I'm 'obviously' crazy

[toaster]

I'm confused.  

I did not do very well on my final project in uni.  Some of it was down to poor mental/emotional health and some of it was due to self-medicating.  I did not use substances for very long but it was long enough.

Although I've felt like a heap of shit, I've continued attending uni, seeing people, interacting etc.  I thought I was doing a good job of keeping up a front; sometimes, even, when I fake happiness, it leads to genuine happiness/enjoyment...

One of my tutors caught up with me yesterday and was quite tough on me - tough in the sense of 'tough love' if you like.  She told me to put in a mitigating circumstances form for the previous 6 months of my education. I told her I didn't have any such circumstances.  She looked at me like I'd just landed, replied 'bollocks' and then told me how she had seen the deterioration in my mental health.

I wasn't expecting that and was taken aback.  Then I got paranoid that everyone thinks I'm totally insane.  I've just been to see my project supervisor, who pretty much said the same thing.

This has left me feeling so confused, and I'm not sure where the confusion is coming from.  I could understand if I felt defensive, angry, secretly pleased, ashamed (which I do)...I am confused with my confusion, however!

I know there is a massive part of me that believes I am faking everything, there's nothing 'wrong' with me...I understand that if I was faking symptoms, then that is a problem in itself, but I won't even give myself that.  I tell myself I am more than ok and I tell myself to get on with it.  Most of the time, I do get on with it.  I did not know that I was presenting in any way that is/was different to the Louise that they know.

Maybe it's confirmation that I do have the problems *they* say I have; validation that I never requested?  Maybe it's because they have not treated me any different than before?  I'm so afraid of judgement.  I came to uni with every intention of choosing a positive identity for myself, in contrast to the negative identities I've aways forged (i.e. foster kid, crazy person, etc).  I think my identity within uni is that of the funny one.  No-one is tiptoeing around me, people still accept me, relationships haven't changed.  I think that is because I haven't gone round talking about my mental health constantly.  Maybe I never knew that you could continue doing positive things whilst struggling; maybe you can have more than one identity in one place?  I've never thought of it like that before (black and white thinking lol).  I have to be either funny, OR smart OR crazy.  Here, people see me as a funny AND smart person who has been *unwell* (I struggle applying 'unwell' to myself(?

There's a girl in my year who has issues - I suspect she has BPD (well, I'd bet my iPad on it), but I don't think she has a diagnosis as such and I can't diagnose her lol.  From day one, she has spoke of her mental health...she speaks of what she says are her problems, but with enjoyment.  I recognise this.  I used to do it.  She self-harms on her hands; she did tell me once that she cuts her hands so people will ask her what is wrong.  She happily speaks of her anxiety yet her behaviour doesn't match her words.  Her identity in uni is not that of 'crazy' but (I hate this term) as an attention seeker (we ALL attention seek!).  I can genuinely say I am happy I have chosen a positive identity for myself here.  I'm not slagging this girl off, by the way.  She's lovely and I empathise with her issues and i see the struggle she has ahead.  I am just working things out in my head.

I might go and see my tutor.

Thank you for reading

[bluemoon5]

Hi Toaster,

what strikes me reading this is how hard you are on yourself. The other thing is how much I relate to what you are saying. intuitive people, maybe your tutor is one of these can see some of the stuff we hold back, which especially comes out when we are stressed. You have moved on massively and you can see this by what you notice about how this other girl is. Don't loose all that you have achieved because things are tough. hard as it is this is a disorder for life, we go forward but sometimes back and the more we feel better the harder the fall I guess.

thinking of you, x

[Saharah Blue]

I use to think/feel that "being well" for work/school was all about propping up a social image. Now I see it as living as the person I want to see myself be to be proud of myself. Somewhere it shifted from doing it for "them" to doing it for myself.

I really like your update you have such a great way of cutting to the point, I resonate with that and find it really helpful. Keep up the good work, you have good insight TRUST IT!.

 

[toaster]

I didn't think I was being hard on myself at all there!  Sorry, can I ask what bit you are referring to please?  There's been lots of people this week tell me I'm too hard on myself and sometimes I'm not even aware - negative automatic thoughts and beliefs :/ 

My partner said last night that she thinks this particular tutor sees what she (partner) sees in me (what my partner would term as autism/aspergergers, what I would term as the results of neglect and delayed development).  So is interesting you said that.

i went to see her again and we had a chat. It helped.  Going to miss the staff so much from uni - my tutor said I'm one of those people they will never forget, because of where I've come from.  I believed she was sincere when she said this. 

My project supervisor was lovely as well. I guess also I expected him to be disappointed in me, rather than for me.  He said he felt guilty about my mark as he was expecting an A grade piece of work from me.  This is why I'm SO upset about it - I can get top marks.  I definitely get top marks in fucking things up...

saharah, my tutor told me to be who I want to be today, without all the shit in y head from others.  I don't know who I want to be though.  I know what, just not who.  Not really sure I know who I am, whether my current persona is that of the real me or displayed for an audience.

my partner would day my 'bluntness' is an aspect of aspergers.  Maybe it is.  However, sometimes it's good (like now).  I still manage to confuse the shit out of myself though :/

often, I access my insight...it often does t go further than that though (insightful statement

haha).  It's the puttiñg it into practice I have issues with :/

 

thank u both xxx

[Saharah Blue]

You don't need to know you are want to be to know how good it feels to be proud of your hard work. There doesn't even need to be a definition to getting started. You just said you know what you don't want to be, just by following that and being constant you are defining who you are. The hard part is trusting yourself to make good choices, but with such keen insight and self awareness you are getting there.

[Saharah Blue]

You don't need to know you are want to be to know how good it feels to be proud of your hard work. There doesn't even need to be a definition to getting started. You just said you know what you don't want to be, just by following that and being constant you are defining who you are. The hard part is trusting yourself to make good choices, but with such keen insight and self awareness you are getting there.

[toaster]

I make terrible decisions at times :/ I spent such a long time never questioning my beliefs and decisions based on those beliefs that I'm quite wary of myself. I overthink everything....I will think I've thought of all scenarios but then we can't possibly think of scenarios we can't imagine!  Demonstrating my overthinking lol.

im thinking about who I want to be and I keep thinking about how I want other people to view me.  I think it's ok to want to be liked, it makes us nicer people. If we were all only in it for ourselves, we'd be fucked (even more so).   But then I'm saying I want to be liked, so it's about me anyway...but if that doesn't harm others or even benefits them, then that's ok?

i have a friend on Facebook.  She works in tesco,  goes on the sun beds, goes on a holiday once a year.  She's a little bit ditzy...she's not thick, she just likes things simple.  SHE HAS THE RIGHT IDEA.  She is so happy in life.  Nothing is complicated.  She'd tell me to give me head a wobble if she read this lol.  

Sometimes, what I've thought as intelligence is all wrong - it's not being intelligent, it's being complicated.  But I can't stop.  I'm not intelligent.  I'm complicated, or rather, I make myself complicated.  

And this his is why I haven't slept for 3 nights lol