Exhausting

[Charlie1986]

Hi guys,

As the title says I'm thoroughly exhausted. I have just gotten back from holiday last night and I've come back with a cold and a bad stomach. I'm hating life at the moment. I tried really hard to not be crazy on holiday to control my BPD and be levelled but I feel like I set myself up for a fail. I had two days were I didn't take my medication because I couldn't take them through customs without its being dodgy. I was supposed to get a letter from the doctor but I refuse to pay £15 for them to tell the airport I need this medication. I'm not even sure it's working if I'm honest but I think coming off it for the couple of days didn't help. I took my does early the day I went at the airport so I wouldn't miss that day and then took all my mess when I got back last night to get them back in my system.

We went to Amsterdam and for the first two days I was having a great time for the most part. I lost the plot at one point because my girlfriend lost some tickets that cost like €20 each within 20 minutes of buying them so I flared up at her all while trying to calm down and it didn't end well. I managed to calm myself down after like half an hour and we walked back and by some miracle found them on the floor blowing about near a canal after being at the other place were we realised they were lost for like an hour. 

I have never been abroad as an adult and have only been to Spain once when I was 9 so don't really remember it so this is like my first holiday. I discconected from reality on the flight like when we got high up I went really calm and something about being in the air 30000 feet in the air at sunset realxed me but in a bad way. It was like I felt like I'd disssapeared and it was freeing and I realise now it's because I was content in not being here. I'm not sue how I feel about it. I feel like I'm constantly flirting with death as an idea. It would just be final and all this crap would stop.

We came home yesterday night after spending the day in the city and I've never encountered such rude horrible people. I didn't notice it when we were doing stuff but because it was a less hectic day yesterday I noticed everything. I got scowled at and tutted at like I was scum. Someone laughed at me and my partner and literally it was horrible. We are heavier than most people in the city because they are all fit for riding bikes and they literally judged us with every sneer. I felt awful and honestly I've come back and I really feel like stopping eating and dissapearing. I nearly punched one woman and my girlfriend had to calm me down yet again.

i got pissed off at my girlfriend because she wore shoes that were new and after one day she couldn't walk because of blisters on her feet and I feel like it ruined the holiday because we had to stop every 5 minutes why she sat down so I got pissed off with her.

i feel like my mood is so out of control that it's poisoning everything. I just wish my brain would stop.

' alt='' class='ipsImage' >

' alt='' class='ipsImage' >

[Data]

I am quite large also and I've had hurtful comments from other people.  I am sorry you have experienced this.

 

If you go abroad again, I think you should pay the £15 and take the medication.  Otherwise it might not work very well if you take breaks.  Also, if you are ill outside of the UK, do you have travel insurance?

 

I hope this hasn't put you off travelling, because if thats what you want you and your partner could have some good holidays in the future, you just have to plan properly and be aware of your triggers.