Help for a non bpd person

[goldenheart]

I am finding it difficult to distinguish between the real feelings of a person with BPD and  the Symptoms of the condition as they are quite blurry to me who doesn't have BPD. Do they really want me out their life for good or that they cant cope with life at the moment through to having BPD??

Six weeks ago, a friend (no longer considered to be a friend by them) dumped me out of the blue with no explanation or reason why they did it? Up to that point they had cease contact with me for short burst every other month and we talked it over, and I understood that there were some confusion and misunderstandings, but I didn't have any ill feelings towards them. I had been like a rock to them over 6 months, staying in touch daily and supporting them as best as I could. But this time is different, and has upset me greatly, as I have tried to remain positive for my own mental health, I let them know that they were free to contact me any time and remain friends, but they ignored me even though they read the messages, pretended to be someone else to lie to me, block and unblock me on social media etc...eventually they told me to leave them alone and do not contact them again...of which I had did even though I didn't want this to happen.

But this confuses me: They check my social media profile for updates, post statuses and then delete theirs but also put stuff on they know I would see if I had looked like a form of communication, eventually I had to temporary block them as they were becoming abusive to me even though I did nothing to warrant it and then finally sent me a message recently in anger for eventually taking the block off and saying they didn't care  - I had no intention of replying to the message or contacting them as they would be more abusive...

I have never treated them badly or dismissed there mental health status...all I want is the best for them.

We were friends only, despite his past feelings for me which we were confused romantic feelings for me and I believe he is over me in that sense now. 

 

 

[Data]

BPD is borderline personality disorder and this means that it is integrated into the personality, the symptoms of the condition cause them to have real feelings.
 

We only have your side of the story and its difficult to tell what is going on here; there is a lack of communication and so you can't really guess what is going on in their head.  However, a lot of BPD people have an intense fear of rejection.  It is possible that they feared that you were going to hurt them by rejecting them, so they thought they'd get in their first and reject you.  But that is just speculation.

 

This relationship seems to have caused you pain, goldenheart, and I am sorry for that - and I hope you can move on from it.

[Kara.]

Goldenheart, feeling confused with a bpd's person's behaviours and change of moods, opinions, wants, seems to be shared by family and friends of people with bpd. I believe that a relationship is made by 2 people and the person with bpd will have their own reasons to feel things in a certain way. This is not their fault but it is not your fault either. 

Boundaries are very important in relationships with people with bpd. Compassion and boundaries. Compassion to support them and boundaries to support yourself. 

As Data said, I don't think you can separate the real feelings from the bpd feelings. All aspects of the bpd belong to the bpd though they may be a product of abuse, neglect and so on. Some aspects of the person may be more functional and mature than others that may at times be really ill. 

I'm sorry this relationship made you suffer. I see it as the bpd's communication how confusing relationships are for them. I hope you take care of yourself. 

[goldenheart]

Thankyou for your replies, I understand that mental health can influence the way you think and feel, and also the way in which you communicate with people and it can be harder for some people who experience it much deeply through an illness rather than someone who is just having an off day and doesn't have any mental health issues.

They tried to explain the condition to me of BPD and why they got it early on in the relationship, as it was from trauma that offset the condition from losing people from death a couple of years ago, but as for the condition not as much information that is why I had to read literature on it. i know that they tried to protect me from the offset from symptoms of BPD, as they would tell me they felt angry and didn't want to take it out on me, in which i respected at all times and listened if they wanted to talk about it at a later time when they cooled down. Another conversation now i think about now was more enlightening, they feared rejection because of their condition and thus shyed away from talking about it, as they thought that BPD would drive me away from them despite trying to explain it wouldn't as i understood mental health a little from my own experiences and that i would remain their friend no matter what.

i think lack of communication was a problem as you say Data and also they feared rejection from me even though it wasn't founded and that i wanted to be a friend no matter what, but as Kara says about boundaries; they weren't apparent in this relationship and maybe that was my fault in away as we didn't establish any and thus i did not support myself at all in that context. Thus i got hurt from the break up of the friendship and thus also don't blame them for that.

I have to get on with my life without them and keep the good memories of the friendship...

 

[goldenheart]

UPDATE:

I can not say we are friends in the true sense yet as its still early days, but this person has come back into my life and we are beginning to talk now and try to rekindle what we had before it got messy. Now especially as they are now transferring back to my work location and be back as colleagues once again. so hopefully things will be better this time and try communicate more openly.

[Data]

This is good news.  Its sometimes difficult for BPD people as they can lack self-awareness.  So they might not be in touch with how they feel, or the true causes of how they feel.  But good communication does help, and I hope you can make things work.