b0bulat0r Posted March 2, 2015 Report Share Posted March 2, 2015 Hi guys I've realized recently alot of my self loathing and negativity comes from the fact that I am filled with so much regret, I regret every mistake I've ever made, every thing I did which i could have done better, or should have done better, to an unhealthy degree, I even blame myself for things that were not my fault, the chief example of this is that I blame myself for my Grandma's death, my Grandma (on my fathers side) Died when I was five years old, she had a heart attack whilst I was sat on her lap (she was reading me a story) although I didn't cause her heart attack the fact that I was there as a small child meant my auntie and my grandad who were also there wasted time removing me from the situation and calming me down, if I wasn't there perhaps they could have done more to save her, It is doubtful but I have spent my entire life holding myself responsible for it, blaming myself for being there and being underfoot. everything I do wrong, every time I get shouted at, every time I upset someone, every time something fucks up I regret it for the rest of my life, I regret past relationship mistakes, friendship mistakes, work mistakes, I regret not being able to save my friends (I had two who have died from suicides), I regret who I gave my virginity to (that I didn't save it for the right one), I regret the fights I got into at school, how do you turn this off? how do you let it go? I want to accept that these things are in the past and un-changable, I want to be able to look forward rather than back but my mind won't let me, I get the reason why is that my brain is trying to force me to be more careful about what I do in the future, to make me learn for my mistakes, but all it actually does is make me more upset every time I fail, I tell myself "you are useless you've still learnt nothering, you've done it again, when are you going to stop making stupid mistakes, you are such a fuckup" All I do is punish myself so much I look back at my life and any positives or great things i might have done are washed away in a sea of regrets, regret and disappointment, How does everyone else deal with regret? Your advice and input are very valued. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted March 2, 2015 Report Share Posted March 2, 2015 I try not to think about my past as its too painful. Well some bits of it are. I dont do regret. Never have done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bug-error Posted March 2, 2015 Report Share Posted March 2, 2015 I wish I knew what to really tell you Rob. I blame myself for past mistakes i've done and the mistreatment i've gone through. A friend of mine told me that something that helps him is to tell himself the opposite of what he feels. he says doing this for a long time and fighting back against telling yourself horrible things helps. maybe this could help you too? My psych also said that writing down how you feel, without excluding anything, can make it easier to deal with trauma and other things. he said that hte more you write about it, the more manageable it can become. i'm really sorry to hear bout your grandma and that experience. learning to forgive yourself and not internalizing a lot of things is definitely crucial. i really hope you can do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b0bulat0r Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 I try not to think about my past as its too painful. Well some bits of it are. I dont do regret. Never have done. I wish I could just "not do regret" how do you manage that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b0bulat0r Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 I wish I knew what to really tell you Rob. I blame myself for past mistakes i've done and the mistreatment i've gone through. A friend of mine told me that something that helps him is to tell himself the opposite of what he feels. he says doing this for a long time and fighting back against telling yourself horrible things helps. maybe this could help you too? My psych also said that writing down how you feel, without excluding anything, can make it easier to deal with trauma and other things. he said that hte more you write about it, the more manageable it can become. i'm really sorry to hear bout your grandma and that experience. learning to forgive yourself and not internalizing a lot of things is definitely crucial. i really hope you can do it. I find I am the worst judge of myself, people tell me "it wasn't that bad" and I'll say "it was the worst, it was awful, I fucked up so completely", I constantly condemn myself for my mistakes and I internally feel like every little mistake I make is major and every major mistake I make is like the end of the world. I feel i am the person who is the most disappointed with me, I am the one who belittles and shouts at myself far more than anyone else does, don't get me wrong other people blame me when I fuck up as well, but I am always much worse on myself than others are, and when others do chew me out for something I am then Even more hard on myself saying "see you've disapointed this person, god you are such a screw up" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bug-error Posted March 5, 2015 Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 : ( i understand that. mistakes and people i've hurt in the past are still things that haunt me in my nightmares and day in and day out. when you make little mistakes and feel that way that's rly emotionally draining... I guess a good way to start is through baby steps. when you make little mistakes you might automatically think terrible things about yourself, but maybe also telling yourself "it's okay" and "i'll learn from this" are good things to tell yourself too. I found that even when you feel like the world is ending, telling yourself those things can help things numb out a little quicker/better. i feel you >_< if I mess up big time, yes people will be mad at me, but i'm also right beside them telling myself terrible things that are worse than what they say. i don't know if those thoughts + feelings go away for everyone, but like i said, maybe countering them consciously and writing about them can help! idk if you've tried that before that's the best advice i can give you. also talking to someone you trust about these things that can also say positive things to you can help, i've found. if i'm rly mad at myself for doing something and start calling myself trash, useless, etc. if a freind i trust listens and tells me that's not true, and comforts me it can help a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigHeight Posted March 10, 2015 Report Share Posted March 10, 2015 I used to be a lot like you, but I've come to learn that the past is the past, and yes you may make the same mistakes again but that's just life. You can spend hours, days, months worrying about a certain sitiation or you can just move on and let things lie, there's nothing you can change about the past, the only thing you can do is be more careful about your decisions in the future. You also can't blame five year old you for being there when your grandma passed, that's an awful thing to pin on yourself and I'm sure they did everything they had to to get help etc at the time. We all worry and think about things we regret and I also regret a few things you've listed up there but no matter how much we think, we can't change it. We have all made bad decisions, but that's just life and that's were supposed to do. Just remember nobody is perfect. Xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b0bulat0r Posted March 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2015 I think the difficulty is that for me my mistakes are like crimes and I feel like I haven't been punished enough for them, like how if you murdered someone and then got away with it the people would be up in arms about how there was no justice. it feels like i should be punished for every mistake I make, I should serve a sentence or something, I punish myself over my mistakes because I feel so much shame and disappointment over my shortcomings. because we cannot undo the past damage we do to ourselves, each other, the world is permanent it isn't ok to hurt others and then just "learn from it" saying i'm sorry or i won't do it again doesn't undo the damage, it doesn't make you suddenly a better person. i hold on to my regret because i just cant forgive myself, for every time i've fucked my life up I blame myself for ruining my life for every time i've hurt or upset another person i blame myself for bringing pain to that person. how do i forgive when I don't like the person I see in the mirror? if he had become perfect from his mistakes fine maybe I could, but he is still just as broken, just as weak, just as flawed. he hasn't changed, hasn't fixed anything, so why should I forgive him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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