In hospital, scared and confused - may be upsetting

[MischaD]

Hi

I have had a terrible week. Such a long story but basically I am convinced people are out to get me. My husband and his family and also some friends I believe hate me and want rid of me. They are trying to get me to do bad things so I will lose my children and have nothing. Everyone denies this and says I am paranoid. I feel I can read the thoughts of other people and hear what they are saying e.g. 'You evil bitch, kill yourself'. 

I had an argument with my husband on Tuesday, he went to get my medication and when he gave me it I believed he was thinking 'go and kill yourself'. I ran upstairs, starting cutting and then took my week's medication. I don't really know much of what happened next but by chance I got a call from the first crisis team that I had been speaking to the day before, I must have told them what happened and then the next thing I know I woke up in hospital. 

The next day I was 'assessed' by the psychiatrists who said I should go home to rest and the home treatment team would be out the next day. I was told 'psychiatric hospital admission is not the real world'. They didn't ask me if I felt safe going home and I felt I was being laughed at. 

I lasted probably less than an hour in the house and had overdosed again. I was found an hour or so later and ended up back in hospital and was on a drip to try and reduce damage to my organs. I was told that psych would come and see me yday but they didn't. Apparently they are coming at 11 today. If they try to send me home I don't know what I'll do. My family have said that they are refusing to take me home as they don't think I'm safe. 

I've been asked before if I hear voices. I find this question confusing. I feel I can read people's minds and it is a really strong feeling like I know it's true - though people tell me that's nonsense and get mad with me. Sometimes when I'm really distressed I can hear a witch cackling in my head, I can even see her face in the top right of my head. She laughs at me and tells me others are laughing at me. Is this hearing voices or is it my imagination? I'm so confused and scared about what will happen. 

If you have any advice then I would be so grateful. Thanks. 

[Kara.]

Mischa I'm so sorry that you are going through such hard times. Unfortunately treatment for PDs needs to be developed and highly improved. Meanwhile sufferers go through insufficient and inappropriate care. 

Regarding your question, the way I see it is that you may experience some symptoms as the ones psych are trying to figure out. Listening to voices or having the sort of experience that you are having in which you see, hear, think to know what people are thinking and believe that people are after you (paranoid) are, as far as I understand, part of a similar type of experience that is worth telling the professionals. They are probably trying to figure adequate medication and trying to understand your late ODs. I think that you would benefit from telling professionals what you wrote here. The witch and all of it.

I think that you hear the voices in your mind. Some people hear voices coming from outside of themselves. Both are not real but felt to be real. 

It sounds so hard but I hope that you get the treatment that is adequate for you. HUgs Mischa and good luck with recovery.

[bluemoon5]

hugs xx

[jenny1471]

Hi

Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I hope your meeting today went ok and that you are safe. It might be worth explaining here about your thoughts etc. to the crisis/psych team... it might help them to understand and help you.

I do hope that you are ok and getting the help and support that you need

Jenny

[Carthraziel]

Hello MishaD
I would firstly like to say many hugs to you! And that I am glad you are not dead and are posting here to ask for help. I don’t know if what I can offer you is helpful but I will share anyway.

I have very similar experiences to what you describe, but I have also had a whole load of therapy and have come to a more grounded view of what happens.
I believe the question “do you hear voices?” is misleading. When asked this everyone would quickly say ‘no’ but this depends on how you interpret the question. It could be referring to voices not belonging to you coming from outside your head, or inside your head. The question does not specify whether you know the voice is coming from you or not, it does not specify the content of what the voices talk about. This is what is confusing because essentially everyone ‘hears voices’ regular normal people have arguments with themselves all the time about whether to do something or not, whether to eat a chocolate bar or buy something they might not need:
“I want get this top, it’s a gorgeous colour.”
“Yer but I can’t really afford it.”
“But I’ll probably never find another top like this, I should buy it now while I have the chance.”
“Helloo... your bank account will not be happy about this.”
“Also what makes you think you deserve it? Shouldn’t you save your money for something more worthwhile?”
“Just buy the top. When was the last time I properly treated myself?”
“You are going to feel so guilty when you walk past that homeless person on your way back knowing you’ve just spent £25 on a t-shirt.”
“Maybe I should give the money I would spend on the top to the homless person...”
“Don’t be stupid, buy the top and give the homeless person £5”
“I cannot afford this.”
*Goes away from this without a t-shirt whilst feeling guilty and stupid*

Maybe this was a poor example but it is an example of how a normal person has multiple voices in their heads, each with its own opinion and strength enough to power a person’s actions one way or another. So basically everyone hears voices.

When you talk about believing you know other peoples thoughts about you, my therapist said to me that this is a form of mental projection. It is where you project your feelings about yourself onto others so that instead of hating yourself you believe others hate you. But it is really important to recognise that regardless of what your mind is telling you, the thought you are having is coming from yourself. It is also vitally important to remember that it may or may not be true, instead of taking it as true every time. For example when I told a friend of mine that I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship and had experienced rape I had voices in my head saying “They think you’re stupid.” “They think you got yourself into the relationship so you deserve it.” “How could anyone who does this to themselves be ok about living?” I believed they wanted me dead too but really these feelings came from within because I could not forgive myself for letting it happen. When I was repeatedly told that no one blamed me or thought I deserved it, that it was not my fault, not even slightly and I should not be angry with myself, I actually felt worse. Because I became unable to project these feelings onto other people I had to confront that I actually believed these things about myself and I was on the verge of attempting suicide again. Somehow I didn’t.... I don’t really know how but my point is that this ‘mind reading’ is actually coming from you not the people around you. As  humans we are also programmed to look for information that confirms what we already know, it’s called confirmation bias and it is an actual thing that can be studied in psychology. But how it works is once you’ve made your mind up about something you only pay attention to information which adds to it, and you dismiss or forget anything that goes against it. So once you’ve decided other people wish you were dead, you start to take every action they make towards you as a confirmation of this even if it’s not objectively true. All humans do this naturally, it’s not a specific fault of BPD’s but I’m just explaining how to comes into play in your scenario.

As for the witch cackling and laughing. I have a similar experience, there is a voice which turns up and it screams just screams and screams continuously, sometimes it lowers into a kind of whimper and other times it is the sort of screaming you’d expect from someone who’s been set on fire.  Sometimes it’s not screaming it laughs manically like someone who has gone totally insane and is about to do something dangerous but no one can stop them. I have no control over these mental happenings apart from how I relate to them. I don’t really know what makes them start or stop just that they come and go of their own accord. Through mindfulness, which teaches you to approach a problem rather than suppress it, I have learnt to ask the voice what it’s laughing about or what is making it so distressed. This doesn’t make anything stop, but sometimes I get an emotional response back as if from another person, sometimes it’s as if they acknowledge me but carry on anyway, sometimes, but not often, I get a clearer response back. It’s usually an image or a sensation rather than words because these voices belong to a primal part of you that doesn’t understand language. I use them as a warning sign now, I know that when they appear I need to change something, but I think with you they may be a way into deeper problems, you could discuss them with a therapist of psychiatrist.

Technically speaking everything that happens in your head is your imagination, even hallucinations are imaginary. What you are experiencing is real and not imaginary... but this is where it starts to get confusing so don’t be afraid to explain what is happening in your head to a psychiatrist. They are there to help, they train for like 10 years and more to get that job so it must be something they really want to do and they really want to help you and understand what’s happening.

These are all the words I have for you right now. Stay safe, and alive.

~ Carthraziel

[MischaD]

Thank you all so much for your responses, I've had an eventful day and am too exhausted to write much but will reply properly in the morning. So many helpful words and hugs, it means so much.  

The good news is that I am here, alive and now safe in a psychiatric hospital! Speak tomorrow

[Kara.]

SLeep well. HUgs. 

[Lapwing]

Hi,

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now... hospital is a funny place, safe and yet (for me anyone) not much fun after a while. (Sorry, I may be jaundiced, I've spent a lot of time in recently, and on sections....) I hope it helps you, and helps you get the treatment you need.

The advice I'd give you is to just be honest, and tell them everything... the fact that you're aware there's a need for help is a positive

xx

[MischaD]

Well I survived my first day in the new hospital. 

Karaindrou - you are so right that knowledge of and treatment of PD does need to be improved. One of the psych nurses saw my DBT manual lying in my room today and was asking where I got the idea to do that as if she'd never heard of it before and I was just doing it myself without a psych. She was a nice person but I was very surprised at her lack of knowledge. You are also right that I just need to explain what I'm experiencing and how it is impacting on me. 

Blue moon - thanks for the hugs! 

Jenny - thanks also, I will just explain it as I have here and I suppose it's their job to decide what's next.

Carthraziel - thanks for taking the time to give such a detailed response, it has made a lot of sense and been really helpful. I think the next time I get asked the question 'do you hear voices?' I will just say that I find that misleading and ask them what exactly does that mean. The mental projection and confirmation bias make a lot of sense! I am like a detective looking for clues to confirm my negative thoughts, then when I do, any form of emotional regulation goes out the window! You're right, 10 years of training and daily experience must mean something. I'll just tell them everything that I've told you guys. 

Lapwing - thanks, yeah I need to make the most of what I can while there and not rush out like I did the last time. I missed my kids so much that I probably left too early but this time I need to just go for it and make the most of the help available!

Lots of love to you all and thanks so much for taking the time to respond. Xxx

[Carthraziel]

Much hugs for you MishaD

[Lapwing]

sounds like you've got a really positive approach to this situation - keeping fighting to get the help you need, and to get better - I'm so sure you will xx

[MischaD]

Thanks for the support guys! Xxx