BPDBarbie Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 hello everyone I'm on here writing because I'm very confused. I am at the beginning road of finding some sort of way to cope with this disorder, honestly I'm afraid because i feel like it marks me as crazy. In brief i will say i am someone whom i believe prduced this disorder from past experiences with my mother. Being a daughter of a drug addict and a father i never met, i have had to deall with people leaving me. The only person who hasn't left my side is my grandmother whom i now see as my mother. my problem with my grandmother is that my constant mood swing lead me to be utterly disrespectful and I'm sick and tired of the way i am being. I want to change, and be loving but at times it is just so hard. Also i have a boyfriend with whom i have been with for a month and is the sweetest man and he cares about me so, but i can't help but feel like he will leave. The fear is crucial i figured this may be because out of the countless boyfriends i have had from the domestic abuse to the men who have stolen from me or cheated i can't help but feel like something is going to happen. My anger is this huge huge thing that is ruining my life i go from 1 to 100 in second and i just dont want to push him away through my anger and emotional acts. He already says to me that it is always something, and i can't help but feel like if i do one little thing wrong he will leave me. I already feel completely in love with this man, and i just don't want to cause his departure. he knows i have bpd and is actually going with me to my next therapy appt and I'm completely shocked. this man could be the thing i have wanted my whole life. Am i wrong to feel like i could be overwhelming him? am i taking my amount of worry to far? i guess I'm just looking to see if anyone else struggles in any of these ways and what helped them? also im tryign to do DBT and i heard very good things about it my therapist believes that it will help me exctensivly.... sorry if i ranted n raved.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bug-error Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Hello! it's okay to rant : ) you were giving us background info after all. I have struggled with bpd for years and get how you feel. Being okay one second and suddenly snapping + getting upset can be shocking and hard to deal with later (if you've been disrespectful to someone, said something that was hurtful, etc.) I believe you can change and be loving, especially because you seem to be self-aware of your feelings, have given things thought, and want to change. I'm glad your boyfriend is very supportive. From my own experience with relationships and mental health struggles, I would say be careful not to overwhelm him with those feelings of love. does you knwo if he feels the same way about you? (like he's found the person he's been wanting his whole life, etc.) it can be easy to definitely be a lot more invested in a relationship than the other person is. your worry as someone who has bpd and been through traumatic experiences isn't your fault. I'm struggling with my own life and i'm not even at a point where i can say "i want to change" for many reasons so idk if i can give the best advice, especially because of so many relationships where my worst fears came true. BUT i would say communication is key. I think its' wonderful that your boyfriend wants to be supportive. if he doesn't know much about bpd, finding out more about it would definitely help him understand how you think and feel. I would give more advice but I'm not feeling too well and my head feels cloudy and I feel disconnected to things, so i hope someone else can say more + give more advice. Good luck I hope you have a nice day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b0bulat0r Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Hiya welcome to the forum with regards to your boyfriend I think people like us get very heavily invested into relationships, a month isn't really a very long time and I have been known to rush relationships in the past where I am in love with that person and they are like whoa we've only just started dating, it is difficult if you are that sort of person who feels your emotions pull you much heavier than other people, its great he wants to support and go to therapy with you, I hope it helps you to do that, in terms of the anger I have had anger issues for years, I find it helps to identify what triggers your anger and what calms you, being mindful of those triggers and either avoiding them or finding ways to counter them, Having safe places where you can go and things you can do to relax you helps, for example I get angry at my colleagues at work and then I go and sit in my office with my headphones on and I calm down because I am in a safe place and am doing something that relaxes myself, by removing myself from the situation Before I explode. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted March 5, 2015 Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 hi barby so sorry you had all these issues growing up. I to had a mum who was and is mentally ill but has managed to keep her self away from the system. How she has done that i dont know. i also never new my dad. Your not alone. I too have anger issues and have hit out at people as the autisum got in the way and i couldnt talk so i hit out. Lucky i never got arrested. welcome to the forums by the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BPDBarbie Posted March 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2015 Thank you all for your responses it raises my spirit to know I'm not alone. When tough times come it is releasing to hear the things you have to say. as i read these i felt a sense of relief. actually asked him if he would ever leave me because i did one thing wrong and he told me i was wrong to think that so that was very relieving. as far as how he feels about me i asked him nd he said that its to early to tell if i am the one but that he likes me and cares about me exctensivly. this did slightly hurt but i had to understand that not everyone moves at my pace. So i dealt with that well. He also did say that he is making sacarafices for me because he cares by moving in when his original plan was to move back home to southern cali. so i took that act as his way of showing he cares and may possibly love me. so all is looking to be well ! thank you guys so much! love borderline barbie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bug-error Posted March 9, 2015 Report Share Posted March 9, 2015 You are definitely not alone ! If posting on these forums helps then i encourage it. i know they helped me a lot when i went through a messy breakup last week. I'm glad your boyfriend was understanding. His actions are encouraging since actions speak louder than words. I'm proud of you for being able to handle well his reply about you. When my second ex and I broke up and I read more on bpd, I was shocked to hear not many people felt "in love" and like they'd found the right one shortly after meeting + dating the person they love. It's something I try to keep in mind a lot when meeting new people now (friends, etc.) I hope you are well take care <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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