Extremely Hate Myself And Lots Of Other Frustrations (Contains Triggering And Vulgar Language.)

[scabroabyssplea]

Finally managed to write something.

Hate myself anger and scaredness - I hate (and don't trust) myself an extreme lot. I dont think I deserve anything ever at anytime, from anyone, anywhere or anyhow. I consider myself and everything about me inferior to others (my opinions, thoughts, feelings etc.). I never talk to anyone, often don't even say the bare minimum, because I don't trust them ("those fucking bastards", I think in my head. I simply hate humans at this point for all that (hurtful) which they've done to me and all those others who've not done anything for me at all (who couldn't be bothered.)) I fucking hate myself not to be able to say these things or anything else to others and I hate others for being as they are, in which position they're more of an impediment than offering me the help that I need (and desperately 'pray' for). I am fucking scared of what's beyond it, if I were to speak; the future, what they're going to do to me, criticise me for, that theyre going to get in my way, disrespect me, a turn of the tides for them (after which they treat me completely differently).

Unsupported - Feel I've been trying everything in life to get support, but its just not there and doesn't exist (councillors and professionals cant find a diagnosis other than Depression, PTSD and anxiety for me, but I feel there's sth more there, much more. They're the health professionals, but it frustrates me so much that if they can't do anything, who else could or how, what can I do???!!!!)) And I've been really dangling on the edge of suicide for a very long time. CBT approaches had been tried, but I dont buy into those or put up with them.

Frustrated that cant progress - I am fucking frustrated, helpless and powerless over my daily disconnecting and detachment all the time from almost everything. I am also very frustrated over my hugely ingrained/self defensive avoiding and denying behaviour patterns (partly as a result of feeling inferior to others. E.g. when others feel a certain way, I feel/believe I dont have any thoughts, feelings or don't deserve anything anymore). I am extremely frustrated when I see others who are able to do well in all those things I dont/cant do well in and are 'doing much better' in approaching, thinking about or even just wording (e.g. talking at times about) their personal things (when theyre struggling (a lot.))

Quiet person - I tend to be the timid/quiet person who swallows (many of) his words, thoughts and feelings (as well as bottles things up), rather than to let them out (often because I dismiss what I said/thought myself (as my parents always used to do (so, probably as a result of them doing it and still hearing their voices in my head) and all the criticism, bullying and betrayal Ive received from others)). I also often assume the whole world already knows what's going on for me, what my thoughts etc. are, as I am always paranoia that when Ive spoken to someone about sth, or think sth, the whole world knows that I think that. So, I feel totally exposed, anxious and ready for peoples criticism and snide comments all the time.

Harsh on myself - I am always extremely harsh on myself. Constantly saying to myself "OK <me>, you've said enough (bullocks, time consuming and off-topic) things now, shut the fuck up! And that's (even though Id rather not admitted it at this point (because it sounds contradictory)) when I've basically hardly said anything yet.

Unsure how still alive - I've been created out of this planet and will be absorbed back into it when I die, but at the moment, I have absolutely no idea how I am still alive.

[Lily-Bee]

Hi,

I am sure there are many here including me that are willing to try and help and offer their support.

Not sure if there was a question anywhere in your post. Just want you to know I read it and I sense how much of a struggle this is for you.

To me it sounds like you feel inferior and youre constantly expecting put downs etc. Your way of dealing is silence?

And then there is a huge amount of anger about your past which your projecting on humanity as a whole?

I dont like CBT either, have you ever heard of ACT? I found it very helpful...

[maddy harper]

Hi. I am sorry your struggling right now. Keep postin here if it helps. It does me.

[Threemoons]

Hi, I've just read your post and I acknowledge your struggles. I think I can relate to some points in each of your paragraphs and it's not surprising as we have depression and PTSD in common. In my case there is something more that went undiagnosed for a long time so I understand what you might feel while searching for the truth. Not sure what your question is but I'm willing to help if you ask something. Did writing things help a bit?

[scabroabyssplea]

Hi,

I am sure there are many here including me that are willing to try and help and offer their support.

Not sure if there was a question anywhere in your post. Just want you to know I read it and I sense how much of a struggle this is for you.

To me it sounds like you feel inferior and youre constantly expecting put downs etc. Your way of dealing is silence?

And then there is a huge amount of anger about your past which your projecting on humanity as a whole?

I dont like CBT either, have you ever heard of ACT? I found it very helpful...

Yes, there's a huge amount of anger about the past and present regarding ongoing problems. Never heard of ACT.

[scabroabyssplea]

Hi, I've just read your post and I acknowledge your struggles. I think I can relate to some points in each of your paragraphs and it's not surprising as we have depression and PTSD in common. In my case there is something more that went undiagnosed for a long time so I understand what you might feel while searching for the truth. Not sure what your question is but I'm willing to help if you ask something. Did writing things help a bit?

Yeah, I just think there's something else. Not that those mental health 'specialists' can probably do much about it, but then at least I know a bit more/where to look for things/keep my eyes open.