[The Pressure Of A Topic Title Felt Unreasonably High So You Get This Instead.]

[jabberfishie]

Hi, I'm Kat.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna do this or not, but this weekend I'm moving back to where I went to uni to go back to a temp job that I...don't...love (having run away 'home' just before the new year because I had too much of a certain opiate and the clarity that came with withdrawal and chucking up bile made me realise that my situation was ridiculous (amongst other things: girl loves boy a lot for really long time, boy can't love girl --> break up --> FWB [+abandoned by best mate] --> lots of anger --> girl hides in drugs and stops seeing anyone) and I'm a bit scared. That actually sounds so stupid, I realise that's actually a very non-dramatic and probably normal set of events, but when it feels constantly like a piece of you is missing, the world kind of just crumbles as I'm sure you well know and the void that you're left sat in cannot be confronted.

I've never had an actual BPD diagnosis but I've had enough issues with eating, self harm, drugs, acting crazily in the face of abandonment, yoyo'ing moods with the persistent undercurrent of empty existence despite supposedly having a faith, no idea who I am...etc that I'll go ahead and say I have it without the doctor's endorsement. I'm not sure if it's part of the same thing, but I used to think I was independent and fine by myself - hey, I might have been - but now the only escape from the meaninglessness of 'being' is drugs or people. But mostly people. Except I've no idea if it's ok to need people like that? Is that ok? I'm pretty sure it's not ok to go straight back to being crushed by loneliness as soon as the people distraction is over =/ I guess I came on here in search of people who feel similarly, coz like, I love [some of] my friends, but I don't think anyone gets it, not really, not enough. And I can't do the rest of forever this alone.

I hope my scramble of words made some kind of sense.

[bug-error]

Hello and welcome to the forums Kat! I'm new too. I joined for similar reasons - I felt I didn't have anyone other than my therapist to really talk about all the darkness i feel so i came here to...i don't know find comfort? people that feel similarly? vent in a place where others would understand more? so yeah.

I've struggled with bpd for years now. I know how it feels to want to fill the emptiness with external things like people, drugs, things, etc. I'm sorry you've been through that. it's not stupid, you're hurting right now and something is definitely out of place if you depend on people so much to just feel 'ok'. Speaking from experience, using people to feel well isn't good for anyone involved. yourself, and others could be hurt by that. you're not alone, i've only been on these forums for a day or two so i can't say i know anyone well, but it seems like this is a safe place to vent and find some comfort. I wish you all the best <3

[Kara.]

welcome both of you :-)

I'm having insomnia, tired and can't read the full posts, but I wanted to welcome you both.

[bug-error]

thank you karaindrou : ) good luck with your insomnia.

[b0bulat0r]

Hi and welcome to the forum

I have been crushed by bad relationships myself in the past, I have been single for about 7 years now, part of that is the fear of abandonment and rejection and how much breakups hurt, it is hard when you "want to love" and its easy to feel empty without that, it does get easier over time though,

This is a safe place where you can talk and nobody will judge you for it, hopefully time away from your situation in wherever you have moved back to will be good for you

[jabberfishie]

Thank you all =) It's good to know there are people feeling similarly...sort of, obviously wouldn't actually wish this on anyone!

I hope your insomnia leaves you be soon karaindrou =/

[maddy harper]

hi and welcome . Lots of supportive people on here so you have come to the right place for support. Keep posting we here to listen.