Starting recovery... scared.

[Bluehorizon]

Just came here looking for advice and to relate to others who may be in similar situation.

I have a history of mental health issues, depression, anxiety and a number of years ago was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I've been described as a 'high functioning' bpd sufferer in that I have somehow managed to hold down study or work whilst inside I'm an absolute mess. I had been on meds before and I will be the first to admit that I am reluctant to 'be doped up', always assuming it is just a state of mind and that I can 'think myself better'. It's now getting to a point where I know I have to get this under control.

I've been struggling with an eating disorder and have made steps to deal with that and it is slowly improving although I am not convinced that my progress means I am 'cured' as its not the effortless normality I have known in the past, still feel very anxious around meal times and social situation and still forcing myself into eating and telling myself to keep going etc, can be very draining but I am slowly getting there. On occasion my thoughts will cause me to blank refuse my own head and skip a meal, usually during times in my life where I feel to have lost control.

I have been to therapy in the past and there's been suicide attempts since my late teens. I never really got on with therapy and always felt that it was counter productive and only raked stuff up and made me feel worse without giving me any tools to deal with how I felt afterwards. I held back a lot in therapy and it mainly focused on eating, self esteem and dealing with anxiety. Just the things I was willing to disclose at the time and at my pace, never getting to the root of things. My sister and I were both sexually abused as children and she has done the whole therapy thing but I could never face it until now. I am struggling at the moment and now I am with a new therapist who is hopefully going to help me with what happened when I was young.

My personal relationships are causing me a lot of stress at the moment and over the past few years have been very up and down, partly due to being involved with someone who exacerbated my emotions and I am glad to be away from that relationship. New relationship I am now in is suffering due to infidelity on my part and I've just messed it up and the person is about to leave me so I am panicking and this is making all my other issues worse. I feel like I am spinning plates and trying to keep everything ok.

This week has been particularly bad with my mood going up and down, dramatically down and anxiety at a high. I had additional sessions at therapy as I have gone into it this time promising myself to ask for help if I feel my lows getting to the point of no return. The meds I am on now are yet to make any real difference but I am persevering with them.

Will share more in time. Thanks for reading.

 

[Kara.]

Hello bluehorizon. Welcome to the forum. It seems that you have a lot going on at the moment and I hope that you find some support in here. I'm also a high functioning bpd and understand how hard to look ok but be invisibly in pain. 

Take good care of yourself.

[Bluehorizon]

Thanks for your support Kara

I am feeling very up and down but holding it together. I feel at the moment I am spinning plates and that while I am trying to make everything ok, some things are not getting my attention as much as others. Not eating etc but it makes me feel more in control and less that life is 'happening to me'. Almost like I need something for myself that isn't out of my comfort zone. Hard to describe sometimes.

I have read some stories in other areas of the site and it did offer me some comfort that other people feel the same way. I have gone from thinking that 'everyone feels like this, don't they?' to 'omg no one understands'

I spent a long time not wanting to understand my condition as the more I read, the more it scared me and I wanted to distant myself from what was being described. After a very long time I think it has suddenly hit me that I can't run from this anymore. I am running from me.

I don't like feeling numbed out as I can't help but feel maybe I am missing out on life and nice feelings that I am denying to myself in order to block out bad feelings. Often feels like I have a filter that only lets the confused and bpd feelings through whilst denying me the chance to feel the deep-down feelings I have buried for so long.

 

[FaerieFires]

Hi Blue Horizon!

It's really brave of you to share some of your background with us all! Thank you for being so open, it's really inspiring.

I'm glad to see you've found some comfort in some of the other posts, seeing other people going through similar things always makes me feel less isolated too.

I've been in and out of services for about a decade now, and I'm only now starting my recovery as previously all the support I was given was about treating symptoms, not the root cause. Now I have a BPD diagnosis, I finally have a chance.

It scares me too, the more I learn about it. The criteria fits, but it makes me angry that it isn't real, does that make sense? It feels real, the swell of emotions is so powerful and overwhelming that the idea of it being a distorted reality really stirs up resentment in me.

I wish you all the best with your recovery, feel free to get in touch any time!

FF

[Mirlyn]

I applaud you for attempting to overcome your eating disorder and doing therapy. I know very little about bpd but I'm trying to learn as much as I can. 

 

When I overreact and get called on it by whomever I'm "battling" with I snap worse. Then when the "seeing red" dissipates I try to explain that when I'm in that giant ball of emotion I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling or saying, I'm in an emotional panic and I either fight or flee. There is no logic or reasoning. It's like being in an undertow and having to wait for the waves to calm overhead before I can swim up for air.

 

Good luck! Message me any time!

[angel tears]

Hi there and welcome to the forum, I hope that you are finding it helpful?. I hope that your meds kick in soon for you. I to hated to used medication but my moods and depression have been too severe for me to cope and I have realised that I need the meds. They should help if you can hold on. What are you on?. Hope therapy is helping. It's a very brave thing to do and I found that it really helped me when I decided to let me guard down and stick at it. Good luck x