Bpd - New Diagnosis. Lost Family And Have Very Few Friends. Help.

[Kristyl85]

Hi there everyone,

Well here goes...

I have known for quite awhile there was something wrong with me. I have struggled to keep friendships my whole life and I literally have one friend who has stuck by me. For some reason I manage to not rage at her when I feel angry.. I think I feel like she isn't attacking me like others do and I trust her not to leave me.

My romantic relationships have been TURBULENT. So intense in the beginning and the something snaps inside of me.... I don’t want them to be near me but I dont want to let them go either. And then on top of it I want to sleep with other people? It’s awful! I hate myself for it sometimes. Plus my drinking gets out of control. Anything that numbs me and makes me feel a bit better for five mins and I’ll do it!

My relationship has recently broken down (for good) with my mother and brother. My mother also has BPD symptoms (won’t admit to it) and I think my brother just has had enough of my behaviour and fighting with my family. He sees me as an embarrassment I think.

My father is really the only one that has anything to do with me anymore but even he won’t get involved in the nastiness from my mother... it’s like my mum wants to punish me for this... for being this way and is determined to isolate me from any remaining people I have in my life by telling them what a crazy person I am - i'm not sure why a mother would want to do this to their daughter?

Anyhow, the abandonment from my mother and brother has been extremely hard to take. I know she isn't well either but it literally makes me feel crazy sometimes. I feel like she is trying to make me crazy.

I was sexually abused as a child and took pills at age 16 to block everything. Since then I have been on antidepressant medication and intermittent therapy. At XMAS time I lost my job and it just tipped me over the edge. I took pills again. My mum insisted the psyc team keep me in there over XMAS even when they wanted to release me. They did release me and then my mother had the cops come and collect me anyhow. Said I’d sent her a suicide message (I hadn’t).

Afterwards I told her how evil that was to do, that I hated her and needed support not to be locked up. She has since stopped talking to me and told my Granny a whole heap of lies.. Grandma calls me evil, the families biggest disappointment and won’t speak with me anymore. She even told my father she had gifted me 20k and that I have been spreading stuff about her to the family (all VERY untrue lies...).

I am on 200mg sertraline but weaning off that at the moment in order to be put on another. Are there any meds others would suggest to help me with my BPD that wont bomb me out? I need to function at work (and not lose this job L)

I am in a very strange relationship at the moment with a guy who adores me but I have gone off him... just like I do with every one of my other relationships. At the same time I cant let him go.

REALLY need advice. I literally cant be like this anymore! I can NOT turn out like my mother and I don’t want to end up alone!

HELP...

[Lily-Bee]

Well gee youve gone through so much and still are dealing with so much! No wonder you have issues and are feeling bad. Its is not your fault I hope you know that.

You are asking us for help please know we are always here for you, to support you and give advice we think may help you.

In general my first thing would be to advice you to not just get meds but also therapy. have you been offered any?

There are also some good books, selfhelp books for people with BPD out there.

As for meds, the thing with these kind of meds is that what works for one might not work for another so its a bit of a trial and error thing. It also depends on your particular synptoms what may be worth a try for you and your psychiatrist is best at having an idea about that.

You say you need to be able to function, so I guess youve found that the meds you took so far made you too lethargic or something? That can sometimes be dose related...

[Kristyl85]

I havn't had any BPD meds as such but had sleeping pills that were meant to calm me and help me sleep and totally bombed me out the next day.

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow re: meds and im in the system to see a psyciatrist. It costs a lot to see one privately here in New Zealand

I'm just sick of living like this. I feel such immense pain and distress and anger that sometimes I just want to sleep so I dont have to feel it. And i'm afraid of being abandoned so much that I push everyone away before they can do it to me.

I literally hate someone or love them - there is no in between for me. I feel INTENSE emotional pain but empty all at the same time. 30 years of this and I literally cant do it anymore. I'm so exhausted. It is just not fair to have to live like this.

[maddy harper]

hi there welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear of your situation. I really feel for you. Hugs from me and wheeks from the guineas. Keep posting here if it helps.