trurosurfer26 Posted February 12, 2015 Report Share Posted February 12, 2015 Hi, I haven't looked for a diagnosis of BPD or anything but I have recently been suffering from depression and anxiety, for which I'm now on Sertraline (or something of a similar spelling!). I don't really know how to start this! I have always, even as a child felt like I don't fit in to any particular group and have always gone out of my way to please others and had crazy attachment issues when I'm alone. This is probably going to be all over the place so bear with me!! I'm now 34 and have been feeling more and more 'odd', distant, lonely, feeling empty (especially in the evening), get angry very quickly, I'm very very withdrawn and do have any desire to much, not even work. I've only just realised that I've been masking this emptiness and lonely feeling my whole life, by drinking or smoking weed, it's a shock to me I'm only now aware of it. It's a horrible feeling, like falling, I feel restless, bored, like I'm worthless, I can't think of things to say, hold a conversation.....just to reiterate, I've had this feeling my whole life, it's not just a phase. I'm starting to notice it now when I actually do leave the house to go to work or whatever, the only time I don't really get it is when I'm out drinking! Which is why I probably have an unwanted tag of being 'the party boy!' because it's the only time I can really get away from it. Another part of my personality which makes me question whether I have BPD is the need, the overwhelming need to please people, to seem like the good guy, to fit in (although I don't feel like I fit in anywhere!), I have NEVER been single and would rather be in a shitty relationship than me alone, it scares the shit out of me! I can hold a relationship together but part of that relationship makes me feel really really insecure and I get huge anxiety over thoughts that she's cheating (with no rational evidence) or I think she's not coming home ever because she's died in a car crash, typing this out makes it sound ridiculous, but at the time the thought's are so so real. Now the shiity part.......I've been unfaithful A LOT! A lot during this relationship and even more so in the past ones. I don't know why I do it, it's like I need the buzz of the excitement and these things don't just happen, I pursue them, I instigate them without thought of my partner or the consequences of my actions. I could go on and on about how I don't feel right in the world! I don't really know what to do next.....guess that's why I'm here! Do I go to my doctors and say, "hey I read this article", (this one by they way http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/BPD.html) "and I've never read something that defines me more". Thanks for reading guys. This honestly is the first time I've ever told ANYONE about my 'head'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted February 12, 2015 Report Share Posted February 12, 2015 Hi, How brave of you to come here and talk about these things. I think a lot of can relate wheter we have BPD or not. It sounds like you might but I am not a doctor. I think its perfectly ok to show your doc and ask about it. What I would want to warn you about though is not to get to attached to whatever label they put on you. I think the main thing is that you need help with your particular symptoms. There is good help out there and lots of hope. We are also here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruby_slippers91 Posted February 12, 2015 Report Share Posted February 12, 2015 First, can I just say well done. It takes an amazing amount of strength to acknowledge you may have a problem and you may need help. The first point of contact should probably be your gp but sometimes it's difficult to articulate how you feel and the effect it's having on your life. Unfortunately most people don't get the help and support until they are at a total crisis point. Alternatively you could see a psychotherapist privately but this can cost a fair bit. But the most positive thing is you clearly have a good level of self awareness and that I have found will get you through a lot in life. It's a long road for some people and it is incredibly hard but all you can do is your best at the time and when you know better, do better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trurosurfer26 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2015 Thank you guys, I've buried my head in the sand for too long. My thoughts and actions are really starting to impact on my life in quite a negative manner. At least now I can see it. I've never really been suicidal but recently some 'dark' thoughts have crept into my mind which is worrying. Will defiantly get back to the docs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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