I Want To Die *trigger*

[Humblegrub]

Before anyone says it, yes I know the rules. No this isn't a suicide note. It's just my venting my stupid emotional crap. So if I offend anyone with the title and content then I apologise and I'll take it Down straight away.

I'm just sick of it. Ive been getting worse as in More and more down since September. they've changed my.meds and chased my.therapy and continued my physcatris Appointments. But nothing helps. I don't see the point in anything. I had a.month off. work recently as I was extremely impulsive and yea.... I wanted a lot of bad shit to happen to me.I went back in the last week and work has just made it so much worse. But I can't afford any more time.off.sick. I've set myself goals I'm studying for a diploma so I can go down the career.path I want. I'm just genuinely shit scared of myself. I don't want to die, not yet. But it's.Like this morning I woke up and I don't see the point. I don't care and I don't see. the point. I want it to end. And yes ve5e told my physcatrist this who first asked me how serious shouldand then once I'd said I don't waby. to dimade9e out that if I don't see the point and I don't Ever see anything helping me or changing things that there would be no.point in doing the therapy I'm waiting for , I've waited over a year to get onto it so there's no way I'm going to let some Dr try and get me .off of it. He just didn't get it. Nor.my.bed so understanding but he doesn't get it. And yea I know if I feel suicidal get to a hospital..... Why? What's the God damn point. All they'll do is either stitch me.up and medicate me. Then put me inline to see the physcatrist I'm already fucking seeing. Well I ha've emergency medication at home to knock myself out, I already see my.physcatrist and I'm good with after care.of self harm ( this is just how I feel ok? If you feel suicidal go get.help, I'm unwell I realise this. But From.anything suicidal thoughts to self harm, go to the hospital, I'm just venting because I'm.Fed up)

Anyway so I woke.up this.morning and those evil thoughts are in my head, they just continuely haunt me. And the sick part is that its.addictive.

[Data]

Hi Humblegrub. The title doesn't upset me at all but it does make me worry for you. I don't think your emotions are stupid at all.

I am sorry that nothing is helping you. Meds are ok for keeping you under control. I am very pleased they are chasing therapy for you though, as this might help you gain insight and make changes.

Well done for studying for your diploma.

Is there anything you can do to distract from these thoughts? The trick is to be mindful, not to worry about yesterday or tomorrow but concentrate on making NOW better. I find music and watching things on youtube helpful, also playing scrabble on my computer or going for a walk. But we are all different.

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad.

[bug-error]

I'm really sorry to hear nothing is working, humblegrub. I'm in a similar boat. I've been going to therapy and taking medication for four years now and i'm in one of the lowest points in my life. No work, no school, still feeling suicidal and hopeless, and nothing seems to get better. I really hope you can continue with school <3 jobs suck and it's terrible we need to work to have our basic needs met, even when we really can't. Like Data said, medication and treatment can help keep you from crossing over the edge, but for some, treatment and medication is not enough unfortunately...or it may take a looong time to start feeling like you're a little better. in regards to hospitals, even tho i'm very suicidal and keep doing irreversible harm to my body in various ways, since I live in the U.S. I can't go even if i wanted to because of money reasons (and the last hospital i went to i was stressed and didn't feel good there.)

i really hope you can get the treatment you've been waiting for (i think that's what you meant) and that you can keep moving forward with your goals and aspirations. this may not be much comfort, but if we keep living there is a chance that we can feel better. i definitely don't believe in the "it gets better" line all the time but there is a chance things will be okay for you.

if venting and talking about things helps please go ahead and keep doing so! i hope i wasn't out of line in my reply to you. take care <3

[Humblegrub]

It just never ends. Why does it never end. I went to sleep last night thinking positily about today. planning it out. And then I wake up. And it hurts how much I wa t to tear.myself.apart. why? Why the Fuck do I wa t to destroy myself?

[bug-error]

I wish I knew why I know how that feels. keep hanging on Humblegrub, especially if you're gonna get the treatment you've been waiting for soon.