What next?

[Bluehorizon]

I only recently joined here so I apologise if I am not posting in correct place.

I have been struggling with bpd recently and today has been a bad day. I recently started therapy again after many attempts before that never really helped. I always stopped going as it would get too much, too near the bone or I did not enjoy having to talk about painful feelings so I would simply quit and hope that I would feel better in time.

This time round I knew it would be different as I contacted my Dr to get on right meds and really want it to work this time. I also decided it was time to disclose sexual abuse from my childhood that I had never sought help for. Made excuses over the years, telling myself why I shouldn't bring it up, why it's better to keep it buried, why I will never feel better so what's the point in talking about it anyway?

My sister suffered the same and many years ago did speak out about it. We knew what the other had experienced and she tried to get me to speak out at the time she did as she sought to have this person prosecuted. Having seen all she'd gone through, I was reluctant to. She had been to therapy and always tried to get me to speak out about it. Eventually I know that she told family members as they suspected it may have involved me too. I always denied this. I just couldn't talk about it, I couldn't go to that place again and feel how I felt all over again.

I had a relationship with a woman I met online 5 years ago, we never met but I loved her very much and felt close to her in a way I had never before. It ended and my life was quite chaotic at the time, I lost my hearing and felt so out of control, struggling mentally physically with changes, was no longer studying and got together with someone around at the time. Struggled with eating disorder. That relationship later nosedived into an absolute living nightmare, she was very controlling and abusive, really messed with my head and I made some very impulsive mistakes concerning her, I wish I'd been strong enough to turn my back earlier, but I still don't understand why I let it get to the horrible point it did.

Then earlier this year this person online got back in touch with me. Rather than tell her the whole story through fear of being judged or criticised or even her rejecting me for being stupid, I told her half the story and had to lie about a number of things in order to keep her at arms length. I did not know we would become close again or enter a relationship. I made stupid mistake of sleeping with the awful ex and have recently had to confess to this and to things I was not truthful about, which naturally almost ended our relationship. We agreed it was time to meet and I arranged times and tickets etc

With being new to therapy and meds I have been very raw and up and down and just feel sort of distant and numb but then buzzing with anxiety and this feeling of dread and wanting to end it all. Our relationship has suffered and it feels like she is going to leave me. I am not sure if I am going to meet her now. Everything that's gone on with us, infidelity, lies, me being so messed up, her doubts and probably wanting away from my type.

I feel like everything is slipping away from my control. Even the food thing which I have made some real progress with, is beginning to slip back into my patterns of not eating and avoiding people. I was to take time to work on a letter to my sister and make this a basis on which I could work on my feelings and therapist said that it would at least mean I have a support network that is really lacking in my life right now. So instead of taking time to use the right words and bring up the past, I jumped right in there and as I wasn't able to express my fear and ask for her take on it, on our relationship, I sent her a really nasty message cos I got angry and scared. Maybe it was to chase her away so I don't have to deal with it. I don't know. My sister hasn't replied and I have apologised but she has probably washed her hands of me.

I told the woman I'm in online relationship with and she said it was harsh. I just don't know what to do. She has backed off from me, probably doesn't want to deal with me like this. I feel so hurt and lost and can't stop crying. I have therapy tomorrow but nothing feels right. I just can't deal with this, with anything. I finish up work at the end of this week for holidays and I am dreading it in a way as it gives me structure and keeps me on the straight and narrow and I will have too much time on my hands to think. I don't want to think.

Still don't know what will happen with my relationship as my heart is feeling it beginning to die, I blame myself and I know it will destroy me when she walks away from me. I am very nervous about us arguing in person, communication is going to be a big problem as she has only recently learned how to sign. So a lot of focus is on us being together. I am going to have to tell her about my problems and hang up when it comes to sex, she will not understand.

I am exhausted and just want to press pause and sit in a corner and cry until I feel ok again. I am a mess of emotions. I just want it all to stop.

[Bluehorizon]

Very little sleep and no further forward, just in cycle of thoughts, fear and regret and not knowing where to turn. 

Don't want to go to work. Have to. Therapy after and I am dreading it. Feel sick and scared. 

​Probably will not have contact with my gf today, she is fed up with me and cant deal with my emotions. I am thinking she is going to walk away. 

I will go to work and try to keep my mind off things. Worried about my sister. Still no reply. She is so dismissive of my problems, which I don't understand as she had therapy and had same experience as me yet she is 'fine'. It's like she doesn't understand why I am the way I am.

Feel very alone. Don't want to eat. 

[Kara.]

Hi Bluehorizon. Just to say that I heard you. I wrote in your other post. 

You have so much going on and I wish that at least part of those things get more settled. One step at a time. Therapy can be very distressing and trigger lots of difficult states. Be patient and keep on posting. Many of us in here have gone through similar experiences. 

Big hug Bluehorizon.

[Bluehorizon]

She has walked away from me. Am so numb and alone. 

[Kara.]

I'm so sorry about that Bluehorizon. I'm really sorry. Wrap yourself and be gentle with you. Treat yourself with compassion as you deserve it. You deserve lots of compassion and good things. 

Big hug.

 

 

[Bluehorizon]

Thank you