addy2 Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 I have struggled travelling for years I can't leave my home town alone I can barely go out if the house alone and it's getting worse. I used to travel for dbt on a bus alone but since it had stopped I can't do that anymore the panic is too much. The thing is I got accepted to do a project with a psychologist from queens university in Belfast there were ten places in the entire country and I was lucky enough to get one. It started in November but I couldn't go it's only twice a month but I can't travel. The psychologist has been brilliant she calls me all the time and in December my partner took me and he waited in the building so I could stay for an hour, the journey there was terrible and that was with him I panicked. She called me yesterday and said she would love to see me on Friday we spoke for an hour about my project and how she can help. She gave me her mobile number and she said if I get the bus she will collect me at the bus station and take me to the university and if I need to leave at any time she will come with me and if it all gets scary on the bus I can call her and talk to her. I don't know what to do, I am terrified it's a two hour bus journey I don't know Belfast well it's a city I come from a small town, I'm scared i will panic on the bus and want of and I can't get of on a motorway. Anyone else have trouble like this, what helps? She has been so good to me and she is so supportive I really want to go when she is willing to help me. I plan to take music maybe something small to eat but I'm so scared I hate feeling like this makes me feel so useless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 i dont like goin anywhere unless its with someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 I am the same maddy I can't even travel locally alone so I have no idea how I'm going to do this . The psychologist has been emailing me today saying she will be there and she sent me a link on compassion and self care she's so determined to get me there x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Addy..I know you are scared..but nothing will happen. You can do this and your confidence needs the boost Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Wishing you well, Addy. I know how scary it can be. Sending you my courage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 The bus leaves here at 8.15 in the morning and I get there shortly before 10.15 she had said I can call her anytime and she will talk to me. Why is she so nice to me I don't get it. I am terrified of panicking and wanting of the bus it's a motorway do he won't be stopping I'm trying to tell myself that it's ok, I panic all the time I should be used to it. Then I'm scared I'll panic there and want to leave and look stupid as she has to leave with me it's so frustrating. Thankyou all for your support your all lovely I wish you were all on the bus with me xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 I would certainly boycott myself if I had gotten such an opportunity. You sound surprised when you say that you won one place out of 10 for the whole country. This is amazing but if you are like me.... anxiety provoking. You are worthy and you can do things by yourself addy. I know that though part of you can do things other part(s) feel differently and that is as real as the one that has actually brought up (and is bringing up) 5 children. Yes. Parts of you feel vulnerable and incapable. But that's not the whole of you. I wish you could go. I will certainly be on the bus with you. It's ok if you don't manage but if you step in, I will be sitting there. I will be telling you, "addy it's ok. You're doing great. It's ok to be scared but see, it's safe." If you could watch a film that would take your mind off the time. Lots of love addy. Courage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 did you make it to your appointment addy? Hugs and it doesnt matter If you didnt. Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 I am surprised karaindrou really surprised I had to be sponsored by a dbt psyhologist who put me forward and she is helping me with the project if I even get started I get alot of phone support. The woman i am meeting is lovely I've met her once but speak to her a lot on the phone. I don't want to let her down I so badly want to go and your so right to get an opportunity like that is so anxiety provoking and it makes me depressed people have faith in me but really I'm a failure. My partner is being an asshole he stresses me cause he knows I'm going without him and he doesn't like that he's been trying to fight all evening and just called me a stupid bitch for throwing orange peel on the fire. My appt is tomorrow maddy I'm to be there from half ten until four that is so long. Thankyou both I'll think of you all in my head tomorrow xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 I also got quite a good feedback on a project, which threw me into depression because it was... good! What would a non-bpd say? :-) :-) :-) Yes, Karaindrou will certainly be with you holding your hand when you feel more vulnerable. I have a feeling that your project would be useful to others. Maybe that can be a motivation. I usually think that we are in the best position to better care for people with bpd, PTSD and so on. We suffer from it, we know what helps and doesn't help. Maybe we don't know what helps so much but we certainly know what doesn't help. That our views can be taken into account is a good that may serve many others. I don't mean to put pressure on you addy. Just to thank you. I think of Marsha Linehan as inspiration, regardless of agreeing or not with dbt. You thought of food, music, maybe a scent would be helpful and something to hold on close to your lovely heart. You will find this funny, but I have been putting a plaster on my heart (chest). During the day I feel it there and this gives me the sensation that my heart is being taken care of. I feel a bit silly but it gives me comfort :-) Love to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 That sounds a lovely idea karaindrou I have plasters in my bag but the reasoning behind them isn't positive I plan to either cut or cry or both if it goes wrong. My project is to create and induction pack for other people with Bpd coming into the personality disorder service and what dbt is all about as it's new here and we were the first group in this country to take part in it and I wanted to make people aware of what dbt is, is it suitable for everyone, what if it doesn't work, what other options are available. My sponsor psychologist wants me to go and train to be a service user rep and speak up for the personality disorder service and people who have Bpd. She said she thought on me for it because I'm not intimidated by them and I'm not afraid to speak my mind and be honest and open with them about what I think. I always thought being too open was a bad thing but they said no it's good because I don't come across as aggressive and I'm willing to listen. It's a lot of work though I'm not sure I can do it and my sponsor I feel was trying to steer me away from the dbt pack and more into being a representative for them she said she knows myself and her have different opinions on dbt and that might be challenging for both of us so she wants us to meet. It's all stressful isn't it. I'm so pleased you got good feedback karaindrou but I sense you feel like me it's depressing it's like they expect much more of us then and I get scared but I know this psychologist knows this she did a questionnaire with me yesterday and one of the questions was do I feel alone and I was like yeah all the time and she said she knew how badly it affected me my tone just dropped and then I was silent it's funny how she is analysing things I don't even notice. Thankyou for being with me karaindrou xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 It sounds really amazing. You certainly have a lot to contribute and I am very very pleased that they recognize that. I can also see how it can be stressful with some people thinking differently... I think that people think differently because they are indeed different. You can speak from your experience, which is also the experience of others. I have read in other forums, and here, people with the same reaction to dbt etc. The fact that someone has a different opinion doesn't make it right and ours wrong. Surely you know this theoretically, as i do, but when confronted with it... it's not easy. Regarding feeling alone... the psychologist is very sensitive. How lovely. Good luck addy. Whatever happens it's fine. Lots of love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Yeah I try to be open to their side what gets me is that the woman who ran dbt doesn't want to listen to me about how badly it affected me the rest will and my one to one was very good and he said it didn't work for several reasons and anxiety was the biggest one and dissasociation they prevented me from fully being able to get involved. He said they will offer it to me again in the future but I don't know if would go back. I think it's good for others to know it's ok to feel like this it's ok for it not have worked we aren't failures it's just the way it is and we need to be able access support not rejected but equally they need to know it can work as well and how to get the best out of it. I know it'll be hard for me too though I have strong feelings about dbt xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 I think it's good for others to know it's ok to feel like this it's ok for it not have worked we aren't failures it's just the way it is and we need to be able access support not rejected but equally they need to know it can work as well and how to get the best out of it. Absolutely addy. Oh if others can gain from your experience then your experience would have not been in vain. Ironically, the best therapists are the ones who have suffered and healed themselves. Your project brings me so much hope and also because you say that professionals are interested in what you have to say. The dbt therapist might find it difficult because on some level she may feel that she/they failed you. That really is her stuff. She may need more therapy herself. Your experience is very valid and crucial to better care for people with bpd and PTSD. Big big hug addy. Night night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Good luck Addy Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Thankyou both, I'm wide awake, anxiety is kicking in I'm picturing the long rd and the motorway I'm scared now I won't go :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 It's ok if you don't go. It's important that you feel that you have a choice and that you trust that people won't judge you. I think that you want to go but if it's too much then it is ok to listen to you. As it is ok to challenge that vulnerability and disbelief that you can do something by yourself. I believe that you can but I also hear the fearful vulnerable little addy. That part of you needs to feel safe enough to do it. I am certainly holding little addy's hand right now so that she can sleep regardless of what will happen tomorrow. Tomorrow is still faaaaar away! Little addy needs a good night sleep. Night night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 I so badly want to go though, but I am so scared I am terrified and it's only a stupid bus where is my rational side when I need it. It's almost 1am and I need to be up at 7.30am and I'm supposed to txt the psychologist when I get up. I'm so frustrated I could cry I possibly will at some point soon. Thankyou for the lullaby your not out of it you are lovely with lovely creative ideas and thoughts xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 huge hugs addy. Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 Good morning addy. Have a lovely day regardless of what you do. I'm thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 I didn't go I'm so disappointed and annoyed at myself I woke at 7.30 shaking with anxiety. Then got a txt to say my kids school is closed due to snow but the older two sill have school. As I have a hospital aopt in Belfast this afternoon I'm trying to persuade my partner to go up a bit earlier and I might call in to see the psychologist for an hour then I might not feel so useless. But if it snows more he won't go I can't and him though and to top it of he would have to amuse the kids for an hour in the cat and then I feel bad about that. Trying to resist the urge to sh I hate this feeling I so badly wanted to go. Thankyou for thinking of me. Thanks for the hugs maddy, hugs back to you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 Thats ok that you didnt go. Try be kind to your self. Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 Thankyou maddy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 thats all right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 Sorry Addy, I can see how it upset you. Sending nice comforting thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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