Mandie731 Posted March 14, 2015 Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 Hi everyone. My name is Mandy and I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which I am trying to come to terms with. I always knew there was something 'extreme' with my emotions. For me, my symptoms get worse when I am in a relationship. I just end up feeling so insecure and unable to cope with the intimacy, even though I really want it. And then I get scared that they will leave me, so I end up pushing them away. I know I am doing it but I can't seem to help it! Does that happen to other people too? I just single handedly ruined the best relationship I have ever had. And now I just feel so guilty and ashamed. It seems to be a vicious circle. I have got an appointment with my dr next week to discuss treatments, but not sure what the best treatment would be. Does anyone have any tips or recommendations on how to deal with this? It's all so new to me. I think I just feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BB4 Posted March 14, 2015 Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 Hi Mandie, I've just been diagnosed with BPD too, it is a lot to take in. Can't help with treatments as I've now been referred to the team that will help with all of that. Just wanted to say hello BB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubbles.. Posted March 14, 2015 Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 Welcome to the forum Mandy, I did a lot of reading on BPD when I was first diagnosed, Maybe a good book on BPD will help you understand more. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandie731 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 Hi BB and Bubbles thanks for your replies ☺️ It's a bit frightening when they talk about taking medication. I have been googling what the best ones are but they all seem to have less than desirable side effects. I think a good book on BDP would be really helpful. It's good to really understand what we are up against! Xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratherin Posted March 14, 2015 Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 Hey Mandie welcome to the forum! I have BPD, but I didn't want to go on medication, i'm currently in a therapy called MBT, which seems to be helping so far, you don't have to take medication if you don't want to, hope you are having a good day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandie731 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 Hi Ratherin, thanks for the message. my psychiatrist mentioned MBT being very effective, and I am really keen to start this. Although I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's comforting to know that you are not alone. I am glad I found this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratherin Posted March 14, 2015 Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 I hope you can start it soon :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helenh Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hi Mandie I was diagnosed in november, though i suspected it for a long time. I just also destroyed my marriage and family due to thinking my husband was too good for me, that i was not worth the life we had, or a good mother. my black and white mind turned tables on me and he became the worst person in the world and i said the worst things to him. then i ran away. i am now divorced, see my kids 1 week on and 1 week off. have tried to commit suicide and turned to drugs as a crutch which they just arent. that was the worst of it, i am now in councelling, have help from my local CMHT and am finding ways to cope most of the time. bpd is really hard to cope with, i was put on quetiapine, an anti-psychotic to help with racing thoughts, anger and lack of sleep, but it just knocks me out too much and i have to get up for my kids. so i just take citalopram now. meds dont really help to control it. i know its a really scary diagnoses and the fact that there are no real medicinal cures makes it even more terrifying. the way to get through it and find ways to cope with those overwhelming emotions and regular jumps from up and down is therapy, coping skills and learning to know your triggers and limits. I hope you find the help through your doctor and begin the road to recovery. Best wishes h Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 hi there. I also have bpd which i am medicated for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandie731 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hi Helen, thanks so much for your advice. So sorry to hear about your divorce. I think I definitely need to learn coping skills as every time something goes wrong in my life it's like I have a breakdown. Sometimes it could be really minor things too. And I now know my triggers (insecurity in relationships). I have a friend who has told me to call her when I get these racing thoughts and anger so she can talk some sense into me, so I am hoping that helps.. Does anyone use the support on this website? I am thinking of it as it looks really reasonable, but it doesn't say the timings that the support workers and social workers are available. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie1986 Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hi Mandie, I was diagnosed with BPD on the 26th of last month so about 3 weeks ago. I thought a diagnosis would help because i could fight what was wrong but I am struggling to come to terms with it myself. I accept it but it's tough to get my head around. Like you I've always been extreme and he psychiatrist i saw who diagnosed me said being in a relationship even a healthy one which mine is magnifies the fact that the person isn't leaving you and meeting the BPD expectations you're brain creates which then sets off the anger response and thus the vicious cycle continues. I feel like I'm ruining what I have with my partner because I constantly seek reassurance and get very easily offended and angry when I don't get it or she makes what she thinks is a joke but I don't find it funny and launch at how selfish and insensitive she is when in reality I know deep down its me. The psychiatrist told me there are no specific medications for BPD but a mental health worker suggested a mood stabiliser to try and curb the impulse and anger enough to recognise it as a maladaptive thought or behaviour. I'm now on depakote on a really low dose. I've only been taking it 9 days and all I feel is more tired although I seem to be sleeping a little better even though I'm having a lot of strange dreams. I have been refered to MBT and as much as I want it I'm dreading it. It's 18 months long 2 days a week and I work 5/7 days a weeks so my two days off are spent in therapy which puts me off massively because I feel like I'll never see my partner. She's supportive though and said what's 18 months out the rest of our lives but I can't believe she won't leave me and it frightens me. I will do it and I will stay committed but it's a massive fear. You are not alone Mandie. Ive found these forums help. Being able to sound off on here and display my anger in a less harmful way helps me manage myself better sometimes which is better than no times. Defintley speak to your doctor on getting support. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandie731 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hi Charlie, thanks for your message. I know how you feel with accepting it. I can't and thought I would feel relief once I got a diagnosis, but I actually feel worse. I am exactly the same in relationships. It's so exhausting and I find them so stressful. But then I get lonely when I am single and hate the thought of being alone. Your partner sounds great and so supportive. I have nearly won back my ex after weeks of begging and grovelling. I really love him and want things to work so much. But I am worried I am going to mess it up again and will live in constant fear that I will lose him. Thanks for your support. It's good to know you I am not alone. I hope the MBT goes well for you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 Hey there Mandie and welcome to the forums I was dx with bpd 11 years ago now and the best things that have helped me were to get some support from others who understand me which here is great for, so many lovely people I have had psychotherapy on and off for years which has helped me to learn more about myself, how I react to things etc and it has helped me to lead a better life. Medication - Personally for me a good anti depressant and a mood stabiliser helps me to feel a lot more in control of myself and my emotions. Good books on bpd. Also remember that bpd doesn't define who you are! It is just one part of you. Try to still be you, to do things that you love etc. It will sink in with time. It can get better. Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandie731 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2015 Hi Angel Tears (love the name by the way). Thanks for your message. I hope it starts to get better. I was hospitalised last night as I was worried I was going to kill myself. Everything just feels so intense at the moment, I don't want to feel anything anymore. The psychiatrist at the hospital was very helpful and I am seeing my doctor tomorrow. But I am finding it hard to see any kind of future at the moment Reading messages like yours helps as I can see that other people have survived this and are able to live normal lives xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bug-error Posted March 19, 2015 Report Share Posted March 19, 2015 Hi Mandie and welcome to the forums! I was diagnosed with bpd a year ago and when I found out more information about it I realized it's something I've had/started developing ever since I was a child. All my past relationships have either been really bad or ended terribly.... I have a tendency to push people away when I fear I have hurt them/annoyed them but I also cling and grow dependent on friends and others even tho I consciously tell myself not to. It's tough, really. It is. But the more you find out about yourself, and the things you struggle with (bpd in this case), it becomes a little easier to manage and understand what's going on and why. I've been going to therapy and taking medication for the past 4 years and i know if it wasn't for this and having supportive people around me, I might not be here right now. Who knows where i'd be or what would have happened to me.Like someone already said, reading is a good place to start off on. find good websites and/or books with info on bpd. and not websites that paint all people with bpd as monsters and abusers. Medication can be scary and you definitely don't have to take anything you odn't want to, but i found that it can help. Medication helps me keep my depression, anxiety, anger, mood swings, dysphoria, etc. in a little more check. I'm currently on 4 medications (adderall for my ADHD, hydroxizine for anxiety, citalopram for depression, and seroquel as a mood stabilizer) and my advice to you if you start on any is that you keep an eye out on your health (weight, heart rate, appetite, etc.) while taking it. Something that has really helped me is to keep a journal and write about all the bad things i think and feel when they happen. I also use a journal to track my weight and appetite just in case. Writing down what you feel and what caused it can be really helpful in understanding what hurts you and how you react to things. It can help as you learn more about bpd. Also it can help with memory! I struggle with long bouts of dissociation which cause me to forget what i've done for days and writing about things can help with that too.I'm sorry for hte long response : ) I really hope you are well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted March 21, 2015 Report Share Posted March 21, 2015 Welcome...Sorry that things are hard, but I hope you get the help you need. I'm on duloxetine for depression, lamictal and lithium as mood stabilisers, chlorpromazine as an antipsychotic, diazepam for anxiety and two pain killers for good measure. It's a bit of a cocktail, and it's taken a long time to get the right combination, but it's worth it, as was fitting my fear of taking 'mental' drugs.Take care xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandie731 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2015 Hi Bug-Error and Lapwing thanks for your messages and advice. I went to see my GP and they are urgently referring me to the mental health team where I can sort out medication and treatment. I am already on anti-depressants which do help sometimes but I think I need to be on a mood stabiliser. I have been doing a lot of research and Lamictal seems to be the most effective as well as having the least side effects, so I am going to request to try that one first. It's starting to sink in now and I am being a bit more proactive. I have ordered a book on BDP and have given up alcohol and caffeine for the time being. I just want to get better now xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 well done and good luck with the next stage... you're doing really well in being proactive.... keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bug-error Posted April 16, 2015 Report Share Posted April 16, 2015 I'm so glad and proud of you Mandy! I apologize for the late reply, I haven't been on much due to some difficulties in health (physical and mental+emotional), but I really hope you're still doing well now. Being able to say you want to get better and taking steps towards it is great and takes a lot of strength and courage : ) I wish you all the best <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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