helenh Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 i have 2 girls whom i love more than life itself, but i feel i am useless to them. my ex husband does such an amazing job with them and i feel like i am just going through the motions of taking care of them, i get them to school, bathe them, wash and feed them but thats the best i can do. i tried to end it a month a go but someone alerted my ex and he came and took me to hospital. luckily, he is now trying to help. i say almost sadly that i dont cut myself, but i use drugs, mainly cocaine, to attempt to hide the pain and stop crying, now my crutch has become a problem and i now feel awful that i have gotten stuck in this cycle of running off from people and getting high instead of facing my problems. i really feel like i cant come back from this mess i am in. want to run away and hide until i starve of get murdered or hurt. i cannot stand being this faulty, my family deserve so much better than me and i shouldnt be around them. my poor children are going to be scarred by my terrible behavior. people keep telling me that dying wont help as they will suffer even worse than now, and i know it to be true, i just really do wish it wasnt like that and we could just say 'thats it, im done' without causing hurt to anyone else. my bpd episode of drugs and cheating and running away has destroyed everything i love the most and though i want to do everything i can to fix it, like my ex has asked, through therapy, which i am doing, i dont believe in myself enough to believe it will work. 50 mins a week for x amount of time??? where is that going to get me i am so exhausted from being me, i cannot stand myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 can you go to private therapy and increase the number of sessions? sorry t's so hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 hi hellen. I to used drugs to get away from my head in the past but i found that it didnt get me very far and left me skint i was self medicating to fit in as my b p d wasnt in check like it is now with psych meds so i was trying to fix my head on my own and i couldnt do it on my own. So the drug episodes got worse and nearly finnished me off. Glad i am still alive some days but not all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted March 7, 2015 Report Share Posted March 7, 2015 Hi Oh I'm so sorry.. things sound so difficult for you and I can really hear your pain through the words. I too wonder if private therapy may help, with someone like a psychodynamic therapist, for example, who may be able to see you more than once weekly. I think psychoanalysts can see people up to 5 times weekly.. I'm not suggesting that as a solution but just to say that there are therapists who can work more intensively. That's not to say it's easy, and to be honest it may not be a quicker fix either. I'm in psychodynamic therapy and go twice a week.. I'm not sure if it's been any quicker.. but I guess for me it helps because the days between sessions are fewer, so it feels safer for me. Anyway, I am really sorry that you tried to end your life last month. Apart form the therapy, are you receiving any other support? Sounds like your ex is trying to help more now but it sounds like you could do with more support too? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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