bluemoon5 Posted June 9, 2015 Report Share Posted June 9, 2015 For about a week I have had anxiety. In my stomach all the time, I feel sick, body hurts its basically physical and I am finding ut hard to bear. This is new for me, what can I do as I am thinking in terms of alcohol or cutting to get rid of it for a while. Yes its to do with things going on in my life. But I am feeling low and can't cope with this on top of it. I.think my body is telling me not to do therapy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted June 9, 2015 Report Share Posted June 9, 2015 I get this too blue moon I live in this constant state but don't listen to it, anxiety will try to fool you into thinking you cant do it when you can. You know what has triggered it so try and keep telling yourself that. I said too much in therapy today now I feel ill but if I can tolerate this it might help. Self soothing helps me even just eating junk and watching Winnie the pooh or coraline I love kids movies or just going for a wander around the shops or countryside if you live near it. It does ease big hugs hun xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon5 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2015 No now in crisis, and what the fuck , mght as well be bad, coz that's what it all amounts to the triggers, the concversarions all lead to the one truth I am bad, born bad, born to hurt others. Oh lord my children what a double bind. Can't leave them as this will.hurt them can't be their mum coz this fucks them up. What to do what to do. Fuck therapy they just make the truth more loud in my head. The truth I am evill. Simple truth I am bad and should not be allowed to be here. But I am here and scared to leave, simple truth too. So must self destruct, stop the hope. suggestions of aspds well that great it says all I ever knew. Sorry. Come close I will hurt you. How can someone like me go into therapy with a group of sensistive vulnerable people and not do damage? Its not right. if they wint stop.me I.must. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted June 9, 2015 Report Share Posted June 9, 2015 Im so sorry that you have gone into crisis bluemoon, but that does not mean that you are bad hun, it means you are struggling beyond belief, keep talking and try and let us take a load off for you. As for therapy, you too are a sensitive vulnerable person who needs and deserves help. I have never experienced anything but kindness from you, I know the feeling of wanting to lash out or inward, but a bad person wouldnt give a crap about the consequences to others, you do.Sending loving thoughts your way and hoping that the physical side of this passes soon so that you are able to deal with the lows that you are experiencing now too xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon5 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2015 Is no good daisy, I have to stop therapy, I can't be in a situation where other people can get hurt again because I am fucked up. It will be ok xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted June 9, 2015 Report Share Posted June 9, 2015 Don't give up. Tell them what you are telling us. Write it, text it, email it.... share with them. They may have all felt like that as well. Stay with the pain. You feel evil but you're not evil. I agree with addy. The anxiety is denigrating you. It's so hard bluemoon. I also feel that I am bad bad bad and I haven't been able to ask for help. I also feel physical pain :-( Today I repeated as a way to counteract the evil feelings "I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, ...." The pain got more intense and the anxiety as well. It was as if I was self-harming. But I didn't stop. I will say it every free moment I have from now on. Bear the feelings dear bluemoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon5 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2015 I dont have access to anyone until next week in prep for 5 mins so only got here.Rationally, I am evil its based on evidence its not a feeling. They know I am evil too. They, the staff, don't want me there. I will hurt the other vulnerable people in the group. I don't want to do this but i will thats why its evil and disturbed. It is bad enough I hurt my family, why go into a situation that triggers me into mean behaviour. It is about patterns and this is my pattern. nothing has changed since last time. I will do it again because I know I am doing it but don't stop. Its unfair and wrong on other people. I have managed until now I will survive and I can try to limit the harm I do. My children well I don't know what will limit the harm to them, staying or going but therapy wont help that dilema. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted June 9, 2015 Report Share Posted June 9, 2015 One part of you may be very angry and even sadistic. That's not the whole of you. You need a really strong adult part to hold that sadistic part back. Have you spoken with the therapists about it? Please ask for advice before giving up even if that is via email. People with bpd are at times sadistic and therapists may be able to help you.You sound so determined bluemoon but please consider speaking with Ts. Did they tell you they didn't want you there or you are assuming?Warm hug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon5 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 you know I am so sick of me. so tiring being me. so tiring but trying to keep some perspective. thanks Kara x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 It is hard bluemoon. It's so hard. Yes, perspective comes from the adult side of you. Big big hug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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