Reggy Ryan Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 Hi all! I'm Ryan, part of me isn't really sure why I'm doing this yet on the other hand this is the right thing to do. I've always had a bit of a bizarre life starting from my childhood. Coming into my adolescence I guess you can say I put on a pseudo persona to fit in (although that failed miserably) I had never truley been able to speak to anyone about the voices telling me to commit suicide, voices that were my family in my head. My parents and I had a very difficult relationship. I was impossible to live with. They often reffered to me as Jekyll and Hyde, looking back this is quite comical and I suppose the irony is that they were sort of right. Anyway stuff happened which I don't want to go into too much detail about just yet, and I attempted to commit suicide... 7 time. It was on the 7th that my (ex) Girlfriend suggested I go and see a doctor as she suffered from depression and she said something wasn't right with me (something wasn't right with her as a few weeks later she cheated on me... but I digress). I told the doctors about the mood swings, the feelings of creativity and that grandiose feeling of that thought you are pretty much a god. I'm a singer songwriter and the best of my art was created in these times, I had an innate ability to completely slip in to my own fantasy world where my deepest thoughts would become reality. This was heaven. however there's always the other side of the coin which I explain above. Initially I got fobbed off as having sever depression and anxiety, but I wasn't happy with that. I wasn't always depressed... so how the hell could this be a correct diagnosis. They slapped me on 20mg of fluoxetine and sent me on my way. That's where things started to get weird, I started to think the government were controlling me and refused to take the medication... move forward 4 months for suicide attempt number 8. Finally I was seen by a professional and was referred to a mental health nurse. He had 3 possibilities Schizophrenia, Bipolar type 2 or BPD. I went to see a psychiatrist and was officially diagnosed with BPD (yay) I told myself that was it, I know what the parasite dwelling in my mind was... I can deal with it. I refused any therapy they offered me and went on my way... well a few months later... I'm sure you can guess... number 9. not only have I tried to kill myself again but my scars from self mutilation are dire (can someone tell me why it feels so good and why it relieves the voices) Since then I have been in regular visits with my RMN as he's the only real one I trust. I'm on 200 mg of Lamotrigine now as well as well as 60 mg of fluoxetine, and things are ok I guess, the feelings of paranoia are still there, I have a new girlfriend and whenever she's at work on occasion I will think she's lying to me and that she's cheating on me. I'm so scared of being alone again and after my ex surely this is a valid reason to be paranoid? The voices haven't stopped however I find headphones on loud seem to somewhat work for settling them (I can't hear them) and it is much healthier for me than the razor blade I guess. I haven't touched on my drug addiction (past now thank god) or my smoking (again past) but I'm told this is something that goes hand in hand with BPD, so I guess you assumed as much. Anyway, my RMN has suggested I start talking to other people with BPD or other conditions (he said politely like minded people even though I refer to myself as F'd up as I'm sure many of you do if you are truly "like minded") So that's why I'm here Sorry for the long post, hopefully you'll read it and bid me welcome haha Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 Hello and welcome Thank you for sharing so much truth about yourself Very saddened to read of your many difficult struggles in dealing with your experiencing.... Loud chaotic minds with voices and self destructive instructions is something that so many out here very sadly know well and very bravely battle through.... You will find good people with sound information and emotionally supportive souls up here on the forum. I wish you safe nights and many better days. Sorry that cannot respond to your question right now but it does have a straight forward chemical interaction answer which is a lot easier to understand than the actual symptoms!! For now may I say sh is addictive so well done you for challenging....many if us understand the relief and negative coping cycle of this.... Searchable forum so much information is already in previous postings from others..... Well wishes from moonbeambeth :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 hi and welcome. I also have bpd hear voices. Have autisum and a d h d and i am blind. I shair my house with two guinea pigs and a lot of instruments. what instruments do you play If any? Do you sing too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Hello and warm welcome to the forums. I don't have BPD but I also hear voices and have suicidal thoughts when cyclic depression kicks in. I read of a lot of people using music and headphones to make the voices more bearable, it never worked for me though. What kind of music do you listen the most? I see that you are an artist. We have a creative corner on the Good Day & Recovery forum. We find that finding others who understand what we live is reassuring. Hope you like it here and looking forward to your next post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 welcome im just back myself from being away for awhile. Im sure u will find this place to open up and find what ur looking for. xx take care xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MischaD Posted February 9, 2015 Report Share Posted February 9, 2015 Hi Ryan I am just new here too and haven't quite had the energy to do my introduction post yet. I was also diagnosed with depression for years but recently, after 18 years in mental health services they have finally said it's BPD. I am also looking to find 'like minded' people so I feel less alone in my condition. Anyway, hope this forum proves useful for both of us. Mischa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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