How Crazy Does Crazy Feel!

[Charlie1986]

So in 7 days time well more like 6 now I will be going on holiday to Amsterdam. I am excited and dreading it all at the same time.

I spoke to my mum and my grandma before just in general chit chat and my grandma has decided to give me money for my holiday. I would never ask and never expect it because she isn't like that. She's the most kind hearted and loving woman anyway and I've always loved her but she doesn't need to use money to show it and never has. I of course told her no it was a lovely thought and I appreciated it but no. I didn't win because you never win with my grandma. She's my last grandparent and yeah.

It was a nice surprise and lovely gesture because she put £50 in my account which is a lot of money to just give away so it's left me a bit in awe but my brain is convincing me that she's giving me money because something bad is going to happen and I can't shake it and I hate it.

My partner is at a gig tonight in Manchester 40 miles away and I can't shake a bad feeling about that either. My anxiety is through the roof and my body has gone I to spasm. I don't know where this new wave of worry has come from. I always get anxious insocial situations but now Im on another planet for no reason.

My brain has no where to go. I feel like I dunno. This is a familiar and I can't stand the thought she might leave me yet. Death happens I know but I'm convinced she's going to go and she's trying to say goodbye because it's so out of character and I hate it. I hate that I feel this scared without any proof that's the case.

I can't lose anyone else.

[angel tears]

((((Charlie)))) how are you now?. It sounds like your anxiety/panic is way too high... Have you had many panic attacks before?. It can make us feel crazy, it can give us feelings of dread but really it is the anxiety talking. Can you do some stuff to calm yourself down?. Read a book... Take a bath... Meditate....light candles etc. I bet your grandma is just trying to give you a nice time hun. I really wouldn't worry about it. Do you get any help with how you feel?. Anxiety can make our thoughts race, our hearts pound but we can get help for it. Talking helps to xx

[Charlie1986]

Hi angel,

I'm calmer now but still can't shake the feeling. My partner made it back safe but is in a foul mood today and I don't know why. We had a spat before because I couldn't explain what I think when my impulses happen. She doesn't understand what BPD does to me and I can't explain properly.

My grandma told me off for not wanting to accept it so I've done as I'm told and said thankyou and took the gesture.

I think I suffer with anxiety more than I let people know. Since being a teenager my body spasms out of control when I'm having an attack and it's exhausting because I can't bring it back until I tire out. It's not one of my main issues so I tend to forget the affect it has on me.

Today I've been In so much pain I stood in work this morning and cried becaus standing up hurt to the point I thought my legs would give way. I was on the till so couldn't even sit down. I've been getting shooting pains in my back and muscle weakness in my hands and legs.

I managed to get a doctors appointment for this afternoon and leave work earlier to go and he's given me Naxoprene which he is worried about because I suffer with acid reflux and it can make it worse and amytriptaline to try and stop the nerve pain if there is any. Once again though they can't find a problem with back and I'm starting to get frustrated because it hurts so much at the minute. My chest my neck my shoulders my knees my legs and my wrists are always aching. This pain is taking its toll.

I've agree to these two drugs one that can really damage my stomach and one that is an anti depressant with pain healing properties at a low does. I'm convinced he's got me on the amytriptaline to trick me into taking and anti depressant.

I now take 4 different drugs a day to try and get well. I just want to be well. It's a good job i bought a pre payment certificate. In the last month I've spent £33 on scripts if I'd payed individually.