It's all just too much.

[Charlie1986]

I feel like my whole world is spinning out of control. I am still waiting for MBT which I won't even know if I'm eligible for, for at least another 3 weeks and then I have to wait for an opening for me to start it. I have a feeling that's all going to be disrupted though because I'm moving out of borough soon or at least I hope I am.

My psych is an idiot and all he keeps preaching is that's take up mindfulness and meditation. Right now I can't even make it through a day without freaking out and I have no idea how he expects me to learn that without help. I'm now off my medication which was 500mg of Sodium Valporate. He gave me some quetiapene but I've only took two because they knock me out. We have decided that I'm going on aripiprazole because it's an anti psychotic without the sedative affect. I haven't been given it yet. Basically I think he can see now just how reactive my moods are becoming which is horrid. 

I went into my appointment with him the other day in a very rare good mood and he wound me up so much telling me basically to just wait and see for the therapy I snapped which basically proved I need something to help keep me calm until I can learn to do it myself without med's. He was going to take me off everything which would basically be singing my section papers because I wouldn't last in public much longer.

I sway between sucidal ideation and elation at the minute and I can't deal.

Moving house is my biggest stress right now. My partner is trying to understand but she's pissing me off all the time at the minute. We have found a flat but we don't know if the landlord has accepted us as tenants yet and she litterally has no urgency about her whatsoever and it really really sets me reeling. It makes me want to smash her face in (not that I would). She doesn't listen when I explain I get fixated on things when I'm stressed because a trigger for me is being in limbo in my life and not knowing what's happening. Right now I wake up wishing I hadn't because I can't face anymore arguments with people or waiting, I'm awake now because I can't sleep thinking about it.

where we are now they have let us out the tenacy early due to a breach of contract on the landlords side (I've had a broken window for 7 months that wasn't my fault which he's still refused to fix) so we have a 30 day notice to quit in force and I still don't know if we even have somewhere to sodding live.

im so irritable right now I could smash everything up. My partner is in bed at the side of me and I'm ready to punch her in the face for breathing because she's tossing and turning and arrrrrrggghhhhh.

i feel like I'm having a psychotic break.

[Data]

Charlie, I enjoy reading your posts because I see a lot of myself in you.  

I had MBT (mentalization based treatment) and it helped a lot, I'd encourage you to push for it.

I am sure your psych is not an idiot but often doctors are not good at listening.  Mindfulness and meditation don't work for everyone.

Quetiapine does knock you out to start off worth.  On the first morning, I woke up with slurred speech from it!  But you get used to it very quickly and it helps some people to calm themselves, so if your doctor has prescribed it I'd encourage you to try it for a couple of weeks.

I am considered to have recovered from my personality disorder nowadays but I still have bad mood swings, they are very hard to deal with.

Moving house is stressful for everyone.  So if you have mental health problems it could be quite difficult.  I've just started a new job and its been really hard.  Change takes a while to get used to, it will get better.

I know what you mean about smashing things up and punching things, you have these ideas in your head due to the anger and the frustration, but you know its not right and not the answer.

I am no doctor but you don't sound to me like you are having a psychotic break.  It sounds to me like you are going through a period of stressful change, its putting a strain on your relationship, and your psych isn't listening to you.  

 

[Charlie1986]

Hi data, 

I'm calmer now but life is just too much at the minute and i'm not even sure we're the sudden inability to cope has come from. 

My psych is not an idiot you are right. It's unfair of me to put my frustration with myself onto him. I just feel like because I'm not active on my feelings I'm not deemed serious enough. They don't listen when I say I need the support before I lose control and regret something not wait until I've destroyed my whole life. Im just impatient. I hate waiting and that's something I have to work on.

I couldn't risk taking them as a stable med and when I was prescribed them it was on an as and when basis. My body doesn't react well to anti psychotics but it's the only thing that calms my head enough to stop me stressing. The night i wrote this post I double dropped on quetiapene and I slept till 3pm the next day and struggled to stay awake after I got up. I just needed not to think. 

Im sick of moving to be fair. This is the 3rd time in 3 years. I won't be doing it again for a long time. 

I'm lucky in that I don't react or act on my emotions in a physical sense or a self harm sense except the bulimia. Today is the only day I've not purged my food for weeks because I'm so exhausted I needed a rest.

im probably not having a psychotic break but my emtotions are escalating to the point of really dark and disturbing thoughts of suicide that even frighten me. 

I just would like my brain to stop.