Palladian An Introduction To Myself

[Palladian]

1. As a child I thought I was different from everyone else and suffered a lot of mental pain. Always I felt paranoid about my abilities to cope with everyday situations and found relationships difficult. When I went to school I was deeply affected by a road accident involving two girls who got run over. I was put up a year and yet felt very insecure about death thinking about it all the time. My brother was put into care when I was 6 because he kept running away and stealing from neighbours.

   Then we moved and I was put back down a year in school. I got bored of my schooling and used to play sick so I didn't have to go.When I did go I did well at what I didn't have to try hard to do, for example; won the reading competition, always got good marks for english essays and got into the semi finals at the school chess competition.At school I didn't make friends easily and was insecure about my relationships with other people feeling no empathy or compassion towards others. Although badly behaved I never really understood why I was being punished. In the end suspension from school for the last two weeks finished me off.

   When it came to secondary school my father tried to teach me at home for a while then the authorities insisted I went to school. Always getting into trouble at school and not understanding why? Drama was the only lesson really enjoyable and the lead role in the summer play was my reward for the effort put in trying to achieve. Despite that and consistently getting good marks for essays my behaviour towards others meant detentions all the time and being put on report. School had become a nightmare for me. Eventually the headmistress asked me to leave because I was disrupting lessons with my outlandish behaviour. I had developed a reverse sleep pattern due to staying up all night on acid, drugs had become a major factor in my life.

   Things got worse when I started to get involved in other criminal activities: such as robbing a local newsagent and ripping people off for drugs. Acid had become an escape from reality and when everyone else was doing their GCSE's I had developed a taste for taking acid on my own during the week. I became very introverted and lost in a world of my own.

   There were a few gangs where I lived and although I never got involved in the violence I was always nearby when they had a fight with rival gangs. The violence was serious they used weapons and I was afraid someone was going to get killed.

   Soon clubbing taking ecstasy dealing drugs and dancing was everything to me. Dancing became a passion something I was good at and made me the centre of attention. When I danced I forgot all about my troubles and was lost in music.

   With no intention of finding a job but always wanting to be educated I found myself drawn to college. Struggling to get up in the morning due to staying up all night on acid I missed most of the weeks lectures. When I did go I found my friends were druggies and ended up going clubbing with them popping pills and dancing all night.

   Eventually I would drop out of college and just sit around all week smoking dope and going clubbing at the weekend. This pattern of enrolling at college dropping out and taking drugs lasted a few years. I had developed signs of mental illness such as paranoid delusions and hearing voices but was in denial about it for a long time.

   Eventually I was admitted into mental hospital with drugs psychosis. I suffered with hallucinations and thought my family were conspiring against me. Grandiose delusions about my self importance and mental suffering was intense. After about 6 weeks of hospitalisation I was discharged. I went straight back to my old ways and was at college taking drugs again but worse cocaine had become the drug of choice. Before to long I was readmitted to hospital and after about a week of isolation I was diagnosed as schizophrenic. My life had fallen apart and the game was up. I could no longer deny it was happening and had to face the fact mental illness meant taking drugs and dancing forever was no longer possible.

   Since then I've been drifting around from town to town reading books in the reference libraries to stay away from drugs.

   I still seem to end up with druggies asking if I want to score whenever I try to make friends.

   The only relief I get from mental suffering is when I'm high. I need help I've tried telling the authorities but they can't do anything. So what should I do? I've definitely got an addictive personality and can't seem to stay away from drugs. Can anyone give me some advice as to who I can turn to for help?

[Data]

I used to think I was different to everyone else as a child also, because I didn't feel like I fitted in, and I had a lot of mental pain also. I also find relationships difficult.

I have also had issues with empathy... until I was in my 20s I was often quite callous towards others.

I am sorry you had to turn to crime and drugs to cope. Personally alcohol is my drug,

It must have been very scary for you when you had a psychosis.

It sounds to me like you might benefit from some sort of talking therapy. Probably the easiest way for you to get help is through drug treatment:

• http://www.talktofrank.com/get-help (mainly for children but it looks like it works for adults also)
• http://www.lifeline.org.uk/looking-for-help/ (has links to a lot of other sources fo help)
• http://www.urban75.com/Drugs/helpline.html

[maddy harper]

hi and welcome.