. When he's recounts the circumstances to me, I can see where the issue is. For instance, he often tells me when we argue to "stop screaming at him", Usually I'm not screaming at all! The other day a customer at his work was making a complaint to him and he told her to stop screaming at him. She then reported him to his manager and was adamant that she had not screamed at him and, to be honest, I believe her. I didn't say that to him of course! But clearly now it isn't just with me that these situations occur. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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