Eagleheart Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Fucking BPD. It's fucking ruined my life. Before my dx i was just a severe depressive with psychosis & i could handle that. Then i was seen by consultant psych & life as i knew it was OVER. I tried to be ok about it. Take it in my stride. But i failed. I am NOT ok about having BPD. I fucking hate it. And the hatred grows stronger every fucking day. I cannot cope with the dx. I know i do have BPD. I just can't accept it. What is the fucking point of being given this hellish label. It has ruined my fucking life. I've given up on me. FUCK IT ALL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 hi eagle. I know having bpd is difficult but accepting it means u can move on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 I too am struggling with my bpd at the moment. Especially my impulsiveness. Gotta be careful with that or it can lead to risky behaviour and i know it. think i am relapsing to be honest. New the stability wouldnt last... Ah well. fuckin head! I cant stand me at the moment iether. There is another problem right there. Wish i could be happy with my self but i cant for some fuckin reason unknown to me right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Eagleheart, could I ask you what is the difference, in your experience, between one and the other dx? You say that bpd dx has tuined your life. Could i ask you how? I'm sorry that you feel this way. Hugs and comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 It is sad a label given to help treatment carries stigma...sad that the label becomes part of the illness Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mert Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Sorry you feel this way.. I can relate I hate the bpd diagnosis... It makes me feel shit when I get later from psych saying o have a ' chronic and ongoing risk to myself' fuck it. Please take care I relate x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Its a horible label to be slapped with. I cant stand it. Bpd makes me feel like a monster inside and out. Man i hate my self and always will i think. Twisted or what?!?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Being dx with BPD is like shining an intense spotlight on the very worst faults i have.It writes you off as a mentally deficient fuck up. It tells me that my mind/thoughts cannot be trusted.Has it ever flagged up some nice,endearing parts of my character? NO. On the other hand,i was reading something about the traits of Gemini & it said we just flutter from one thing to another,never actually knowing what/who we really are.That is SO me. So how much of me is down to bpd?How much is down to astrology? BPD is a hideous label.Non-sufferers find it scary.They draw the wrong conclusion,entirely.Borderline Personality Disorder brings to mind the thought that this person is on the edge of being a dangerous,unpredictable psychopath. People who used to like me are now wary of me.They think i am volatile,likely to explode in a scary way. Yeah,this fucking label has ruined my life. It has.I have lost friends.I have taken myself out of society,to protect others from me. All it has done is given me a quantifiable label for lazy psych's to stick on me,to make their lives easier. Fucking brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon5 Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 eagleheat I could have written this myself. My dxs has been like a kiss of death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 I'm so sorry. Psychiatrists have never wanted to diagnose me with bpd, I think because of the stigma associated with it. They diagnose me with depression but my T agrees that I suffer from bpd. I too have had problems with some friends since I told them that I was bpd. I don't usually tell them but at times I talk about some of the symptoms instead so not to give them the freedom to put any behaviour down to bpd and of course, freeing themselves from any responsibility. This has happened to me. I wondered if stigma was also in the MH system. I want to fight against stigma but it's true. PDs are tough to be accepted. Everytime I read about it on the internet I get so disheartened. That's why I only talk about some symptoms. One day I would like to be well and tell everyone: Look! It is possible! BPDs are not impossibilities. Please do not give up. I do believe in progress. Slow progress, but progress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 The bpd label has also enabled my hubby to get out of conversations i may want to have about "feelings" or about how i am feeling neglected.He just says "oh that's just your bpd playing up" or that i am completely wrong in how i feel but that's down to my pesky bpd.Yes,it's been a very useful label for my husband-a kind of get out of jail free card.He doesn't have to get emotionally involved with me anymore.Yeah,it's a GREAT label......NOT. Sorry.It's all just too much for me atm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Eagleheart I completely understand what you are saying. I fear for that too though I am not in a relationship. I know that someone has to be very 'together' and special to deal with our issues and to take responsibility for their own feelings and f***k ups rather than throwing it all to the 'bpd'. I'm sorry eagleheart. You are not bpd. You have some symptoms of bpd but bpd doesn't define you. No one around may know this but it is important that you do. Big hug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 5, 2015 Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 Eagle, I'm so sorry you have such a hard time with the label. Karaindrou is right, BPD is not what you ARE. And I think that other people don't have to know what diagnosis you have. Please be very careful in whom you tell as we know that stigma runs free unfortunately. Huge hugs to you. Losing friends to our conditions feels like a double punishment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted January 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 If a friend of mine told me they had been dx with aggressive cancer,i certainly would NOT start avoiding them incase i "caught it" off them. That's a good analogy.People are small-minded,ignorant and ultimately,cruel. I am better off on my own.It's less hurtful. This place is a lifeline.It gives me non-judgemental acceptance.I can be myself.Thats all i need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 5, 2015 Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 Aw, Eagle. I agree, it's not fair! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 5, 2015 Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 Eagleheart, I've got no doubts that each one of us have difficult behaviours and so on. But each one of us also have amazing characteristics and we need to hold on to them. I am convinced that the most fragile and vulnerable carry such a weight for society. All the unwanted personal rubbish is thrown at the ones in prison, in psychiatric hospitals, at drug addicts, at the homeless........ It's really hard to have these kind of roles. Courage and hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted January 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2015 Thanks karaindrou,i really needed to hear your words. I have been acting like a huffy kid,wallowing in self pity & what you said helped me to see things from a different perspective. Just that shift of focus has jolted me out of a rut.xxx Threemoons,you are a balm for my soul. As always,your empathy has soothed my pain. Thankyou dear friend.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 6, 2015 Report Share Posted January 6, 2015 Hi eagle, sorry to hear your still struggling at the moment. Huge hugs from a fellow scott who has lost her accent cause of all the trauma i suffered up there. It comes out when i am tired or excited about something but apart from that its english. Wtf? Bloody accents. Where abouts n scotland are u from? I am from edinburgh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted January 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2015 Hi Maddy. How are you doing? I had a good sleep and feel a bit more stable today. Lack of sleep really affects my mood. I live up a wee glen in Angus. I went to school in Kirriemuir,famous for being the birthplace of Bon Scott from ACDC and also J.M Barrie who wrote Peter Pan. I can't get warm today. It's freezing. My fingers are icy cold and painful. I need to make a cup of tea to warm my hands on! X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 6, 2015 Report Share Posted January 6, 2015 Yeah, lack of sleep deregulates all the mind and body. Glad you had a good night rest. A cup of tea is nice for frozen fingers, so are small heat bags in the pockets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 6, 2015 Report Share Posted January 6, 2015 if i dont sleep right the voices get worse and tell me to hurt my self n some way... I dont like that when that happens as they get really loud and scary. or they call me nasty things. Or both. Iether way i dont like it one bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisvk Posted February 28, 2015 Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 I was diagnosed with BPD about five years ago. As typical for BPD, I have a great fear of abandonment and I am constantly seeking reassurance. My therapist tells me that I must find ways to reassure myself. That seems like such a common sense statement but I am embarrassed to tell her that I do not know how to reassure myself in healthy ways. I do very unhealthy things like call her voicemail to hear the sound of her voice, drive past her house, constantly look at her Facebook page. Would anyone on this forum be able to tell me what they do to reassure themselves in healthy ways? Thank you, in advance, for your help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted February 28, 2015 Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 i have grounding techniques that i use to help me through the rough bits but they dont always work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted February 28, 2015 Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 Chris...you need to have a word with yourself...you don't need to hear her voice, you can wait and see her. You need to tell yourself that. What happened to knock your confidence?? Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted February 28, 2015 Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 I can relate Chris I used to listen to voicemails my therapist or social worker sent me, I can't seem to reassure myself either its something I so badly want to do though as its hard constantly seeking reassurance when people can't always give it x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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