unwiring to rewire

[Kara.]

I have been very much in touch with ingrained feelings of being defective, flawed and basically bad. I believe badness to be my essence and I finally understand where my shame comes from. When I am in touch with these feelings my body aches. I want to stop the feelings. In defiance I told to myself one of these days "No! I am not bad. I am good  am good, I am good...". As I repeated to myself "I am good", my body started aching even more rejecting the words and the thoughts quite violently. "I am good" felt like fire burning my body from within, punching my body from without. I don't know if I will be able to go through this pain but I fantasise that if I do bear the pain I will feel less threatened by it and more compassionate (maybe even loving) thoughts will replace the other ones. It also feels that this is a very (maybe the most) damaged part of me that needs much healing. I fear that I may not be able to help and make her feel better. She's so little and feels so much shame and dread. Shame of being her. Shame of existing. She feels disgusting, ugly, abject, bad bad bad and therefore doesn't want to be seen. I'm so sorry for her. 

I guess I wanted to share my late experiences and welcome any experiences, ideas that were helpful or not. Whatever you may want to share. 

[Eagleheart]

You have just described how I am with myself. Its like 100% true of me. I feel relieved & disconcerted all at the same time. So,you are not alone & neither am I. In a strange way,this gives me hope.

 

Love & light hun. Xxx

[addy2]

I can relate in terms of hating myself, I have come to realise I sabotage my own recovery and once I make progress I will hurt myself or allow others too. It comes from the fact that i totally hate myself with a passion, I keep the punishment going if that makes sense? Whilst waiting for trauma therapy to start I was feeling a bit calmer but now its started one day of talking I set myself up to be hurt its not going to work for some sick twisted reason I choose to remain like this and I get angry when people suggest I'm strong and doing well, I'm not. I also feel I cant be healed and the part of me who was so hurt is the part I am now I live in her in this state of constant hurt and fear and probably always will. Big hugs Kara you are not alone xx

[Kara.]

Thank you eagleheart and addy. 

It's hard yes. I am understanding more why one sabotages one's own recovery process. It is a fight against oneself and it is fucked up. What people perceive as good, like being cared for and loved, is experienced as bad by me. By that defective part of me. It is a real fight. It's incredible. 

I'm pleased that you feel hopeful eagle.

I am very sorry that you don't feel hopeful addy. I do though. You spoke and that is kind of new, isn't it? Someone in here has locked herself at home when she wanted to act impulsively. Maybe this is something you can do avoid punishing yourself for wanting something better for you. It's very hard I now know. 

Hugs to both.