just great!

[lonelyheartemma]

The CMHT housing officer went to see the council to ask if I could be moved up the council housing list.

They said no. They think I couldn't cope on my own. They think I'm better off with my mum.

I'm really hoping the decision is partly because the housing officer had never met me and made certain incorrect assumptions. She told them they I don't know how to cook (completely untrue - my OT actually stopped my cooking lessons as she said I was 'very capable' and didn't need them) and my parents control my bank account (also completely untrue - my mum wants control of it but she can't have it and my financial situation is very good).

The housing officer also doubted that I have the intelligence to live on my own - apparently I have to have an intelligence test. Well I can't wait to wave my AS results in her face next month. I probably do give the impression of being stupid - even I believed I was stupid for years. But I'm not. I'm ignorant and immature and it's possible that will count against me but I'm not unintelligent. Maybe it was just a lack of tact on her part but she should be more careful with her words. I wanted to hurt myself right in front of her when she said that but I'm determined not to give in to those urges. I tried to tell her about my A Levels but she said I did them 'over ten years ago'. Well first of all I didn't do them ten years ago, I'm doing them now. Second of all ten years ago I was THIRTEEN! How old does she think I am, 30? There were more urges to resist after that comment.

But that isn't the worst thing. HOW can they CHOOSE to leave anyone in my current situation? To say I'm better off being abused and belittled every day?

Now they want me to 'take an adult role' by cooking the dinner three times a week. If I was allowed to do things like that I wouldn't be so desperate to move out! I did ask my mum about it and she said no. Cooking dinner is her favourite time of the day and she doesn't want me spoiling it. I don't find that unreasonable - I don't want to spoil her favourite time of the day. Favourite times of the day are important and I don't want to give her another reason to hate me. But my social worker doesn't understand that.

I'll be seeing my psychiatrist on Monday. The comments about my age and my intelligence will have to be put aside. They hurt but they're not important. It's all about the housing. The time I have is limited and I have to use it productively

[artemis84]

Firstly - nice to see you Emma  Sorry though that your post sees you feeling so troubled.

I have to say I entirely agree with you - what right do they have to make assumptions about your life and even more, to say you do not have the intelligence to live alone?? That is so hurtful.  What is the point in having these housing officers report back to the council if they don't report the FACTS?!

I hope you get a chance to correct them and change their decision.  

Just a thought - if your financial situation is good, why not consider renting privately? No-one would be looking for proof of your capabilities there...

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you for replying Artemis. It's good to see you too.

I have some sympathy with the assumptions the housing officer made. If my social worker said "Emma's mum won't let her cook" then the housing officer might have assumed I can't. But she really should have questioned my social worker further- "Can she cook?" "The OT says she's very capable."

My housing officer is willing to present my case again but she wants to have a meeting with my parents first. I might not have any choice about that but I find it slightly insulting that they have any relevance to this at all. Also she's going to think my mum is amazing because everyone does and then she's going to have even more trouble believing the things I say about her. I know what will happen because we've tried it before. We'll have the meeting. My mum will charm their knickers off and agree to everything they suggest. We'll go home and she'll complain about how stupid the housing officer is and that will somehow be my fault. Then we'll do none of the things the housing officer suggested.

I am considering renting privately. My social worker insists I can't afford it but she hasn't seen my bank statements! She did make one more reasonable objection however - she says most people don't like to rent flats to people on benefits. I don't know for certain that it's true but I could understand if someone was worried about that.

I pay £200 a month rent now and I would imagine that private renting would be at least twice that. But that doesn't mean I can't afford it. I'll have to be really careful and cut back but the main reason I spend as much as I do is because I get stroppy letters and phone calls if my savings go above £6000 so I work really hard to prevent that from happening. So I'm thinking cutting down on the unnecessary spending and donating will find a lot of the extra money. As my money is around £5500 almost all the time I could probably spend an extra £2000 a month easily. Does that make sense? I don't think I'm very stupid but I'm not very good with numbers.

My mum has told me to give them some of my money so they can look after it for me. I really don't want that but I was thinking about having a secret money stash and putting money in there instead of spending it.

[artemis84]

Yeah, I have sympathy with you about the meeting thing. I know from what you've said here before that your mum always pulls it out of the bag for officials but then never acts on it.  Have you told your social worker that?  I also think it's a little unfair that a 23yr old should still have to involve their parents in stuff.  Something similar happened to me when I was around the same age and my GP called my parents into a meeting with me and him to tell them that I was self harming.  What has it got to do with them??!!  I guess though that if you're living with them (as I was at the time) then maybe it does involve them regardless of your age. I don't know.

Yes it is true that some landlords won't take people on benefits but some do and I'm sure that if you could explain your finances as you just did they would be only too happy to let to you.  You probably have more money than a lot of people who are working! Your local CAB or even the council housing people should have a list of local landlords who consider benefit claiming tenants - it may be worth a phone call or two. I would ignore the SW's view on that - you can afford it and she shouldn't be holding you back.

[lonelyheartemma]

I've told my social worker so many times. There are so many things I have to tell her every time we meet. I don't know if she forgets or if she manages to convince herself I'm wrong. But I have to explain every time. I'm getting tired of explaining.

I'm shocked that your GP told your parents you are self harming - regardless of where you are living I would call that a breach of confidentiality.

I think they want to speak to my parents because they don't think I'm capable of communicating the things I want. They think they'd have more success. Actually I'm perfectly capable of saying it but I don't want to because I don't like the way my parents respond. They hurt me enough already without me deliberately saying something I know they won't like. If this meeting happens, my SW will be like "there, that was easy wasn't it? All sorted out now" as mh professionals have said in the past. But it will never be sorted out.

Maybe the only thing to do is to go through the indignity and humiliation (and later, pain) of letting them speak to my parents again. Then I can report back to them that it's the same as always, nothing has changed. But I don't want to go through that again. Why can't the professionals just take my word for it? Do they really believe I'm too stupid to realise that my parents are actually being really nice to me when they tell me I'm not a nice person? Are they doing me a big favour by letting me know that if I start being nice to people, they will like me?

I spend a lot more money on myself than anyone else in my family. That's one reason why I give so much to charity - because I have a lot more than I need but other people have nothing at all. (Only problem is I made a £200 of donations to three charities in memory of a friend's sister and my bank decided someone was using my card fraudulently and cancelled it! I suppose it was kind of them really but it was inconvenient not having a card when I buy almost everything online.) My parents say I have lots of money because they buy everything for me. But I know my mum lies about how much money they spend on me each month because she's told me two opposite things so they can't both be true! She's told me that I'm very expensive and I would really struggle without their financial support but she's also told me that I don't cost very much at all and £200 a month easily covers it.

[Data]

I think you probably are a bit immature, Emma - its not your fault, its just you have been in a sheltered, stifling environment.  I was similar.

You are intelligent though - that much is obvious from your posts.

I think that leaving home would be difficult for you but would do you the world of good.

I know what its like to have the parents charm the professionals.

[jimindigo]

Emma,could you not print your very articulate writing and hand to social worker?

Or email her if you have address?

[Lilian95]

There is loads of people looking for a place to live. I am assuming you are living with depression if I'm wrong tell me. Anyway other things do take priority like someone has to find a house because their life is in danger or someone is driving them out by breaking windows and lighting fires. To be honest someone did that to us and we are still waiting to be rehoused. You must be very frustrated.  Why don't you try cooking breakfast instead of dinner and proof yourself to be more independent by going food shopping, bill paying etc. You also need to be more mature, it is important if you want to live alone, and realise that unless you go out and rent a flat or a house yourself, it isn't easy. It is frustrating but using living with your mum as an excuse isn't going to help you. Unless there is proper domestic or emotional abuse it isn't considered detrimental to you health, okay your mum does sound a little controlling but from what I read it could be worse. Why don't you rethink what you said to that woman and call up and arrange another assessment but try and be clear so she gets it. Keep in mind that because your depressed they may be thinking you need someone around when you feel down, being alone might make you worse or if your on your own you might neglect your needs. They think these things because they are common in someone who is depressed and this is why they want you to be mature and do things for yourself to proof you can be independent.