anxiety and travelling

[addy2]

I could cry, I took the kids to the beach a two hour drive, I cant drive it my partner has too, my anxiety was so bad all the way there I couldn't even stand them talking too me. So we got there it was ok, then we left the beach and drove to a seaside town and another beach still anxious but ok, then when leaving I got really dizzy and I couldn't breathe I thought i was going to pass out. I thought ok what the hell I panicked and he was driving and I wanted out he pulled over to a shop to get money I wanted out but couldn't focus then I started to shake and then realised it was a panic attack, does it sound like a panic attack? Then I cried it was a long journey home I was so scared. I hate this I want a life but it never gets easier and those who say it does are wrong, 20yrs I've had this and its worse now than ever. What am I doing wrong? Its so frustrating now I'm sitting at home shaking been home hours now I don't know why I bother!

[Kara.]

It sounds so stressful addy. I understand that you might feel desperate wanting to enjoy life a little and not feeling able to. Was there any bit that was ok? Can I ask, what makes you anxious? Is it being in the car, outside of home, being dependent on the driver, not having enough space, or having too much space... ...?

I don't know what is the progression of PTSD addy. I want to believe that changes, even if small are possible and a step forward in the person's healing. You have had good experiences recently with people wanting to be with you and appreciating you. Hopefully this has been registered somewhere in you. Bit by bit, better experiences can make, even is a small difference then, ok. Can make a small difference. 

I hope that you can rest tonight addy.

[addy2]

I feel trapped in a car I need out and then I panic being away from home its not safe to be away from home when I panic I need an escape and my escape is home and being so far away makes me more anxious. I tried to do the cbt I had been taught to challenge the thinking but it doesn't work I don't know what I'm doing wrong? I kept telling myself that I'm safe I'm with my kids its ok and I don't need to escape that I'm not in danger that I'm just in a car going to the beach, so the entire time I was so anxious then I said stop at a shop and I get so anxious getting out and walking I feel like I'm floating so I try to ground myself. The beach was ok but I could feel the panic building and at one time my partner went to the toilet and I was so anxious just waiting on him, like seriously why? I kept going kept telling myself its ok but it wasn't I was so scared when I panicked and i know I wont want to go back and I know that's what makes it worse but I'm fighting a loosing battle. Tonight I'm shaky and agitated I'm shouldn't I'm at home it's ok but I'm always wanting to escape, even at traffic lights I need out. I also have a pain in my right side near my ribs which is achy which worries me as I had a blood clot there 7yrs ago but I know my gp will say my lungs are clear. I thought we would never get home and I have a hosp appt next Monday which is over an hour away how will I ever. I've tried hugging things, distraction, looking around, music, talking everything but still I'm so scared. Is it possible I'm still trying to escape from what happened? But I know I'm safer now it shouldn't be xx

 

[Lily-Bee]

Ahh how horrible.

I dont think its hopeless, I think you simply havent been given the right tools yet to be able to handle this.

I am so proud of you for going and trying and trying CBT!!! Cbt doesnt work for a lot of people though. Didnt work for me either.

If I may suggest something that changed my life in a positive way, ACT, thats a kind of therapy and you can get a book called ACT for trauma. You might want to give that a read and see if that way of dealing helps you. It is very different from CBT and it gives very concrete ways of how to deal when such things happen.

I really hope youll give it a try.

[Kara.]

Maybe addy. You described situations that make you feel you have no control over. It really a no-winning situation because then you know that you will get panicky, which may make you feel even more panicky. 

I have a book on ACT but for interpersonal difficulties. I agree with Lily that you haven't yet been given the right tools or tried the right therapy for trauma. Surely this is not helpful and that each one of us have different opinions and experiences. You have mentioned that holding hands walk with the psychologist and that worked for you. Your body wants to escape and maybe there is something on that level that needs to be integrated before you go through speaking about it. You get very scared and it is scary to feel so insecure and in danger as you seem to feel when out and in the car. Don't give up. 

[addy2]

I will look it up, thankyou both, I woke up so depressed and crying I was anxious all night. It seems when I'm triggered there's no stopping it. I thought I was getting things back a bit but in reality im more anxious now than ever. I know it all lies within and i need to do the trauma work but I don't feel she is for me, the mentor who I did the hand walk with asked me why didn't I feel safe with the trauma psychologist she said I need to ask her that and see if I can work through it. I feel safe with my mentor and she js a psychologist but maybe that's because I don't have to tell her anything. I'm terrified of being discharged from therapy so I hang on but I've seen her twice this past 7 weeks, I so desperately want to move on but I need help to do it and I feel that they think cause ive had therapy before that I should be alot better than I am. I feel crap now so I'm staying in bed I just need a break from it all xx

[Kara.]

Maybe this is not helpful but I strongly believe that before one can speak about what happened one needs to self-regulate a little. Sensorimotor psychotherapy and Neuro-Relational Affective Model do exactly this. I am convinced that the holding hands was indeed very important because it was a body interaction that made you feel safe. It really is important to get the right therapy. But maybe there is also some true that if your mentor was your psychologist it would be more difficult for you to trust. Maybe. But when the therapist is close to what one needs it's easier to stay. In my experience. Even though I may want to leave every so often. As you know..

 

[addy2]

I agree I need to self regulate, I need a way to cope after I need to know that if I talk and when I'm home I'm distressed I need to have something I can do that will help. I know that keeping busy is really just me avoiding everything so I need sit with it a while and feel it and then distract I never get it right I get so caught up and distressed. But your right my body is still wanting to escape and I need.to reassure that part and make them feel safe but I don't know how because when I'm there I don't know how to comfort or feel safe. My 6 yr old was crying yesterday he has autism and on the beach he got anxious and I hugged him and he stopped I thought wouldn't it be great if I could do that for me, my entire life I didn't get love or comfort or acceptance, now its so hard to take comfort from other people. My 12 yr old is the most beautiful wee child she seems to sense my fear and she holds my hand or links her arm to mine then I feel sad cause she shouldn't have too but I guess the positive is, it was me who taught her to be caring. I don't know what to do about the therapist i don't feel I can do this with her maybe I should just tell her xx

[Kara.]

How beautiful descriptions of your children and how the body is used to help regulate. These things can come from very early age as well when people are very little. I used to fantasise a hospital with these big hugging machines where my whole body could fit in and be held as if I was a baby. 

I just seem to think that the body needs to be looked at when one is treating trauma. But I may be wrong. 

It is hard to accept love and support after so much rejection. I find it very confusing. I can't quite identify that love in me. I don't know it and my impulse is to reject it and go to my old habits. Because it's so confusing to attempt something new. And words like 'never' and 'always' come up straight away to cut all possibilities. Because it's so scary and confusing. 

addy, I think I got lost. I'm quite disorganized today. I am sorry. 

Hugs. 

[addy2]

you have no need to be sorry Kara. I find it hard to believe that I'm liked let alone loved, and they say people with bpd cant show love that's wrong, if I couldn't show love then how would my kids show me so much. I give them all the love I never had, some days I am distracted and I hate that but no parent is perfect. I took them to the park today and was very anxious and that's close to my home, maybe if I accept this is how it is instead of fighting it that will help, maybe I need to accept I have limitations and always will. I'm awake now its 2.30am I'm anxious and I have skills group tomorrow in the city not sure I want to go. I hope you got a good sleep karaindrou xx

[Kara.]

Hi addy. I am also here. Feeling more relaxed but not working this week. 

I think that acceptance is the beginning of the healing. I quite like Linehan's concept of radical acceptance. One benefits from accepting fully what is being experienced at each moment rather than trying to change it at all costs. By learning how stay with the feelings, by accepting them, one starts self-regulating. And when this fails, as it does maybe more often than not, one accepts that too. And if one attacks oneself for getting it wrong, then one accepts that too. Radical acceptance has helped to feel less attacking and more forgiving of myself.

addy i agree that people with bpd can love and you are a loving, as well as lovable, person. I also find it hard, or impossible, to feel loved. It's painful not to be able to receive that care and love. I wish that we and all the others can one day cross that line. Oh I so wish. M

If you go to the group tomorrow, why not do a lot of acceptance of whatever you feel? 

HUgs and I hope that you can sleep soon. 

[Kitsune]

You still did it though, even knowing that you struggle and that it can be so scary you still went out with your kids for the day, and that's really brave, hope that you can feel proud for what you're achieved in the face of difficult feelings xx

[addy2]

I should be proud shouldn't I, I wish I was. In one way I was glad i went but another part of me wished i didn't go. Today I had skills group the journey was scary but I just kept telling myself it was ok to be anxious and that its normal for me to be anxious and when I got there my head zoned out like it always does, we talked about an emotion that bothered us the most and I said fear and then we are supposed to talk about the trigger but alot of times i find it all random I'm just afraid and feel afraid and sometimes there's no trigger is that the way with others too? Do you always know your triggers? Xx

[Kitsune]

It's not easy to feel proud Addy, especially if you've never been encouraged to be kind to yourself and are instead self-critical. I still struggle with that and compliments myself, lots of people with depression do.

I don't always know my triggers at all, sometimes I'll just feel randomly anxious or depressed or angry. I'm reading 'the mindful way through depression' at the moment and it talks about how depression can link negative thoughts up with negative feelings so then if we even feel a little bit of something it can escalate into a huge downer because the brain has made strong links between the two. So a mild irritation can trigger me but it'll turn into full blown anger- but i won't necessarily even know what triggered me or why, because a lot of it is subconsious and buried memories.

It's difficult, very difficult, but i'm proud for that you still get out there and do things even when you feel so overwhelmed xx

[addy2]

thankyou kitsue your so right its hard to be kind to me or feel proud no one was ever proud of me. I think alot of mine is in my sub conscious as well, that's why I'm trying to get to the bottom of it in therapy but so far i cant even go there my anxiety goes crazy. My therapist said what makes it harder is that different parts are triggered and I'm not aware of who or what has been triggered, its all complicated, I just wish I could be normal and do normal things. Its the constant need to escape that gets me most, that must mean something. It makes sense though doesn't it how we think affects how we feel but when we don't know what we are thinking its impossible to stop the whole process I think xx