Charlie1986 Posted January 5, 2015 Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 Hi guys, I'm completely new to these forums. I suppose I'm just trying to understand myself a bit better and try and tackle everything that's dragging me down. I'm a 28 year old woman whose been dealing with mental health issues since I was 14 so for half as long as I've been alive. I've been in hospital, I've seen doctors, therapists, counsellors and literally taken every SSRI and a couple of SNRI's as well and anti anxiety and anti psychotics. I've had an eating disorder, depression and basically been a massive mess when growing up. I self harmed hurrendously and I'm not proud to say attempted to take my own life more than once. I've worked so hard over the years to try and get "better" and for a while there I was doing well. I don't take any medication (mainly cause it's never worked hence trying so many) and right now I'm not in therapy. I've researched and looked for ways to explain my behaviour and everything comes back to these 3 little letters BPD. I know none of you are doctors and can't diagnose (I have a psych assessment on the 19th jan) but I just need some opinions on wether I should mention that I believe this is my issue. Right now I'm in a relationship and it will have been 3 years in March. She has watched me go from outgoing and almost happy to a recluse who literally doesn't have a single friend left. I love her more than anything but then I think I hate her more than anything and I want her to leave. It's driving me insane. I push her away and pull her back in constantly and I hate myself for it because I can't control it. I always apologise when I know I've hurt her but sorry won't stop her leaving me. I'm convinced she's going to leave me because people always do. I no longer self harm because if I do she will leave me but I struggle every single day not to just do it. She doesn't know I make myself sick sometimes after I eat and I can always lie and say my stomach is sore when in reality I just need the control. I've also switched from EDNOS to now binge eating all the time. I've put on so much weight I hate myself. The suicide thoughts are always there but I can't act on them because I don't want to hurt her. I've become extremely paranoid and jealous but because I don't believe I'm worth anything I don't vocalise it because what's the point? I suppose I'm lucky that I can switch off to it. I'm so convinced she's gonna leave Its like I'm just waiting for the day it happens. She says she won't but I know she will and it kills me. I've started to see and hear things only shadows and noises and a lot of the time I know it's not real like I can process it after and tell myself it's in my head but sometimes it's hard to do that especially when I hear my name being shouted a lot. I've started to space out a lot like my whole body and brain stops and it's frightening. I question what's real and what's not. I think this is all just a dream and I'm not real that I'm really in a coma somewhere and this isn't life. It's awful because I'm not sure what's going on with me. The worst part about everything is my anger. I am literally a walking ball of rage 95% of the time. People speaking pisses me off people breathing pisses me off and I'm struggling to control it. I work in retail where I deal with people 10 hours+ a day 5 days a week as an assistant manager and I'm really struggling. It's affecting my job to the point I lost it the other day went ape on my boss in the office and told him what ***** he was and to stop speaking to me like a piece of **** all while crying because of anger. He screamed back and threatened me to which I smacked the desk as hard as I could and spent the next 15 minutes trying to calm down. I haven't hit anyone but I'm nasty when I speak and have a viscious tounge. I'm a very sarcastic person which doesn't help because when I lose it every part of me wants to destroy the person whose pissed me off and it's constant fight in me to not let that happen and I'm starting to lose control off it. I put myself in really risky situations sometimes because the anger takes control and I feel like I can fight anyone because I know if I allowed my mind to completely slide I'd really really hurt someone because I don't care when I'm angry. I literally feel like two people like a rational person who can see what's happening and then an evil bitter nasty twisted bitch who want to destroy everything and everyone including herself. I don't know who I Am anymore. It literally feels like the person who used to have friends who went out, who had hobbies who tried to fight every single day just died and something else replaced her. I get so frustrated with doctors because they don't listen. They just try to give me drugs which won't work and say it's depression. I've been depressed and I am depressed and this doesn't feel the same. This feels like something I can't fight because it's not something wrong with me it's actually me. I just want to understand myself and change the way I think and feel because when I'm calm and rational I know this is all wrong but when I lose control again i convince myself it's a lie and this is just what I am a horrible nasty bitch who deserves everything she gets. Any opinions and advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for ranting on but barring my girlfriend and nice doctor which she forced me to see no one else knows about this and I just need someone to understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tara91 Posted January 5, 2015 Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 Hi there I would just like to say I am untrained and have no experience other then myself. I was diagnosed with BDP a few months ago and I am very much similar to you unfortunately I never find myself at a normal pace and nor have I found anything to make me happy. I have been in a on off relationship for 7 years I have broken his heart countless amount of times and I am so paranoid he is talking to other girls and that hes meeting up with then secretly it makes me so mad at the moment I want to spy on his phone smash he car so he cant go meet people and keep him with me we have got in so many arguments about it I now don't even tell him when I am worried. My anger is incredible I set out to hurt and destroy people when they fall in my path, I am nasty, sarcastic, manipulative, mean and just dam right blunt. I find myself having conversations and not remembering anything that is said. I find myself really wanting to care about people but feeling like its impossible! I am never the same person I change to who I am with so that they like me but then I end up messing it up and loosing them I have 2 friends who I don't see a lot and my family and daughter. I feel as though this is the worst diagnosis as I have been left alone I am currently on 40mg Fleroxitine (not sure how its spelt) and I am no different the only change is I cant tell people as they could get my daughter taken off of me and they think im playing up to it. I feel like im loosing it! so I really feel for you/ Sending out my thoughts don't think I was much help sorry xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie1986 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 Hi Tara, I've been on fluoxetine (Prozac) and I get where you're coming from. I was on the maximum dose and I hated it and unfortunately I reacted quiet badly to it and went downhill. If you've been on it a while and it isn't working ask the doctor to change it until you find the one that works for you. I haven't found that drug yet because I don't believe SSRI's work for me personally. I don't set out to hurt my girlfriend but I know I do. I never question her about what she does because I'm frightened I'll push her away but i do sit and wonder if she's cheating on me or if she's going to meet someone and leave me because of how unstable i am and unpredictable. I do love her and I'm trying to get "better" for her and in a way make up for how awful I can get. I snap at her all the time but she does appreciate I don't mean to but she's human and I know it's going to get too much. I'm only lucky that she's quiet laid back because if she was as fiery as I am it would be a complete disaster. I've never really been bothered by stuff like this because I believe it's all I deserve. I was with my first proper girlfriend and she cheated on me 4 times right under my nose and I let her get away with it because I convinced myself it was because incase crazy and I'd caused her to do it. During that time was when I started seeing a therapist and working on myself and as I got better and felt stronger I realised it was her problem and not mine and I fell out of love and moved away from her to break the cycle of her pulling me back in. Now I deep down don't think my girlfriend now would cheat even though the voice in my head tries to tell me she will what I'm frightened of is she will meet someone else one day and leave me for something better. The anger is the thing that's become the catalyst. I've always been angry but now I feel like it's rage. I fear for people and what I could do to them if one day I don't control myself. Only a month ago I almost punched a bloke on the bus after I'd already told him In no uncertain terms what an absolute ***** he was and that he wasn't such a big hard man now and basically sounded like I'd gone mental which too be fair I had. I got into work and literally sat at cried because I was so ashamed at how I'd almost hit him. It set me on a downer all day and I felt worthless. I was more ashamed that my girlfriend saw it and looked frightened. I have no friends left because I'm too frightened to make new ones and the old ones i don't trust anymore because they've abadonded me and betrayed me and I cant see past it. I don't like change at all but Im also a runner. When things get too tough I just move and run away from it all but it always gets me. Can I ask why it's the worst diagnosis you've been given? Does it not help to know what you're dealing with? I don't want to be diagnosed but I don't want to not be either because I'm fighting nothing at the minute so I don't know what to do to try and cope with it. They cannot take your daughter away unless you are a danger to her or yourself. It sounds like you love your daughter very much and you've asked for help which shows how much you love her. I know it's easy for me to say because I don't live your life and feel your feelings but I think I understand the confusion of it and desperation of it. It's took me 3 years too realise I need help again because I feel like I failed at being "normal" and didn't want to admit it. You are here talking to people getting support and using your experience to help other people it shows that you are stronger than you feel so you need to keep hold of that and let it get you through. Easier said than done but it's possible. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tara91 Posted January 5, 2015 Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 I completely understand where you are coming from with regards to the rage. I once (in face recently) had a go at an old lady who was smoking in an area that I believed shouldn't be a smoking area (I am a smoker aswell! ) and she told me that she was so sorry but she had just lost her husband I told her that's not my F****** fault s*** happens move the f*** on. I was with my sister at the time and I burst into tears after as felt so ashamed of myself and felt so bad for the lady I felt like I wanted to kick her head in my blood boiled, I was trembling and I was so hot I felt pure rage and the only thing to stop me doing anything was the fact my daughter was asleep in her buggy and I litteraly had to pull myself away. Ive broken so many doors in anger so many valuable things not only mine in pure rage I once threw a big dyson hoover at my boyfriend! I am so out of control sometimes and no one seems to take me seriously because I keep reassuring people that I wont harm myself or anyone else because of my daughter but it doesn't stop me wanting to sometimes. But my highs are just as bad as my lows when I am what I would call "happy" its to extreme I sing and dance and run around I spend money talk to everyone I shake with excitement I will do anything to feel like it all the time tho but I just turn like a switch on a light. I was on sertraline 150mg before this and took myself off as felt like it was making me worse and I felt better for a bit then ended up going really loopy I use to be really into drugs so don't mind so much taking tablets I just want a magic 1 that can make me normal! It sounds to me like you love your girlfriend dearly and I can tell you really don't mean to upset her I understand that 100% I have not yet found a way of it not effecting my relationship in fact I think i am worse to him then anyone else. I am so frightened also of pushing him away but then i worry myself by thinking if i keep saying that is that the thing that's going to push him away. He unfortunately doesn't have time for it and thinks its all an excuse for me to just get away woth acting like a b**** and if im extremely anxious and paranoid that people are laughing at me he just says im being stupid its in my head and not to be like it. So that doesn't help I would only say its the worst because they say it goes away within 10-15 years and there isn't really any support other then putting me on a 6 month waiting list and trying depression tablets i am left with nothing but my own resources. I almost feel like they don't take this seriously. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie1986 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 It's the rage I strruggle with more than anything. I hate how I can go from 0 to psycho in a split second. It can be nothing that sets me off just like the old lady did with you. Working with people makes it so much harder because now I say things under my breath but I'm saying it loud enough so they hear so it gives me justification to go off at them if they answer me back. I do extremes and don't really have a middle ground much of the time. I'm either down or up but it's a knife edge it changes like the wind. I try and laugh about it to try and take the pain away from it but it's a way to pretend I'm not an desolate as I feel. I don't break things so much anymore because I know it doesn't just affect me because all my nice things are either mine and my girlfriends or are what she's bought for me and I don't want to make her hate me anymore than she does. I feel bad because she knows she's the only reason I'm not either in hosiptal or in jail or worse. I've put that pressure on her and that why she will leave eventually. It's hard though I used to smash stuff all the time I ripped my door of its hinges in uni and nearly broke my hand in the same night by punching a metal lamppost. A lot of my confusion is I feel utterly uncontrable but I manage to control myself for the most part but it's getting hard like I'm tired all the time because I have to mentally always be aware of myself and when I start losing control either dissociate or cry so I don't go to far and do something I cant take back. If I thought my girlfriend would stay I would be self harming every day because it's my go too to release anger. I admitted too her the other day I still own razor blades but I wasn't telling her where they are. It must be awful for you to want to not hurt your boyfriend but it sounds like he isn't terribly supportive snd s little dismissive of the issues you have. It must be hard for him but surely he must see telling you it's in your head is like waving the proverbial red flag to a bull. It will either enrage you or destroy you there is nothing that can come of him saying that that will help you. My girlfriend tries to be supportive but she deflects with humour and most of the time it helps because I end up laughing and my anger subsides to manageable levels but other times I want to smash her face in for not taking me seriously and that with her trying to help. I have never nor would I let myself hit her, I'd hurt me first that and she's bigger and stronger than me and I wouldn't stand a chance no matter how angry I am. My weapon in anger is I mentally destroy people. I go for what I know will hurt to hurt them back and then I feel terribly guilty aftewards and it just compounds the fact I'm evil. I have no close family because I can't stand to be around them anymore. I tell myself it's because we don't have anything in common but in reality they remind me of everyone I've lost because they don't ever shut up about anything. Can I just say that you are not stupid and I don't believe you use BPD to get away with anything. I know the guilt and pain loosing it causes inside to the point you become empty because there's nothing left for it too take away. I think he needs to get support from somewhere else to help him help you and himself instead of blaming you for something that you can't control in that second. You don't strike me as someone who wants to or enjoys being a victim you are just really struggling to see wood through the trees. Don't give up hope. 6 months is a long time but there are places like this and people willing to try and help you get through it when there isn't much else. Sometimes the can help more than anything. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Br0kenW1ngs Posted January 26, 2015 Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Hi, Just wondering how the psych assessment went on the 19th? Hope you got some answers..... Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.