addy2 Posted April 28, 2015 Report Share Posted April 28, 2015 its been a tough week, social services are now assessing my kids and are going to get involved long term, they spoke with my psychologist today and said they had concerns about what was going on. I feel sad and a failure I've stayed 18yrs with this guy cause I have no one else. I always wanted to marry and I asked him and yrs later he begrudgingly bought me a ring then a while ago I mentioned it and he said its not important to get married, it is to me I want to know that someone loved me enough to marry me, is that wrong? I should know already he doesn't love me or respect me at all but I live in denial of it all. He told me to shut up on Saturday I was talking about something and I said please have some manners as you are barely hanging on as it is I've had enough he said so what, like I care if we are together or not. I'm feeling so sad and unloveable he has gone to bed but because of ocd I cant go to bed alone so I'll have to stay downstairs I've given him alot of my life I was so wrong and stupid! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted April 28, 2015 Report Share Posted April 28, 2015 You feel unlovable but you are not unloveable. I had a boyfriend who also didn't think that getting married was important. He is now with someone for a long time and he will stay with her. Not married. I wanted to feel safe, wanted and loved. In my mind this happened with being asked to marry. I understand that and I can't see why is such a bid deal to get married if people love each other. But I know many who haven't.The thing with your relationship, as I perceive it from what you post, is that though it's difficult, somehow you managed to do something together. You have found a unbalanced balance that keeps you guys going. The question is whether you can imagine yourself without him. To break that unbalanced balance and build another structure to support you. Without him. Because if you do, then you can assert yourself more, regardless of whether you stay together or not. That strength. That strength that make you feel more in control of your vulnerabilities. Be gentle with yourself addy. Sometimes we are in situations not because we want to but because we can't do otherwise. and that is very tough. I wish that you start imagining how it could be without him or with him but differently, if it's reasonable to have any expectation that he can change at all... ... ... Hugs. You are lovable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2015 I am watching a programme called 19 kids and counting it made me cry the guy is proposing and he does it all to make her happy. My relationship is based on need and my fear of being alone and not coping. I've always forgiven him because I wanted it to work he has a caring side which I rarely see but I keep telling myself no one is perfect. A social worker I once had told me the relationship wasn't healthy I sacrificed too much to stay in it. He is my life but not in a good way I depend on him to function I cant even go to bed without him or travel. I'm beginning to realise I will possibly end up leaving him, I can't take the hurt and rejection, I'm holding on to someone who really doesn't want me. I did the same with my parents I held on tight and took the abuse for fear of rejection and I got hurt all the time. What happened with my son has really made me think possibly cause I let him away with treating me like this now he thinks he can treat the kids the same. Thankyou Kara for your kind words but I feel no one will ever love me my own parents hurt me and same with my partner xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted April 29, 2015 Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 Maybe no one will love you like one wishes parents to love us. But even if this is the case, one doesn't have to be abused. My mum has several friends who have never married and haven't been in long term relationships. They are alone. It's not because they are not loved that they have to be unloved or abused. My T encourages me to find a partner but I say no precisely because I have been in an abusive relationship and, like you, I couldn't leave him. If i am to be in a relationship I need to try and feel that I can cope on my own so that I know if that relationship becomes unhealthy, I can leave. That relationship was soul destroying. And I couldn't leave. We hold on tight because we deserved a kind of love that was not given to us. It's not even about deserving. It's about needing. Children need love to survive. You are no different. Sleep well, even if it's in the sofa. Maybe you can have a bed in the lounge. Adapt the environment to suit your needs. HUgs addy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 its got more stressful, I have been feeling unwell and went to my GP who sent me to hospital I though get bloods taken and then home but my ecg was abnormal so now they are worried that I've had another blood clot and wanted to do a ct scan but I panicked I cant lie flat he told me he cant let me home until he finds out what's wrong, I'm here for tonight and booked for a scan in the morning. If I have a clot I'll need warfin for the rest of my life and if its not i have to see a heart doctor i am so scared, i miss my kids and i want to go home. I have had a tablet tonight and get another in the morning I'm so scared i won't be able to get the scan xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon5 Posted April 29, 2015 Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 oh babe, sorry to here you are in hospital. I know you are scared but you will be ok. try to find something to distract you. radio, game on your phone just to get by this evening. thinking about you xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 thanks bluemoom I've been here since 11am I could cry, I got my phone charger and I have a tv I have my own room its lonely xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hoping Posted April 29, 2015 Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 Am sorry to hear that you are in hospital Addy, please take of yourself ,thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 thankyou hoping I so badly wish I was at home xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hoping Posted April 29, 2015 Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 Hope you manage to get some sleep, somthat tomorrow comes quicker x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted April 29, 2015 Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 oh no addy! I hope that you have your scan in the morning and that everything will be alright. Thinking of you. Meanwhile try to have a rest. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 I hope so too, I'm wrapped in my dressing gown I do the same at home but I'm on top of the bed I think I'll stay in my clothes tonight its windy too which doesn't help and they are giving me a tablet at 6am too xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted April 29, 2015 Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 Good luck for tomorrow addy, I know it's hard but try not to worry. We'll all be there with you in the scanner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 thankyou Artemis I will think of you all and all you lovely people xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted April 29, 2015 Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 Sleep tight. Dont worry with the wind. The wind is outside and inside where you are is safe. Hugs and very best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 I got the scan early this morning they didnt tell me in advance just came and took me was the best way, they gave me pillows and helped me ly down on my side for a while until I got comfortable, I shook the entire time but no way was I getting out, I got the dye and my tablet to thin my blood so now I have to wait, if its not a clot I need to see a heart doctor which I'm scared about but the scan is done and I'm relieved and so tired. Thankyou all everyone you really helped last night big hugs xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted April 30, 2015 Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 Hi addy. How are you and where are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 I'm still in hospital the scan wasn't clear so they have to do it tomorrow again and if I cant get in position then they wont be able to do it. If its a clot I get meds and can go home in a day or so if its not I go and get some tests done on my heart. I've been moved to the medical ward which has increased my anxiety I had to go in a lift which scares me. I just got the meds again but I feel hot I think I'm allergic to these ones too but I've been taking them 24 hours so maybe its not them it's probably me being anxious. Thankyou for thinking of me Kara I really want to go home but I'm hoping tomorrow xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted April 30, 2015 Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 Maybe it's good to also have a break from home. It would be great if it wasn't in hospital though!!! I hope that it all goes well. Well done for going on the lift. I was wondering how your partner has been now that you are in hospital... You don't have to talk about it, of course. Just wondered because it was being so hard.I hope they are treating you well addy. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 I said to the nurse about it she said the dye might make me hot too. I walked down to meet my partner and sons I almost got lost we got an ice lolly and went outside I bought the boys teddys in the gift shop to cuddle cause they miss me, one of them cried when leaving I feel so sad. My partner is ok stressed but I told him its not my fault he complained yesterday about bringing me here but he's kinder today. The social worker rang and said she will ring next week she rang my partner but he didn't answer. I got anxious earlier and I slept in my clothes my daughter got me pjs so I got changed when my kids were here I need a shower but my ocd wont let me maybe tomorrow, i sleep on top of the bed too, I'm scared of everything. I had so little sleep last night I'm so tired xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted April 30, 2015 Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 Oh addy! It must be awful be scared of everything. Go inside the bed. It's so more comfortable and cosy. You will be cold if you don't, won't you? You are safe in the hospital. I hope you have good night sleep. It's safe. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon5 Posted April 30, 2015 Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 Think of you addy x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 thankyou both, another anxious night as i have another scan in the morning, can i take you all with me tomorrow as well? Xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted April 30, 2015 Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 I will be thinking of you addy2, I hope your scans are "all clear". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted April 30, 2015 Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 can i take you all with me tomorrow as well? XxOf course!! I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say we'll be there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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