Swings and rounabouts

[Bluehorizon]

I'm learning to try to take note of how I'm feeling and pause and recognise when I'm going down or when I'm having a good day.

OD a few weeks ago and I am still so ashamed and not really understanding why I went down that road. I am 'cooperating' with Dr and T as I guess I have to do as they say and convince them I am ok. I don't feel quite as 'urgent' as I did before, part of me is scared that my anxiety and desperation has subsided because of OD, like that was my way to cope, that it's something I may have to use again if I feel bad. Not sure how to put it. I'm scared that I did it as a self harm thing - and now I feel better. Like I may do it again and that's how I cope from now on. I don't want to be that person. Sometimes I think I know myself so well and then I do something and wonder where the hell that came from. So I am trying to see things before they happen, as I feel my emotions sometimes snowball and before I can jump in there to put the brakes on, its doubled in size and there's no stopping it.

Today in particular I feel a bit more clear headed. Been having big regrets about things I have done and people I have let down. Have trouble sleeping due to this. So many things I wish I could say to these people. Feel like I should keep my distance from people until I am 'better' as I sometimes feel like my chaos spreads out and drags in other people close to me. That's when I isolate. I'm still trying to work out with T if this is to protect me or them. I'm also having big concerns that I may lose my job because of how I have been recently. I am on holiday at the moment and hastily trying to come up with a Plan B in case I lose my job. I keep reminding myself that there is nothing at this moment that means I will lose my job and I try to tell myself it's just a fear and my Plan B will not be needed but I reckon no harm in having it just in case. It also means I have an option. I like to feel that I have options. But they are so chaotic, like I want to do so many things, like read all these books and get a big burst of motivation and it feels like I am getting a spark again and then it crashes into a new low.

I also went completely mental at a neighbour earlier today. They didn't indicate they were turning into the street as I was waiting to cross the road. I stepped out as they swung in and had to slam on brakes. I was so annoyed at them I banged my hands down on the front of their car. I don't enjoy when I get angry like that.

I just feel very up and down and not in control. Helps to write it out. Even though I'm not in control, it helps to be able to recognise the emotions and maybe get closer to reasons why.

[bluemoon5]

hi there, I recognise myself in lots of what you say. sounds like you are gaining some good insights. wish it could be all plain sailing for you but yes its sounds like there will be swings and roundabouts to come, but also sounds like you will get there x

[Data]

It annoys me when people don't indicate also.  And I am a car driver, as well as an occasional pedestrian.

 

I agree with bluemoon5, I think you are gaining good insight, and that will help you.

 

Does your work know about your mental health problems?  Some people disclose, but there are risks and pros and cons either way.

[Bluehorizon]

I get into rages but most of the time manage to keep them to myself. It's gotten me into trouble quite a few times. Not with police or anything, just people close to me.

Not had such a great day today. Felt quite fearful and upset and rethinking over the past. I thought about someone who was until recently very close to me after reading something in the news and wanted to contact them to tell them and try talk about it, knowing theyd laugh but I couldn't. I hate that I have ruined relationships because of how I am. I just want to tell all those people I am sorry and to thank them for being in my life. 

My work know some of my issues and my boss has always looked out of me as she knows I am a bit isolated but I feel that it would be letting her down to know the full extent. To know that I took OD would probably make her think I am not suitable for job. I go back to work soon and whilst I think it is good for me to have structure in my life, I worry I cannot cope as I have gotten worse. Also not eating well and feel like I'm not worthy of food, if that makes sense. Want to be able to sleep tonight so I am going to be drinking despite agreeing with Dr that i would try to abstain. Just need something of my choosing at the moment.