Splitting black/yo-yo'ing for control - am I crazy?!

[sheeba88]

Hey all, I haven't been on these forums for ages, except now I am starting to spiral again.

I constantly battle with "control" - am I independent? Am I too needy? If he texts me he loves me, if he doesn't then he can't. If he doesn't text me then I won't him either, why should I look like the desperate needy one. If he doesn't want to discuss moving in with me in the future, then how can we have a future? He doesn't want to take me to see his friends, and likes to do a lot of things on his own, which automatically means he doesn't want or love me. 

I can literally in my irrational mind write down a list of things that potentially could be read to think maybe we aren't good together, that maybe my insecurities and constant fear of rejection means I am unable to trust someone truly. BUT when I am in a good state of mind, when I see him and we connect, we kiss, we have sex, we laugh - I can see that he is very good for me because it challenges me.

The hard part - how the hell do I start sorting this out? I think subconsciously I react in ways to annoy him, though I don't realise I am doing it at the time for that reason. If he goes out with his friends, I will go out and get spannered. I am like a child - don't get just mad, get equal too. But what I do is worst! We argue and we both hurt from it. I thought today - relationships are great in the beginning, why? Because you have no crap history together, every argument we have - every single thing negatively we say against each other or do is saved, and more easily available in our minds than any of the nice things. How much crap history and arguments can relationships have? 

I am 27 now and my BPD is more present than ever, it feels even more deep rooted than it has ever been, perhaps because I have learnt alot about myself and about what makes me tick/triggers me over the years - but has it helped? Not particularly. I may not SH anymore (which is fantastic, nearly a year cut free in August!) But I think about it a lot still, I yo-yo constantly and the battle of whether I want to live or not goes on. I feel so alone sometimes, because I know he loves me, and I know he would never cheat on me, but I am terrified that he will realise one day that I'm not good enough and leave. And that makes me hate myself even more, because I am that needy desperate person I desperately don't want to be! 

Does anyone know how to tackle this feeling? Has anyone managed it? Any help is greatly appreciate. Ta x

 

[Saharah Blue]

I have found in my relationship we have to be willing to start each day over with a fresh slate, otherwise we a capable of some pretty nasty words and behaviors. In my previous relationship. My bf kept score and held every BPD moment I ever seemed to have had on file. So his behavior was always justified and he never had to change because I was the one in debited to him.

Every conflict has three sides your view, their view, and outsiders view. It takes work but the trick in life is learning how to put yourself in all 3 points of view and come to a place of understanding and kindness with each other.

When we feel undeserving of the love we find it does create huge problems, but when we behave in ways we know are skillful it helps to heal the wound of feeling unworthy, taking responsibility for our words a behavior are the best way to show this.

"Good facts do not cancel out bad ones, bad facts do not cancel out good ones" - Rick Hanson

I just read this this last week and it stuck. There is the grey areas in between the black and white and the more I am open to exploring and seeing those in others, the easier I find it to manage my interpersonal triggers.

Be willing to listen to those second and third perspectives because that can be key to calming down the bigger picture.