What is wrong with me?

[Wheepey]

Okay this is going to be long and I obviously wont be able to say everything and go into full detail but I hardly understand anything that’s going on in my head.

The thing is I can’t tell you when this started because it feels like my memory has been corrupted, but when I got into my first serious relationship around the age of 15 I was on and off with this guy for about 2 years, he was great to me and never treated me wrong but since I had been getting into a relationship I would have constant episodes of (guess they aren’t episodes if they are constant) depersonalization and I would also feel really depressed and suffer from insomnia, Like in a huge trance which I couldn’t get myself out of.

 I would be crying constantly and would feel really lost I would feel unattached from reality and would feel like a stranger to myself, I wouldn’t recognise myself in the mirror I’d just feel like a pair of eyes subconsciously operating a machine, my self esteem was completely corrupted also, I started going to the doctors when this got out of hand, I was referred over to a therapist but that didn’t seem to help I could never figure out what was causing me to feel lie this, I was then put on different types of anti-depressants and sleeping medication for my insomnia but both of these did absolutely nothing for me.

Even though this guy at the time was very supportive I guess he was quite clingy at times and I used to treat him quite badly (come across quite ignorant, won’t reply, be quite rude and negative towards him) due to this mental illness or whatever it was…He was only trying to be there for me…Let’s skip on a bit…As I started college me and this guy kind of grew apart as he obtained all these friends due to starting at college this somewhat upset me and I wanted to cling onto him.

I remember the last time me and him go into a relationship I was uncontrollably crying and felt so crap about everything and felt dead inside it suddenly just comes on…(Just saying, I wasn’t happy outside of the relationship but being in one just made everything 100x worse) I’m not sure why exactly I kept getting into a relationship when I knew I may become like this, every time I was hoping I wouldn’t.

Anyway further into college I started having these horrible thoughts I couldn’t ignore or push away, thoughts that made me feel disgusting as a person, these were thoughts of the guy getting hurt getting hit by a car or being killed…The visualisations of it all kept repeating in my mind…But as I went along with it…They made me feel better it was like a magical uplift…I actually felt happiness…That bit of happiness I had been craving for so long.

 I spoke to my therapist about this and she never really gave me a straight forward answer about it, so I turned to my father and he was telling me that I had to let the guy go, any feelings anything I had to let him go and get him out of my head so I could move on with my life I was in denial about this, one half of me was like I don’t want to do that because we’ve been so close for so long, and the other half was excited on the idea and really happy…The thought of this made me feel like I was no longer depressed at all, which also scared me quite a bit… (how easily could I slip in and out of this, why didn’t I do this sooner? Would it of had the same effect back then, I never considered him to be the problem until now?)

Skipping on a bit more, me and this guy had a conversation where we decided it’s best if we never saw or spoke to one another again, if we just let each other go and moved on with our lives, So we did. I felt great I felt violently happy (I’m not sure if that’s good or not) I felt full of adrenaline, I felt like my old self again I felt motivated I was seeing life from a new perspective, I started enjoying life again something I hadn’t been able to say for a long time.

 Later along the line I met up with the guy as friends (I know, stupid right?) We had a good time hanging around as things felt different this time, I returned home on the day of hanging out and it seemed like a chemical imbalance clicked in my head I had this sudden rush of anxiety pulsing through me and I was scared I was going to have a relapse, thankfully I didn’t, but we never met up again after that. 

further through the year of 2014 I felt myself coming from violently happy in the beginning of the year to feeling contempt and ‘okay’ I kept saying to myself in my head ‘’I’m good’’ as I never wanted to confess to feeling like crap again, without a significant reason.

 2014 was the best year I’ve had for years though, I spent most of it with my dad, going to concerts and having a great time. Now December last year, I got into a relationship with another guy with the fear deep down inside of me about having these dark feelings return, I felt more confident about this relationship…Though I could never exactly tell myself that I loved these people with confidence, but you never do exactly have feelings of love in the start of a relationship…Do you? We spent 3 and a half months together and I broke up with him in the beginning of April.

Whilst I was with him I started losing motivation to complete tasks (for example, college work) and just motivation in general, though he was great to me he never did a thing wrong… I really enjoyed his company and such, but one day in the beginning of April I was sitting down and my head felt really funny and I kept getting dizzy spells I blamed the reasoning of this for donating a pint of blood for the first time a few days before, but I started feeling quite down and very very anxious about everything  I couldn’t control these feelings I also felt so confused, I felt the depersonalization and de-realization strongly coming back gradually getting worse as this felt like a total relapse, I decided I had to break up with this guy…I didn’t know what else to do… This some-what stopped the feeling of severe anxiety and stopped my tears, knowing we weren’t in a relationship.

But up until now I still feel like a stranger to myself…I speak to this guy occasionally and the thoughts of ridding myself from him don’t seem to make things better like they did with the other guy… I’m just so confused, I don’t know what’s going on any more, I just feel like a complete mess because of all of it, I just want my mind to work like anyone else’s, I know that my mother suffers from depersonalization/de-realization and I think I’ve had it in the past as a child, as I used to always ask my parents if I was in a dream and when I could wake up, 

I honestly don’t think it’s down to the people but myself.

If anyone has any opinions on this or could help me out, I’d really appreciate it,

I just want to be happy.

[bluemoon5]

Hi, welcome to the forum. Sorry I struggle with concerntratin to read your post, hope it helps writing it down. You might find some similar threads by searching the forum using key words, which might show how you xerox not alone with these types of issues.

[BigHeight]

Hello, welcome to the forum.

I can't understand what it is your going through, but maybe you should take time out for yourself. Be by yourself, don't involve anyone else, that way you can find yourself again, and when you finally do, you will feel more confident about entering a relationship.

That's just my opinion anyway.