walker Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 at the risk of - all sorts of things - I am going to start a threadhub used to say ' you make everything bad'NOT in the sense that it was my fault things were bad, but that I interpreted them like that(although he probably meant it the other way sometimes too) he is of course totally right'HEAD' has learned this as a survival tactic perhapsthat if something seems good, it will end up bad so I need to get there before that happens, as a sort of protectionit means that there is an endless capacity for seeing what could go wrong when we have a 'good' ideafinding things wrong with anything that is 'good', seems good, starts off goodwe don't intend to do it - it happens by 'magic' - we seem to 'paint the world black'and reading a few posts on here about how people 'self' sabotage good things/therapy/treatment/meds etc - it reminded usbecauseSTILL - and it has been almost a year since we moved back - STILL the mh unit seems to be doing everything wrong for usthey give us key workers who for one reason or another cannot be therethey give a few 'token' sessions of something that then stops and hurts more than if it hadn't startedthey keep saying 'we need to think how best we can support you' BUT - HOW CAN THEY DO THAT when I make EVERYTHING bad - when whatever they do will end up FEELING WRONG INSIDE MEwhen what I DESPTERATELY need today - I might not need tomorrow - and will certainly not want in a few days, but cannot manage without it RIGHT NOW, and will probably need it again later SO my question is do other people identify with this? Do you understand what we are saying? Do you recognise this in yourselves?or am I the only one who does this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 Just wanted to let you know you are not alone walker, I must say Im not as bad as I used to be, but maybe IM in a better place now, and I dont know how that happened either, dont think Im explaining very well really, but I do identify with you, a past me does anyway xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted May 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 and I posted - why? (thank you daisychain xx) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 I identify with that a lot. In the end, for me it is related to my projecting my own sense of badness and defectiveness onto outside others and things. Why do I do it? If I don't I am the one to feel bad and defective. When I feel like that, I believe that no one would ever, ever, ever, be interested in me. I fear that they see how bad I am. How horrible I am and I don't want to see their shocked and disgusted faces looking at me. Or rather, at this thing that i feel to be. You caught me in a day when I am feeling like that actually. I am trying to work on that but it is very hard indeed. Would it help if you figure whether that badness is something that you feel about yourself and that you put out? I understand that your parts may feel strongly and differently about things. I dialogue with my parts and with time they have been more engaged with trying to trust T and others. But mainly that I might not be completely defective. Hugs walker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted May 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 well of course it isI am bad insideI know thatand I make things bad why did I for a moment think there might be lots of people feel like thiswhy did we for a moment think people would even fking notice we existsorry to kara and daisybut please people don't feel obliged to replyyou don't have to, why should youbut then why the fk did we ever make the stupid decision to make a post when time after time after time after time people do NOT respondand it PROVES that we are for the most part alone in being what we are Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 I used to think I was a bad person, and unconsciously I would constantly look for things that would prove that belief to be true. I would subconsciously disregard any evidence to the contrary.. people have noticed you exist. People have replied. You're not alone and you're not bad. I do hear you're angry and I hope that one day you can believe something nicer for yourself x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted May 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 its because we felt this might be something people would understand that people would say yes we do thatwe feel alone in 'how' we arewe are not looking for things to prove we are bad - at least we didn't know we werewe just always end up seeing/feeling things are wrong or badeven when they start of rightwe cry out for certain help from mh - not that we get it - but then a day or a week later that desperate need has gone, we have 'made' it wrongwe make or do things we might think are great for maybe only moments, or hours or daysthen its gone and it has gone bad in our head, its worth nothing, it is no longer good and can become completely rubbish we thought other people might understandwe thought we might not feel so alone in it all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon5 Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 Self sabatage and abivialnce am very skilled at this. Fucking forum keeps deleted what else I was goi g to say. But yes I feel similar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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