up and down

[lonelyheartemma]

I've been writing for this online site. When things are going well I love it but it really seems to have got control of my mental health and I don't think that's good.

When I post something I really want to get a positive comment and then when time passes and there have been no comments I think it's rubbish and everyone hates it and I'm really depressed. Then I do get a comment but then I get really anxious because I'm scared it's a negative comment and I'm so scared of reading it. When I do read it and it's positive it's just the best feeling ever and I feel so happy and I feel like I've got friends and I love the site more than anything in the world. When I get a negative comment or anything with a criticism in I really hate myself and I hate what I've written and I'm really humiliated and I want to self harm which I don't think I've done since November but maybe I did and I can't remember.

Sometimes I go back to the negative comments and they're not negative anymore and I don't know why they upset me but sometimes they upset me all over again.

I think maybe I should stop posting on the site. If it's got that much control over me and if the pain is outweighing the pleasure (which it is) it's probably not a healthy place for me to be. I'm going to tell my psychiatrist when I see her in July. I don't want to tell my social worker. She's really lovely but every meeting is frustrating and disappointing.

 

[Saharah Blue]

I go through something similar with my mobile phone. It can really trigger me so much that I have had to actually turn it off for stretches at a time especially when I way in a bad way to begin with. Like you, it makes me crazy when waiting for other people to respond back to me. Now, I just leave it at home as much as possible, it helps but back to this waiting on others to determine if we are important or likeable deep down we both know we are more important than that.

I know I always go on about it, but for me applying better self care really helps me to feel more valued to myself and then it doesn't matter so much what other people do. I still get triggered when I feel like I have put myself out there and feel uncared about and unimportant when I go unacknowledged. My T you to say pat yourself on the back for all the little things you do. I am a bit out of habit but reading  your post reminded me.

*pats em on the back for always being such a consistently kind poster on the forums

[lonelyheartemma]

I went through that with my mobile phone too. Only about 4 people had the number and I'd never met any of them. But I felt sad every time I switched it on and didn't get a text. Then I lost my phone. I didn't find it for a couple of years. I liked not having a phone. But even though the phone had gone the problem is still here. It always finds a way of manifesting itself.

I don't think I'm likeable though. My mum said no one would ever like me. My teacher said people only pretend to like me. My OT says I misinterpret what my mum says. Maybe I misinterpret everything.

I try to be kind. I think I empathise with people. I think it makes me sad to read posts. I think it makes me want to help. But what if I only do it because I want a response?

 

 

 

 

[Saharah Blue]

That is such a terrible thing for any mother to suggest. Everyone has likable traits, I notice people that seems really likable are usually having a good time in the moment, they are at ease with themselves and in-turn put others at ease. So back to the self care mention, because making peace without who we are is really the first step.

It is hard and difficult and takes a lot work but it absolutely possible.

Humans are social creatures and if you post because you want a response that doesn't make you bad it means you want to feel connected with other humans beings, which is what your biology drives you do. It is not a weakness.

 

[Pickle59]

(((((lonelyheartemma))))).Your sharing here has really touched me, and I want you to know that I always love seeing your posts, be they painful, humorous ( yes you always make me smile, even through the deepest of pains).........you reach out to people, you give of yourself, and that is a beautiful gift you have..........Like (((((saharahablue)))), it is totally awful for a mother or anyone really to utter those awful things...........though, people do, sadly...........and the harm that words of these kind can inflict are just excrutiating..........I hear what you say around your online writings and how it is making you feel, worrying about if there will be a response or not, whether it be positive, and how this makes you feel, or negative and how this can crush you too...............It's not surprising you are so very sensitive if you have had to and still have to listen to people who don't seem to realise the impact their opinions and criticisms have on you............I guess, what I want to share with you is that though it is difficult not to listen to people (i.e your Mum or your teacher at school, or what people say to your online writings........remember you are a loveable human being, with lots and lots to give, and you do, and try and give yourself some love and compassion, and tenders and gentles, when others maybe only want to rage or put you down.............this is their problem OK?........Easier said than done to ignore it,I know, but, remember you are lovely, and I'm so glad always to see you and hear how you are doing, and what you are striving for................It would be great if you could keep doing your online writing, because you write brilliantly OK..............if the place you are doing it now is proving to be either too quiet or upsetting you, then could you try somewhere else.............or have your own blog page............?..........Pickles.xxx

[addy2]

You are lovely Emma and I like you I genuinely do. Your mother is wrong and I know how you feel I feel no one likes me and well maybe people don't but there isn't anything I can do although it hurts. I try to be kind and I genuinely care about people but the feeling is rarely returned I just end up hurt. Hugs Emma I hope your ok xx

[lonelyheartemma]

Sah what kind of self care do you think I should do? My social worker and my OT say I'm really good at self care because I always wear make-up and nice dresses and shoes and do my hair. But I think I always look really old and ugly so that's more damage limitation than anything.

Hi Pickle it's lovely to see you again. I haven't been here much so I think we keep missing each other. I've always thought I'm sensitive because of how I'm treated. It makes me expect to be hurt but it doesn't help me get used to the feeling. But my mum seems to think it's my fault I'm sensitive and I should just "get on with it" because "it's normal to be horrible to your kids" and "you're very lucky to have us because no one else would be as supportive as we are".

The trouble is I keep telling people and no one seems to listen. My social worker says the things my mum says to me are terrible but she's convinced my mum is horrible because she wants me to move out. I've been telling her every fortnight for the last six months that that is NOT the reason and actually my mum doesn't want me to move out because "you'll be a lot more trouble if you move out". But all my social worker will say is "ask your mum to write a letter to the council telling them she wants you to move out." It's horrible, like I'm talking to some kind of online robot with automated responses. My social worker is actually a really lovely person and she's great to chat to but important conversations are frustrating and it doesn't help when I arrive for an hour appointment to discover she's booked a room for only half an hour - an hour after our appointment! So we had to keep moving to different rooms because we kept getting thrown out. Then I missed out last appointment because she told me the wrong date. She also tells me things that are incorrect and I'm always correcting her, explaining things about her workplace and even her job! So that makes me doubt everything she tells me.

I talked a bit to my OT but she says "oh your mum probably doesn't mean it like that" which is really hurtful.

I spoke to my local women's outreach place but all they'll do is tell me to "be strong" and go into a shelter but it's not that simple. I want to try to have a relationship with my parents after I move out. If it doesn't work, then I'll have to think again but I want to give them the chance to have a proper adult relationship with me. There's another reason too but I feel a bit bad talking about it but my financial situation will be much better if I can keep communication open for a few more years.

Sorry Addy I hope it doesn't look like I'm ignoring you. Pickle kind of inspired a whole new subject. I think you are lovely and I like you too and I admire you so much. I think you're very caring. I know you're really depressed atm because I read your post but you're still supporting me.

[Saharah Blue]

Self care is best tailored to the individual but here are some that I use I find helpful to me to keep coming back to.

• Having me coffee or tea from a nice china cup with a saucer makes me feel special.
• Baths with bubbles or bath salts or bath bombs, full to the top of the tub for a nice smelling soak.
• Doing my nails, makes me slow down and treat myself gently
• Going out for a pedicure, makes me feel I am worth pampering
• Regular Salon visits rather than leaving it for long stretches and then hating my look, makes me feel better about myself.
• Giving one item to charity every time I buy new clothes etc...
• Fresh cut flowers next to by bed.
• A beautiful scented candle I can burn up in one marathon go, if i feel like it.
• Making homemade soup that I freeze for later when I am not feeling tip top, makes me feel looked after.
• Recycling makes me feel like I care about the world I live in.

Really it is the basic little things that help sooth me. Not that I expect any one tiny thing on that list on it's own to cure my problems, but attending to self in a routine way is a message you are unconsciously sending to yourself that, yes you do matter.