Its A Tough Ride

[ruffryder]

Hi everyone

iv not been here for a while. Iv had alot on im now careing full time for my mum as she has been diagnosed with cancer my life has beenturned upside down. Its good that im becoming close to her but the constant day to stuff is getting to me.

Im finding it really difdicult to become grounded i have been diaociated for days now. Iv told people about it but no one can do anything. I told psyc to and she wasnt that botherd i have no one to vent to.

Its getting scary and really painful having voices in my head. They are so loud my head and ears hurt all the time. I cant think strait i cant feel anything nice but i dont have the time it takes to gather my thoughts as im up again caring for mum. These voices in my head are so horrible to me put me down about everything. Screaming and shouting at me constantly it hurts so much.

Im having really bad sexuality issues im so scared that im gay and its so strong im trying to accept it as much as i can but im not able to do it. Its so confusing i feel i am gay but im sure im not women have been pretty mean to me and i feel alot of hurt around them that im not alowed to be vulnrable and feel or it will get used against me. I dont have much attraction to men but i do have strong fantasies of being raped and abused by men which is so demining but it has full control over me right now. Its crushed me so much im not sure how much longer i can bare to live with it. A strong sexual urge to be abused by a man but deep down in my heart i want to love a woman to be close and affectionate see beauty look deep into her eyes and see her soul but what woman would want a fuckup like me am i gay then. Yes the voices say yes you are a useless weak little queer your good for nothing your disgusting. But i dont want a relationship with a man. Yes you do thats all you deserve is to be a sex toy for some perver your scum.

All i want is true love and acceptance from a woman but iv been turned away with disgusted looks. Kicked beaten put down im so hurt and damaged someone please take me off this earth

[Kara.]

ruffryder you do have quite a lot on your plate right now. I'm sorry that your mum was diagnosed with cancer.

You are talking about complex issues and fantasies that maybe needed to be explored and contained within psychotherapy. I hope that you don't act on your fantasies as there is lots of self-harm involved in them. As you said, love is really what you long for.

You're not a fuck up. You suffer but that is not equivalent with being a fuck up. There is a lot of self denigration. Maybe try to be gentler to yourself. Compassion from you to you. Warm hug ruffryder.

[cm23]

Oh ruffryder! You are NOT a fuck up. You are hurting. There's a big difference my friend and more than anything I want you to know that no matter how much you hurt, it will never mean you are a fuck up.

You certainly are dealing with quite a lot and it's understandable that you'd be struggling. Are you seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist or a doctor? These are big things that no one would expect you to deal with alone. I am so happy you are here sharing with us but I urge you to seek more help as well.

If you can right now, take a few minutes to do one nice thing for yourself. It can be as simple as getting a cup of coffee or buying your favorite candy bar. You certainly deserve it.

Taking care of your mother like you are shows that you are a warrior. I don't think anyone doing what you're doing could be considered a fuck up.

[Lily-Bee]

I think therapy could indeed help you very much with these issues.

Gosh it all sounds so confusing and so painfull!

The voices in your head have you ever tried to figure out where they come from? What I mean is you seem to have internalised this abusive voice, has anyone in your past made you feel that way? could it be that a part or all of you started to believe youre no good etc and therefor youve subconsiously created this voice that tells you all these things youve been told or made to feel and now think may be true?

It can help if you can make the connection between whatever happened to you and these voices so that you can start to see them for they are; an ingrained part of your past, not be believed, not be taken seriously. These voices lose power and can even end up dissapearing when you see it for what it is.

As for your sexuality I had sort of the same thought there; what woman in your childhood made you feel so bad? Maybe I am completely wrong but often when we are older we seek out partners without realizing it that behave the way a significant mother or father figure from our past did in order to try to solve or have a do over what happened in the past. Or because it is all youve known.

This is all subconsiously, the good news is when you start to see how your past and your life now relate you wil change.

Have you beed taught being gay is bad? I think you know, the real part of you knows thats not a bad thing.

I dont know if youre gay, I dont know why you fantasize about these things, where you ever abused by a man?

These things can be figured out and that can help you in many ways. I really think psycho therapy would be great for you but I am not a doc!

The fact that youre taking care of your mum does that bring up extra stress with you regarding your past, do you have good connection with your mum?

I could be wrong about all these things so please cast these ideas aside if they do not fit whats going with you. But if there is something there those are things you might want to think about more.

[maddy harper]

aww i really feel for you sweets. I too have voices screaming and shouting inside my head. I head bang when they get really bad. Guess thats my method for coping with them when nothing else works. I use that as a last resort as i usually end up giving my self a head ake the size of france. your not alone n your struggles or suffering hope thats a comfort to know.

[ruffryder]

Thank you all for your comments

karain iv be lived for a while that this is a type of self harm the worse i feel and the more i hate myself the stronger it gets. I have come close to acting these out talking to people online but when it became real and i had to meet up with these guys i just couldn't put myself through it.

i have been trying to do nice things and have been finding them hard as my ego stops me at every turn when wanting to feel nice i guess ill keep trying xx

[ruffryder]

Thank you very much cm23

i do feel so broken and hurt by the outside world and i feel so vulnerable and confused it's extremely scary every time I walk out my front door i feel like i have to be prepared to defend myself physically and i haven't learned how to let go of that after i get home.

i have got a psychiatrist but I'm not taking medication as iv not found one that really agrees with me and works well she wants me to start quetiapin but if it makes me feel too drowsy i won't be able to look after mum.

[ruffryder]

Hi lilly bee thanks for your post

The voices are of old friends, family and authorative people that are very judgemental in life I'm not sure I can trace it back to one incident but maybe it's because I have rejection and abandonment issue that I changed myself to all there judgements so they wouldn't reject me. Now I have no idea who I am. Trying to find myself my mind is trying to stop me from progressing in case I get rejected.

Iv had alot of instances where girls have put me down growing up all my friends used to get girlfriends but they used to dislike me alot and look at me with disgust this made me extremely self conscious and depressed iv always been told I'm not good enough not man enough now I belive it so deeply and feel the wound is so deep no women would want to come near me for me to even begin to repair. I have spoke to therapists about my sexual fantasies but none of them knew what to do and one was a sex therapist. They said just accept I'm gay and go to gay clubs that alot of people have rape fantasies. I have no memory of being abused but seem to have a connection with what I feel to my uncle tho I really don't remember him doing anything.

my relationship with my mum is better than ever really I feel iv got her back from when she started taking heroine and abandoned me. I felt like I lost her but she hadn't died. She went to rehab but kept taking until she went to hospital for her cancer me and my brother agreed she couldn't go back home so she come to mine and she's clean for the first time in years so now we are building a bond. I do feel bad tho as I feel so detached that I'm not appreciating our time together enough.

I am on a waiting list for psychodynamic therapy and have been for a year now I have no clue how long that will take. My psychiatrist keeps saying soon but until then iv no one to talk to about this

[ruffryder]

Thank you dear maddie I'm sorry you have them too the psychiatrist just seems to dismiss them like it's nothing. I hope you can find other way s of dealing with them other than head banging or maybe try just head banging to heavy metal music :)

[cm23]

I'm on quietipan and I was worried it would make me too drowsy to care for my son so they started me on a really low dose. I've worked my way up to 100mg a day and I can honestly say it's changed my life. the voices and the hallucinations have been gone since the very first dose and I have far fewer nightmares. I'm still pretty paranoid but without the voices it's a lot more manageable. I felt tired the first couple days I was on it but could still function well and once everything leveled out, the daytime drowsiness has subsided. I take it right before bed and it helps me sleep so well and as long as I get 8 hours of sleep, I usually don't feel tired. I know everyone is different but with my experience I would recommend you give it a try if that's what your psychiatrist is suggesting.

[cm23]

Also, I can kind of relate to your sexuality issues. I have no memory of ever being abused but I have exhibited the signs of someone who was abused since I was a toddler. There was some speculation about my father and then a man that my grandmother dated but it's impossoble to know for sure. It really does a number on your brain to have to deal with those kind of things. Especially when you're young and if you're then not validated and put down through out life. I think it's perfectly understandable that you're struggling. My therapist always says "you're having normal reactions to an abnormal situation" looking at it like that helps me know I'm not really so fucked up.

And I can say, being a single mom who was abandoned, I'd give ANYTHING for a guy who just stuck and gave a shit, Ya know? And you seem like that kind of guy. So there is hope, my friend. There are women out there who will appreciate you.

[ruffryder]

Thank you cm23 your are such a wonderful person for saying that it's a shame we live opposite sides of the world (only joking)

I don't have anything against gay people I think it's more internalised homophobia. I can't feel that it'sa normal reaction as I don't know if I was abused or not I just feel I'd remember that bad experiences stick in my mind. Maybe I need to find someone that is ok with taking it slow and working up to sex if they exist lol. I'm really sorry you had to go through that and I understand the pain of abandonment big hugs to you ((((cm23))))

I am starting on 50mg but can drop to 25 if I need. I think I'm going to have to take some time out of college too which I feel bad about but I don't think I can deal with the stress of starting a new med caring for my mum and going to college too.

[cm23]

Oh haha! Making jokes, rhats a good sign

You're brave to be giving the med a try. I hope it goes well for you. You should never feel bad about doing what you have to to take care of yourself and get well.