Carwreckfrown Posted February 25, 2015 Report Share Posted February 25, 2015 Hi, everyone. I'm new here and have been diagnosed with BPD today by my psychiatrist. I've pretty much spent my entire day/night researching everything I could find. One thing that is sticking out from my session today is that my psych pointed out that I have a very black and white view on things. I have never seen an issue with this, that's just the way I've always thought. Kind of got into an argument with him about it as he didn't really explain it very well. I'm not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Could someone explain to me what he means by black and white thinking? Also, he has referred me to a dietician because of my eating patterns, seemingly because I binge and then make myself sick. I'm pretty sure everyone does this! Well I think they do but he's adamant that this isn't normal ect. I just don't understand from what I've read about certain issues to do with bpd and to be honest the causes. I've felt totally uncontrollably angry due to what I have gathered is the causes are childhood abuse along with other things. I've found myself making stupid revenge plans for my brother and thinking of every way possible to punish him. Is it his fault as to why I have bpd or is it really mine for not being strong enough to just deal and move on? I'm sorry for the rambling, I'm just scared, angry, confused and full of ridiculous questions. Any help would be so much appreciated! V. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted February 25, 2015 Report Share Posted February 25, 2015 Can you ask your psychiatrist? Everyone with bpd is different, I have bpd and other issues but I wouldn't be planning revenge against people who hurt me. Black and white thinking is its either one way or the other like you say you binge well the other side would be starving or in my way of thinking I sometimes feel ok likeable and other times i hate myself no inbetween. Hope others here can help I'm not doing good so I'm not thinking straight. It isn't always caused by abuse an invalidating environment can be just as harmful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carwreckfrown Posted February 25, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2015 I just feel really stupid and self conscious about asking for him to explain it better, I just thought it would be better asking people who have the same diagnosis. I really appreciate you replying! And you are helping. I just feel so angry about everything at the moment. Especially towards my brother. I just want all of this to disappear. Ahh I get it now! Thank you for explaining the whole black and white thinking to me. Feel even more stupid now! I'm really sorry for what your feeling too. I hope things even slightly improve for you. Ahh okay, the only reason why I thought it was down to the whole abuse thing is the material I've read seems to point to that! Will have to re read and make sure I haven't misunderstood! Again thanks a lot for your reply. Means a lot after a stupid day like this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted February 25, 2015 Report Share Posted February 25, 2015 No your not stupid and please don't feel you are for asking what bpd is, after i was dx I asked to speak to my psychiatrist and asked him to explain what it meant. I often feel the same angry at people who I know contributed to me being this way but I have cut them out of my life only way for me to cope. Are you getting any treatment for bpd have they offered any? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carwreckfrown Posted February 25, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2015 I just get paranoid that like my psych will be laughing at me with his colleagues because I haven't understood something. Thank you, I really try to rationalise things and to just ask if I don't understand something but then the paranoia ect sets in. I am going to ask him on our next appointment, the thing that I found strange was this was my first appointment with him and from my history notes with CPNS and what I've said today he just diagnosed me with bpd. He said that the mental health team are going to have a meeting about me next week on what's the best approach. He mention briefly about medications but didn't say what ones and about therapy but I can't remember what treatments he said. The good thing is he put me back on my propranolol which is a huge relief. I stopped taking my setraline in November as they didn't do anything for me. Yeah, I agree with you about cutting them out of your life and I have tried to hard but he gets to me through other people, like really manipulative and getting information on me and using it against me ect. I just want him to stop messing with my head and to just dissapear. I feel like I'm getting to the point where if I ever bumped into him I wouldn't be able to control my actions. That's not me, I'm not violent or volatile unless I'm having my mood swings but even then I'm not violent. So it scares me the fact that I know I would do something bad. Thanks for your reply! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted February 26, 2015 Report Share Posted February 26, 2015 Hi Carwreckfrown. I'm really sorry that you were diagnosed with bpd. It's understandable that you feel so scared and confused. Who wouldn't? I think that it's good if you get as much info as possible so that you understand bpd but more importantly, so that you understand yourself. You can start identifying patterns of behaving, thinking and feeling that are related to you and the ones that aren't. But maybe you also need time to deal with such diagnosis and to see each way to go. Let me just tell you that your psych won't be laughing at you with his colleagues and that you are not stupid for not knowing. Please don't restrict yourself from asking any questions in here. Ask all the questions you feel like asking and we will happily support you in this. I thought that you might like to read this news from 2011. It's about the story of someone who has created a therapy for bpd and who also had bpd herself. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carwreckfrown Posted February 26, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2015 Thank you for your reply karaindrou! That's exactly what I've been trying to do, just so I can identify what symptoms I have and what ones I don't. I tick the majority of boxes which is quite scary to me. I just didn't realise my behaviour and ways of coping with stressful things was completely wrong. I just thought that is how everyone copes and deals with things. Same goes for the whole black and white thing, I never really noticed that's how I look at things, I genuinely thought that there was nothing wrong with it. But now I see after reading the information that it is potentially damaging. I just keep going through like major events that have happened before and thinking was I right to react that way or was I just being irrational. Was I being really horrible to someone for the something that was all in my head? I can't stop thing about it! Thank you for reassuring me about my psych not laughing at me, I'm really trying to stop thinking like that so I can understand the best I can. I am glad I found this forum with others who are bpd! I don't feel quite so alone anymore. Thank you so much I really appreciate it! And thank you for your link! That article really interested me. Also filled me with some hope! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted February 26, 2015 Report Share Posted February 26, 2015 Yes. Hope is very important. It's hard work and there are different therapies that you can explore with your psych. But there is hope especially when one engages in asking the questions that you are already asking. I will also ask you to keep in mind a concept while you reflect on your behaviours and bpd etc: self-compassion. You clearly care, you just didn't know any better. Give your self compassion. You deserve it. I hope that you manage to rest. Hugs and.... hope :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SereiaRoxa Posted February 26, 2015 Report Share Posted February 26, 2015 Hi Car- I like what Kara said about self-compassion. Because it isn't so much that ways you've acted or choices you've made are "wrong" or right (that's black/white thinking) But rather, there may have been more useful ways of acting or responding. You will figure these out more easily if you are able to give yourself a break and be loving towards yourself. I'm so grateful to have found this site- so reassuring to hear from others who can relate to my feelings. Glad you found it, too. Best to you, car! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted February 26, 2015 Report Share Posted February 26, 2015 hiand welcome. I also was scared when i furst was diagnosed with b p d thats how i found this site as i wanted to learn about my disorder as i could and its a constant learning curve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carwreckfrown Posted February 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2015 Thanks guys for your replies and your understanding! Mean a lot. Yeah, it's just hard to be easy on myself for past things and situations as I still feel horrible about it. I think the worst thing about it, Is that I'm second guessing everything. I hope you all are getting on great:). Yeah I agree maddy! The more I read there's another thing I hadn't known! It's definetly a lot to take in! Sereia: thanks for your reply I really appreciated it. I'm glad you found this site too! It has really helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie1986 Posted March 1, 2015 Report Share Posted March 1, 2015 Hi carwreckfrown I was diagnosed with BPD on Thursday so I understand how unnerving it is. I suspected I had it too begin with so it wasn't as much as a shock for me. Everyone with BPD has differences in symptoms so don't beat yourself up. What is one persons reality is completely different for someone else. Your symptoms are not you. Some people live alongside there BPD and lead happy productive lives and some it takes a little longer to get there. It comes down to how it affects you and what support you feel is right for you. 90% of the people here have been diagnosed with some form of personality disorder and everyone will understand the struggle there is when trying to make sense of yourself so you are definetley not alone at all. I know in my experience black and white thinking is a big issue and anger and the impulsiveness around it. It's tough and I second guess myself all the time but I am trying to forgive myself for the guilt attached to how I treat people I genujnley care about because I don't mean to hurt people. Learning to care about other people other than who I choose is probably my biggest challenge because I lost compassion and empathy when my symptoms started to show. That was when I knew something wasn't right. You aren't alone you have likeminded souls here x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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