Who Am I

[Reggy Ryan]

Being a borderline as you'd probably suspect I'd be feeling like this. But really I have no idea who I am or what my place on this world even is. Am I defined by the mood stabilizers, antiphsycotics and antidepressants I'm on? Or is my life simply a definition of my Illness.

Now of course I'm not here to get an answer to this question but I do want to ask how anyone else here who has BPD (Or other) is able to define oneself?

I know what I like, what I'm good at but is that what defines me?

 

Of course I have about 20 different Ryan's available in my f****d up mind but neither of them know who they are either!

 

Does anyone here have any advice on how I can ease this distressing feeling of having now self Identity?

[Kara.]

Welcome to the forum Ryan.

I can only tell you about my experience. I have asked that question myself many times. 'Who am I?' I have been thinking about that lately again. I have felt more 'me', defined, when I felt the most connected to someone else and consequently to me. This is something like being able to tolerate being me, in my body and present. I also acknowledge that knowing what I like, knowing my opinions as separate from others' as well as my existence separate from others helps. At times my fear of rejection and low self esteem interferes with my sense of self. I can feel as if I go blank, dissociating, going empty... But when alone I may feel quite substantial. As I feel when I feel accepted and connected.

 

[blackrosesred]

Hi Ryan  

I have BPD and struggled a lot with this. I always wondered if I would ever figure myself out, or whether anybody else would. Sometimes when I felt very distressed I would find myself cutting off from everybody I loved, dying my hair, changing my interests and my persona completely in a bid to try to change the way I feel. But that didn't help, it just disconnected me and made me feel even less in touch with myself.

In my experience, when I have started to feel distressed like that I've distracted myself from making radial changes to myself. I sit alone usually, listening to my favourite music, reading books and just taking some time out for me to relax. Hoping this helps in some way.

[Saharah Blue]

I have worked on this by pursuing the things that make me happy, I find fun, or bring me joy. By doing this I find that I am able to piece together likes and dislikes it has helped me to see a steady self emerge.

[addy2]

I am me I am definitely not defined by bpd I suffer from bpd but its not me. I am a partner a mother among other things that is me. I struggle looking to fit in, I dye my hair alot I change my ideas of what I want in life but I'm still me if that makes sense.

 

[Flower1111]

It must be bewildering to have BPD and exhausting at times ,,i feel for you hunxxxxx

[Br0kenW1ngs]

Hi Ryan,

This post really struck a chord with me because up until a little over a year ago I had no idea who I was either really. Some days it's still a bit blurry now!

I felt like I was my BPD, like the diagnoses I had been given over the years defined me and I would never be anything more. I was "the sick one" the "unpredictable one" who couldn't function without her cocktail of antidepressants and antipsychotics. I bounced from crisis to crisis, attended therapy, saw doctor after doctor and struggled to get through a year without one or two psychiatric admissions. Even in the months where I seemed a little better on the outside, I was still tormented on the inside.

But it did change....

I've been genuinely well for about a year now, no admissions, no "unhelpful" behaviours and somehow I've managed to work my way back into society. I'm med-free and while I will always struggle with my emotions I have found ways to make them more manageable.

It's been a long road and there were many times where I wanted to throw in the towel, but I am here, and I am me.....and slowly I am learning what that means.

So don't give up, there is more to you than a set of criteria, you will find a way to realise this. But it does take time.

Look after yourself...

[helenh]

I really relate to this too. some days i feel i know what i am, a mother, a partner, daughter etc, but i dont really feel i know who i am, and like you, cant quite work out what it means to know who i am. when im alone at home during the day i question my purpose, my place and feel lost and empty. i have looked at different hobbies, spiritual things, and found some peace there but not felt confident enough to say that is part of who i am. 

i am starting to move through the i am bdp, and telling myself that it is a part of me but does not define me. but when my emotions take over and i cant think past them its hard to see it differently.

As you say, there is no perfect answer only thoughts and feeling of other sufferers, and reading your feelings helps me to think about mine and try to understand them. 

it is such a confusing disorder and so hard to explain to people who dont know how it feels. 

sending much love and healing 

h x