Desperately Need Answers To Why I Feel Physical An Mental Pain Nearly Everyday Of My Life For Years

[Lelamatela]

Hi all,

hoping by writing on here I can talk to like minded people an we could help eachover. Think I would feel slightly better at least.

No one understands, I don't even understand myself which is beyond frustrating. I've had enough of fighting fighting fighting. I'm 26 now an this has been going on since I can remember. The physical pAin bloating uncomfortable stomach pains in my knees arms sickness all the time! Headaches, weakness, fluid retention. Cramps so painful I'm sweating an throwing up. has been going on for about 3 4 years but depression a lot longer panick attacks for the past 2 years. Uncomfortable pain during intercourse. Frequent urine infections doctors says it all psychological. How can I feel so much pain an there be no answer, it's anxiety., why!?? Why do I have anxiety and can it seriously cause all this pain nearly everyday and I ain't exaggerating.

My mood is so up and down someone can say something an I'll take it to seriously an go from being happy to a psycho in seconds want to die run away from it all. Over the slightest thing! Example mum saying I need to take my dog to work cos she don't want to look after her all the time. Cry over the daftest things like a cartoon Simpsons to be exact when Bart gave Lisa a hug lol.

I thought all this emotional ups an downs was just cos I was lonely. But I am still the same after getting with my boyfriend who loves me and I love him I have a lovely supporting family a good job there's no need for me to be this way.

Ye I can put it down to being sexually assaulted an groomed for years of my childhood an my mum giving me up to my dad then my dad giving me up cos he couldn't take how crazy I was. That's all fine now I get on my parents and I put the man to jail! who abused me.

Never had a relationship last a year I always split up with them but if they leave me I go crazy even physically stop them leaving even though I didn't want to be with them anyway.

My friends have always described me as nuts life an soul of the party. They only ever see me when I'm feeling confident and happy though. Because most if the time I'm depressed an don't want to see anyone. Because I don't want to bring them down with me.

I get horrific intrusive thoughts, I imagine turning my steering wheel into an oncoming lorry sometimes. Or driving off the hill near where I live. I don't want to die but sometimes I do an it's scary because I know in that moment of madness it could happen. I do honestly think though if I don't get answers an I keep feeling this way into my mid 30's i probably will top myself like my friend did, I understand why she did it's exhausting fighting everyday just to feel normal.

Sorry for the long essay I hope someone can relate. Hope I haven't been to open an upset anyone. Thanks for reading. lela

[Kara.]

Lelamatela welcome.

I am sorry that no one has replied to your post. I notice that there are times when the forum goes quieter and times when people are more participative.

I read your post and you have mentioned very difficult past experiences that seem to still affect your life. As unfair as it feels, you described different traumatic experiences that have most probably impacted on your development and also, maybe have left marks on your body memory.

People here have experience of being in therapy and I, of course, suggest that you find a good psychotherapist that can help you process the traumatic experiences and also, offer some of the stuff that you might have missed in your development.

Are you in touch with the mental health care in your area? Maybe you could start from there and really think of engaging in therapy.

There are also private therapies that you might want to explore if you can afford and think that what the NHS has to offer is not adequate to your needs.

I'm pleased that you found this forum. I usually have lots of hope and find it difficult to give up. Others have managed to recover so I urge everyone to fight for a better life state.

Hugs and again, welcome! :-)

[Lelamatela]

Hi Karaindrou

Thank you so much for your response. It means a lot. I'm to impatient I realise now that it was late. And considering that other people on here have mental health issues they arnt always gonna want to talk, like myself sometimes. I understand.

Ye I've tried to get help for years but cos I move from place to place. Doctors to doctors I haven't got settled enough to find the right person. I am currently in therapy which I waited almost a year for c.b.t. He's lovely but I don't think it's the right treatment for me. He even said himself I'm gonna be difficult to work with, as in putting the strategies to work. How can they work when I fly off the handle within seconds over nothing. He wants me to stop an think for a minute but in that minute it's already happened. Damage is done.

In the last few years. I have noticed patterns in my life an have come to the realisation that there could be something mentally wrong with me. My sister has suggested I might have bpd an so has my step mum an bio mum.

I don't want this to be true but reading about people with bpd on here describes me to a T ! Even though I don't want this I desperately need answers.

I suffer with panick attacks almost everyday I haven't been to hospital though cos I know it will pass.

I'd had enough yesterday though an went to the hospital waited 3 hours an walked out because they had emergencies come in an I didn't want to get in the way of that. Because after all I have dealt with this for years so it's not an emergency it just is to me.

I've always felt like I'm different to my peers. Some friends think I'm being silly but they ain't with me everyday they only see me when I'm well happy an confident.

I am so glad I found this sight at least I can relate to people feel like I fit in more here. Thanks again

[Threemoons]

Hi Lela. Warm welcome to this community, I hope your stay here will help you. People here are really supportive so please use the forums to talk or vent anytime you feel like it.

High stress and anxiety can cause body pains but I think that any possible physiological cause must be ruled out before giving this diagnosis. Have you had exams to ensure that nothing's wrong physically?

I want to congratulate you for having put the man who assaulted you in jail, you had the right to do so and you did it so well done! While he is in jail, he can't attack someone else so thank you.

If nothing's wrong with you physically, maybe your pains are related to post-traumatic body memories? I think that at least your pains during intercourse may be related to the bad event. Just my non-expert opinion as it rings a bell in me.

If you think you might have BPD or another mental illness, have you consulted a psychiatrist to get assessed yet?

I'm sorry you don't think the therapy you're given is the right one for you. Don't lose hope though, try another method or another therapist. I obviously don't know how it works in your country but I hope you have a say on your treatment.

You're not being silly, dear. Your struggles are very valid.

I wish you a good day today. It must be very hard being in such pain everyday.

Kind thoughts and take care.

[Lelamatela]

Hi again three moons ! I did write back a long message but battery died grrrrr an can't be arsed writing it again if I'm honest I will tomo going sleep now it's 2:30am. Why three moons btw ? funny I had a dream about 5 moons! Lol and a certain date 21st may weird never dreamt of someone telling me a date in my dream before or seeing 5 moons freaky anyway good night. Hope your well and thanks again for replying.

Much love lela :-)

[Threemoons]

Oh, not nice on the battery to die in the middle of a long writing! I hope you slept well?

Threemoons comes from the fantasy novels Trillium. I just like these and the idea of a three moons landscape.

[MischaD]

Hi Lelamatela

I am new here too but haven't had the energy to write my story yet - I can relate to a lot of what you are saying about always feeling different from peers, mood swings, intrusive thoughts, CBT not working, physical pains and just being desperate to know what is wrong and why I feel this way. After 18years in mental health services I was eventually diagnosed with BPD. It took a nervous breakdown and yet another suicide attempt to get the right support. I am now getting DBT which I hope will help, it is early days though. I can also relate to what you are saying about being so tired of this.

As people above have recommended you should get in touch with the CMHT through your GP and ask for an assessment by a psychiatrist. I have found that getting my diagnosis has definitely been a relief in some way as for years I just felt so misunderstood and 'crazy'.

Good luck, hope we both find this forum helpful.

Mischa