my bpd part

[bluemoon5]

I was wondering how many here actually say they have a bpd part, or behaving this way because of bpd, or say my bpd self as opposed to me x self. that sort of thing.

reason is that I do some rational things and irrational things and wondered if I did say my bpd part was in control  this would distinguish my behaviour/feelings/thoughts that are distorted from the normal ok parts of me and in turn help me work out what is going on? currently I just think I am a bad person at the core and cant compartmentalise me..

not sure what I am saying but interested in your views? do you name your irrational behaviour and thoughts as PD or BPD, or have another name or way of thinking about your distorted parts? does it help to do this if so how does it help? thinking maybe it would help me as I am so different at times its scary.

[walker]

we have different parts but they are not bpd parts

a part that is very unstable    often very upset, is also often very high and happy but she is     small so it would be normal to be like that

 

don't know

we think bpd is how we think and it affects different parts at different times depending on what is happening around us

 

[addy2]

I'm the same as walker I have different parts but not a bpd part but I understand what you mean. It might help you distinguish what's going on and maybe not feel all bad if you can say that. I don't understand my bpd or I can't separate it from me but it would be a useful thing to do. In dbt we are taught that two things can be present at once, no one is all bad, but good people can do bad things if that makes sense? If you were able to link a certain behaviour or way of thinking to bpd it might help you be more understanding of yourself xx

[bluemoon5]

sorry, I'm not sure I am understanding 

its not that I want a justification for the bad things, I want some way of being able to see when I am that mode that is self destructive and unreasonable. for 3 days I have been that person, every thought action everything has been in a paranoid destructive place, now I am clear headed and feel fine, the switch is amazing. switched  just because some things one person said and  my dog almost dying ealier today but being ok. the switch is stunningly different.

if I think of bpd as the destructive, paranoid self hating mode then maybe I can see I am in it before I end up doing something destructive. at the moment my control of it is zilch.

So whats different from that to having different parts. alters I am guessing you are meaning? sorry dumb question ....

[addy2]

sorry I didn't explain myself, what you said is exactly what I meant, if you can recognise when its happening then you can do something about it. Like I know my partner going places triggers abandonment for me which is a big part of bpd so when I react I can say to myself well I know I'm reacting this way cause I feel hes abandoning me and that possibly isn't the case same if someone is late or doesn't txt me back it helps to know it. I guess I see my parts as total opposites I have a dx of DID and I find it hard to understand I just know parts of me do things other parts never would. Also with alters you dissociate so you dont know your in another part and mine are so very different and only someone who knows me knows when ive changed and then i just feel somedays as if i have just came back from somewhere or other days everything seems different and unfamiliar and the scary one is when its noisy in my head and then it goes quiet like i have left Xx

[Kara.]

I also switch parts and I find it amazing how I can be so hateful and destructive for days and then... it all goes and i am back to other place in me. 

Seeing one part as being bpd and the others not might be very helpful, I suppose. I think that one has to do what it takes to preserve one sense of health and dignity. I think that my most destructive parts were formed as a reaction to intense repetitive situations that made me feel rejected, abused, extreme vulnerable. In a way they also protect me but it's just not a good way to do it. I have dealt with them with tolerance as i understand that they have protected me. But they are destroying me now and I think that i need to change strategy.

Sorry. Went off track. I give them names, so i can't see why you wouldn't say that some parts are your bpd parts. I think that if it helps you preserve some other more balanced parts of you... why not do it? I've seen others do it. People with anorexia do it a lot, for example. I also write dialogues between parts and try to have my adult as the facilitator. In this way i try to develop my adult part who is not always able to deal with the aggression and hatred of some parts and i try to integrate them together. 

I don't usually  forget that i have switched parts but i sometimes forget things that that part said after a few days. 

 

[bluemoon5]

yes i think that's what I am saying, sometimes the switch to vile/destructive me from nice me is really really tangible. I want to have the vile me be more grown up and be able to express the anger, hurt , paranoia without losing control, I guess that takes a lot of work and something for therapy, This part of me is I think, like you say protecting me but actually it hurts me.  also I can see the switch later when I have returned to the normal nice me but not at the time.  it,  a part of me, a named persona don't know yet. its more than a mood swing that's for sure.  

actually I wonder if I do see the vile part of me and this part is saying no way I aint going or listening to you wanting me to calm down or just stop talking, (shouting) its a bit scary really x

[walker]

yes

switch parts and know after it happens but don't notice at the time

sometimes it can just be moments

also can forget what a part has said/done for hours or days

not blacked out, just that part has switched off, or 'gone to the back of head' or 'gone back inside', and their words/actions are no longer what we just did

that is why posting/blogging is good

and also we keep texts and emails we send to unit because we have to read them later to 'recall' what was happening for us

they are not alters, or DiD,

BUT

like you say - they are much more than just moods - they have identity

 

[bluemoon5]

it seems that people think when I am in the destructive mode that I am the same person and that I have control over this. When I say I am not in control its not to avoid  responsibility for my actions but to try and understand why I can be so different and why it seems like someone else has taken over me. At the moment this mode has taken over a lot. I don't forget what I have done like you walker but I am quite amazed at what I did. its really not working in my best interests.

Sounds like you have worked out some way of understanding these identities/personalities/modes, does this help and do you think we should work on integrating them more or not. Are there lost of separate ones as I know you talk as we a lot of the time. sorry you might not want to say in a thread. 

[walker]

have read and will come back to it, sorry cant think it out right now

[Kara.]

I identify with what you wrote about your parts blueomoon. I am trying to start working with it in therapy and I will share anything that may help. I do have an emergency pack with letters that I wrote to the destructive part when I am not being destructive, with dbt strategies and eft videos, but I don't do any of it when I am being destructive. So this hasn't worked. If you guys have any tip please do share.

Hugs.

 

 

 

[bluemoon5]

yes Kara thanks, that's the same for me I can in my rational state say I am going to try really hard to not do it I still do it. yes working on it will be good, I think its a combination of understanding why as well as as trying a different way and techniques.

[Kara.]

Hope dear bluemoon. Hope. Hugs.

[Saharah Blue]

I do often refer to my BPD running the show, or not letting my BPD be in the drivers seat etc... Yes, despite the fact that personality disorders are complex because they are so enmeshed in who we are that is seem impossible for an outsider to ferret them out. I can see the difference between who I am when I am under huge strain, when I feel threatened, unsafe and not. I definitely can say when I am being the person I want to see myself be, I am happy with who I am.

I can feel when reality starts to slip away and some strange kind of episode starts sliding in and I turn jekyl and hyde unable to reel it under control fast enough.

I suppose what has helped me is to make a mental list of who I want to see myself be and that is my default. When I veer from that I know I need to address it and instead of hide, I am working really hard to take responsibility. I practice meditation to teach myself not to dissociate in social situations and I practice socializing in safe ways, like here or with my neighbors. I reward myself with doing things that I like and make me happy. like swimming, I permit myself to enjoy life so when I royally f*** up I don't have to feel absolutely ashamed for existing in the world. I know I have good qualities and unskillful ones and the goal for me is the default list., i.e.

1. I want to be a person that feels safe in the world.
2. I want to be a person that is not afraid to smile and say hi.
3. I want to be a graceful person.
4. I want to be a healthy person.
5. I want to be a person that doesn't feel they have to apologize for who they are, without coming across as arrogant.
6. I want to be a good listener.
7. I want others to know I don't judge them.
8. I want other to understand just because I have boundaries does not mean I judge them or need to over rule them.
9. I want to be kind, full stop.
10. I want to be confident enough to know that I don't have to overprotect my heart because it is truly strong and knows the way if I am willing to follow it.

The more I focus on being these things the clearer it is to me that yes my BPD, which I am happy to rid myself of is maladaptive. The emotional dsyregulation may always be there, but the response the rage the, pain, it doesn't have to be a sentence. That is where I am at in my journey in how to manage the BPD that I don't really want to have to call me.

[bluemoon5]

whow Saharah that's really inspiring thank you xxx

[DaisyChain]

I guess I dont really identify as having parts or bpd modes, especially right now, I guess that might change given the mood. I just feel permanently flawed.  I know there are cycles to my behaviour but I rarely like myself, just sometimes Im less destructive than others, sometimes I manage better than other times.

I'm sorry that this isnt a more positive post bluemoon

Thinking of you and hoping that you find the answers x