Failing my 10th grade again..

[ltkipras]

Hello, I'm a 17 year old guy who is failing my 10th grade for the second time because of depression, anxiety and only this time I actually tried getting some help.. So about a year ago after a several months of being extremely passive in school(skipping classes, not doing any homework and dozing off into nothingness during class) I stopped going to school altogether that led to me not being able to finish my 10th grade, and I didn't care I had a plan to build myself a passive home and live off my land. So I started spending more time in my grandparents place working in the garden then the summer came I spent most of it with my friends, but when they all went to school I found myself a job, and worked for 3 months. Convinced by my aunt I agreed to go back to school next year, the school we were looking at offered us a possibility to finish 10th grade instead of going through it all over again. So I agreed and have been attending it for the past several months. But I broke again anxiety and depression hit me like a train and i stopped going to school again, this time I went to my doctor and asked for some mental help, and I signed up for an appointment with a psychiatrist, but I had to wait 2 weeks for it. When I met with the psychiatrist she prescribed antidepressants zoloft, which 5 days later caused suicidal thoughts, then she prescribed Tiapridal which only made me more depressed and anxious, I've decided to not take any medication at all. And here I am failing my 10th grade once more. All I've been doing for last 3 weeks was playing dota 2, I barely get outside anymore, the other problem I have is I have a hard time starting to do something and even a harder time finishing it, I have not motivation at all to do anything but eat, sleep and play dota 2. I can't let myself live under my mother for the rest of my life, I need to find a way to make my life into something other than eat sleep repeat and die... I need a way out of this bullshit, but It's really hard when I am very anxious about everything, so I'm sharing my story here hoping someone can help me.

Thank you for reading and responding!

[Peregrine]

Hi, and welcome 

Reading your post reminded me much of myself when I was your age. I struggled at school, too. You sound like a bright person and it's probably not so much the stuff you're taught that you struggle with, but your mental and emotional state.

When I was 17, I had to take a year out of school as well, due to severe insomnia which caused me to have a fit, and depression.I found it incredibly hard to focus on anything in the present, let alone have a plan for the future. I was treated in a different country back then, and tried various meds until I found some that suited me. 

I think your age is a tricky phase to be in, by any standard. I don't mean this in a derogatory way at all, just empathize, as I've been through similar stuff. I've not had any friends and my family was only partly supportive. Somehow, with meds, I got some wind behind my sails and managed to finish school. As soon as that was done, I left the country and never returned, apart from occasional family visits.

It sounds like you're stuck with what to do next. Maybe finishing school isn't the right thing for you to be doing right now? I understand that proof of some standard of education is often required, but not always. Apart from A - Levels I have no qualification whatsoever and was never asked to provide proof when I applied for jobs. Fair enough, a lot of them were unskilled labour jobs, 3 months factory, fish shed, etc, but it gave me some money which allowed me to treat myself to something I always wanted. Work can be had without qualifications, but maybe your anxiety and low mood prevents you from seeking employment for now.

When I withdraw from reality, I play games, dive into books or the internet for hours on end, but what really helped me was to get some routine into my life. Have you thought of volunteering somewhere? It may be a good step to try something new, without committing yourself to a full schedule of employment?

I'm sorry you feel shit, but try and hold onto the fact that some times are better than others. The time you spent at your grandparents' sounds as if you were motivated to do something you enjoy - being outside, working the land. 

If you find it hard to put any work into school at all, maybe the first step is to make a decision as to whether this is the right thing to be doing? And, if not, what the alternatives could be job-wise. If you feel that your current state of mind and anxiety hamper with even making that decision, could you go back to the doc and ask for some more help? I know you said that you don't want to take any more medication, but if it meant to try and find the right one which would help you to think and feel more clearly, maybe that would be the right thing to be doing for now, rather than finish school? Your health is the most important thing right now. Just as you couldn't expect a physically ill person to run a marathon, a mind in need of TLC would struggle to finish school.

 

Just some ideas... 

[ltkipras]

I tried putting routine into my life, first 2 months in school this year I woke up everyday at 5 in the morning, rode my bike to school and back about 10 km was starting to exercise more, but the more time passed the more my routine fell apart, I started skipping some classes, woke up as late as possible.  I don't think I'm coming back to school if I don't pass now, the schooling system really frustrates me how in order to finish it you have to sit through 12 years, I believe I could have done it in 8 given the right circumstances. I could have easily been an all A's student, but when I reached my peak in school I noticed that if I try really hard I only get 10-20% higher scores compared to when i put in no effort at all, so why bother? Part of that is because I'm surrounded by people who only came to school to get a shitty peace of paper that says you finished school, I have nothing against stupid people but if you try to push your stupidity onto someone else we have a problem. I don't see a point in sitting 6-8h a day in school without having any idea why you are there. I don't know where I'm going with this actually.

What I think my problems might be coming from, when I was young I had several traumas, when I was 2 I fell down a steep set of stairs, and I believe I had my scull cracked or something, and a year later I fell into a sewer, and when I was 6 I was attacked by a dog, I think this stirred my brain up a bit and caused some damage, I read about how football players get serious mental problems due to the head impacts, It is either that or poor parenting which led me to be a completely unmotivated, underachiever. because as far as I remember I didn't do shit in school from grade 1, I have taken several after school activities and quit all of them after a week or a month, bottom line is I never finish anything and when I do finish something, I still feel like it wasn't enough and thoughts about how I could have done it better keep chasing me afterwards as a reminder you cant finish anything.

 

[imthatgirl]

I too suffer from anxiety and depression, so I know what you mean. Especially with the school thing. I'm 23 and still haven't finished, it's super hard dealing with it and not getting the right medication. All while trying to focus on what youre going to do next, it's a pain. I have 1/2 a credit left, and it seems the closer I get the less I want to do it, or the harder it is to just finish.  But what I find that works for me, is finding a routine and sticking to it. Really fighting for it. If you find yourself wanting to give up or go to your game, just go outside for a bit. Go for a run, get some exercise. It seriously helps. If it hadn't been for running, I'd still need 12 credits. Good luck.

 

also, I'm just realizing now this post is from awhile ago...