Vics78 Posted December 31, 2014 Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 Hi, I have been with my fiance 4 years and he's suggested I look for support as a carer - I've never done this as I'm a strong person. I try to understand what my partner is going through but I can't. I'm there fore him 100% but he doesn't feel my love and even though I tell him I will never walk away and I will always love him I know this means nothing to him as he doesnt feel this emotion. He is desperate to work and have something in his life for him, he's got a job but tonight being New Years Eve it all became too much for him and he has, as he puts it, run. He has run to his parents as he is desperate for them to love him, only to be turned away and sent to his uncles as his mum and dad are busy looking after his niece and nephews. They have time for his brother, his wife and their grandchildren from his brother but treat my partner and his children very very differently. HIs family live 45 miles away from our house, I can't call it our home as he doesn't feel like it is home. He suffers with paranoid thoughts and as we live next door to my parents this doesn't help. We cant move at the moment but I am trying to get our house in a state where we can rent it out and then we can move. He's desperate for his parents to show him love and affection, he will always run to them but they are just not there for him. I'm here for him but that's just not good enough in his eyes and as much as I love him I don't know what else I can do. I try to give him space, I have supported him financially for 4 years, of my own choice. I have given him a roof over his head, clothed, him and his children and given him an amazing life, but all he says is that he is a burden on me - I dont see it this way at all and just want to help him feel better. He is under the care of the Community Mental Health Team. One minute he wants to be on his own and the next minute he wants to be with people - hence running and then not feeling he can be on his own. He feels he has a relationship with no-one, not even his 3 children. He wants to feel emotions but thinks his medication is stopping his emotions. I'm so confused and at al loose end as to what to do for the best. Suffers and Carers of BPD or PTSD is there anything else I can do? Thanks in advance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted December 31, 2014 Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 Hi Vics, thank you a lot for what you're doing for your fiance. I'm a PTSD sufferer and unfortunately I think it's this disorder that causes him to not feel emotions, not the medication. Feeling numbed out and detached is a common symptom of PTSD, we can know and be convinced that someone loves us but we often don't feel it so it triggers a lot of insecurities. I've ruined precious relationships running into people, asking them endlessly to show me their love. I must say that although you feel that your love for him isn't enough, it does make a very big difference. Without you he would be even more lost so please acknowledge your own importance and don't underestimate it. I'm a bit confused regarding his job. Did you mean he has run from it? I've not been able to hold down a job myself and find my experience of a work place to be really difficult. You can't do much more than showing him love and supporting him. How does his conditions affect your own life? You may be a very strong person but you well deserve some understanding yourself too, hence coming there might be a good idea. And since it's about time, I wish you two the best possible new year. May 2015 put you closer to each other and may you have some peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vics78 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 Thank you for your message, it means alot to get a reply as I didn't think I'd get a reply! He has not gone to work today, he was due in a care home but because there was a chance he'd have to go to a pub tonight with the service users he didn't even go to work. My parents dont understand how he cant work and it is so hard, he is desperate to work but can't be around people. He has very low self esteem and confidence. His condition doesn't really affect my life, I do think about him all the time and worry that if I suggest something he will find it difficult and go into himself. We have no sexual relationship as he doesn't want this and I respect him. Thanks for your wishes of a best possible new year and some peace but at the minute this is very difficult to feel, especially knowing he will not be with me tonight. I didn't want to start out New Year apart from each other....I wanted to be able to give him a cuddle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted December 31, 2014 Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 Well, I know it's not the same but can you send him a virtual cuddle via text and say him you're impatient to give him a real one next time you see each other? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vics78 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 Thanks, but I think that will just fuel his insecurities Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted December 31, 2014 Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 Okay then, you know him better than me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 1, 2015 Report Share Posted January 1, 2015 Bpd is a difficult disorder to live with both for the person who has it and their loved ones. I also find it very distructive. I am on lots of different meds to control it but i have forgotten how to feel things. The medication puts me inside a glass bubble that i cant get out of which i cant stand as everything and everyone feels so far away from me. This is a feeling i havent gotten use to and i have had it for such a long time. I cant remember when it started to be honest but i want it to stop as i would like to feel things again instead of feeling dead in the head all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormystar Posted January 7, 2015 Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 Hi Vics I don't want to be unhelpful but I genuinely don't understand what you're getting from this relationship. You say it doesnt affect your life but you have no sexual relationship, you support him (and his children) financially, and seem to get no emotional support either. I'm really sorry if I'm speaking out of turn but I'm worried that you've sacrificed yourself completely. Even when you say about New Year, its in terms of you wanting to give him a cuddle, nothing about what you might need. In my opinion (and it is just an opinion) what you need is some time away from this situation. I'm not suggesting you leave him or anything like that, but a weekend away with friends, or even just a night out. I've said in other posts that I have concerns re my partner as he has difficulties, but he works, we make love, and he can be very supportive (depending on his mood!), so there are a lot of positives. I'm just not sure what the positives are for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 7, 2015 Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 Stormystar, I understand your worries and I also think that Vics should get support and love from her partner as well. I mean, it's giving-receiving. But please consider that for some people it's impossible at times to work or have sex. It doesn't mean it will be this way all his life, just that at the moment he can't do these things. But I agree that some time away with friends in the year is very beneficial, even for couples without any health problem. Thank you for your care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormystar Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 Hi three moons, I do agree with what you've said but, and maybe I'm reading it wrong, it sounds like it's been this way for the entire 4years they've been together. So it's like she has only ever been his carer, never his partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 huge hugs stormy. My heart goes out to you reading your posts. Take care of your self and your other half too. Thinking of you. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 I understand what you're saying now, Stormystar. Thanks for explaining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krazyblue Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 I commend you for providing your partner so much love and support. I know what it is like to not be able to feel the comfort my partner is offering. Unfortunately, my emotional pain, dissociation, and childhood trauma made it almost impossible at times. Therapy (6 yrs) and medication has helped tremendously to help me keep trying to get better and I have. I still have a long way to go. I still get scared of being to close to people despite how much I know they care about me. The scar my parents left me with runs deep. Hang in there. Trust is really hard. I am so grateful for the patience and love my wife has offered me. I do feel that you should really consider whether or not you are getting the care you need. My wife is also in therapy which has also helped her take care of herself. It is very hard to watch a loved one suffer constant torment. I highly recommend reading a couple of books for family members of people with BPD. One is Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. The other is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Taking care of yourself will help you be able to sustain the care you are providing him without entirely sacrificing your own needs. My heart goes out to you and your fiance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.