Lost in my own mind

[BigHeight]

I'm so lost in my own mind.

I don't even know where to start. I've cried pretty much every night for a good while now, I'm confused about alot of things, things keep playing on my mind and I can't shake them, this is why I end up feeling like I'm going mad.

I keep getting obsessions with people (like I used to and have wrote in previous posts), I've noticed I idolise these people, and I want to be like them, and how they are. I feel like I'm so lost, I don't know who I am anymore or whats me, and I see that these people know exactly who they are and I guess I want that. But also, these people show me kindness, and they make me feel like I matter. I'm also so lonely, I do work, and go out with friends etc sometimes but not a lot, I spend a lot of time on my own, and it kills me, its not always be choice, as I've got older my friends do their own things and it's hard to arrange things.

People also make me feel worse, by ignoring my texts, or calls.

I feel so fucking worthless, I'm living a life of misery and pain and everything from the past still haunts me, I wouldn't go to the doctors again now, I feel like people would think I did it just for attention and I don't want to feel any worse about myself than I already do.

These are difficult days for me, I've not experienced anxiety for a while yet these last few weeks I feel jittery in the morning and sometimes can't breathe. I'm so against myself at the moment which isn't helping me, I have no self worth and I just feel like shit about myself, I don't feel good enough and I know I'm not good enough.

I'm angry that there's things in my life I can't control.

There's just so much self hate, I want to live a normal life, and I'm sick of being stuck in this same cycle all the time.

 

[jenny1471]

Hi

I am sorry but I could have written this exact same post.. I mean, literally to the word. I don't mean to turn this in to be about me one bit, but genuinely.. I idolise some people. People (normally older females) who are in relationships and have that 'ideal family' on the outside.. maybe with children etc. I have been known to obsess about them and need them to show me that I matter. Really because I have no self esteem or sense of identity so if I can matter to them then I must be ok! I too am completely sick of the cycle.. the never ending shite. Things being out of control and the utter shame of going to see my GP (although I managed to on Monday.. urgh). 

So yes as I say I'm sorry to just write about me but really I wanted to say that I do relate. I am having psychotherapy and, needless to say, have become attached to my therapist. But the good thing is that we are working through the feelings. it's very very difficult but worthwhile. Are you in any sort of counselling or therapy?

Sorry this reply hasn't helped other than possibly to let you know you're not alone

x

[BigHeight]

Hello,

Thanks for your reply.

It's actually really comforting to know your experiencing what I am, mine too is ALWAYS with older females, and I get kind of jealous that they go home and spend time with their children and family because I want to be with them (selfish and weird I know!)

It seems after you get over the obsession (it takes a long time) somebody else takes your fancy and it starts allover again, and not being with them is the worst part!

If you don't mind me asking what is your therapy mainly for? I'm not in therapy no, I hope you get the help you need tho, it's nice to know I'm not in this alone! x

[jenny1471]

Hi

Yes completely.. I have fantasies of what others' lives are like. So I imagine what my therapists life is like.. I've seen her husband and the therapy is in her house so I see a little bit of her life, but of course in my mind her life is 100% perfect.. great children, great husband, etc.

But I do know logically that she is just a human being. She shits like the rest of us! (I've told her that too!!) so yes I do talk to her about my attachment and my fantasies about her life. But also that it's more that it's my jealousy and wishful thinking for myself really. But whenever I enter a relationship I am never happy with them.. I end the relationship because it doesn't fit my imagination of what it should be, and I can't do relationships. ARGH.

The therapy is psychodynamic therapy so she works with attachment.. to be honest in my very first appointment with her I said that I needed to work on attachment issues as I was aware this was causing me major issues. So I guess I am there for attachment issues but as with therapy, it turns out I'm there for a lot of different things.

Again, sorry this reply is about my experience.. I know it can sometimes help to know you're not alone. It doesn't make it any less painful and difficult but possibly good to know that there are reasons for the thinking/behaviour and hopefully a way out of it.. hard work but possible.. hopefully!

x

[BigHeight]

Don't worry, I'm happy to listen to your situation, it's definelet relatable.

I also get jealous, the obsession thing hits me very hard. I end up spending my days wondering what their doing, when I'll next see them etc and I end up being paranoid that they know I have some sort of obsession with them. But I think of there life so much that I don't live my own life, and I don't know who I am on my own if that makes sense.

I like to think it's just admiration and seeing something in that person that maybe you want to be like, good traits etc, and the way they think.

I hope the therapy helps you x

 

[Kara.]

I get jealous too of people. In fact yesterday as i started to be jealous of my  friend I noticed that it felt as if I had gone out of my body as I was so focused on her amazing life. I told myself: "No no no. Come back to yourself and reassure you that you too have good things". I think that the problem is one not being able to value one's qualities so we not only admire and envy others' qualities but in the process we give our own good qualities to the person we envy and we are left with nothing good. 

I am also jealous of my T's family. I want to T's child and experience the ideal family. And I want to be like some older women too and be as amazing as they are. It's so much easier to think that one is shit and the others amazing than accepting and feeling that one is also good and amazing. Personally, because I was made to believe that I was not good it is very  hard to actually think that I may be ok. The hardest thing that I am trying to do. The nothingness that I feel, due to not having had a good enough mirror, is so much harder than thinking that others are good and I am not. It's easier, for me, to think that I'm not good than to feel that these people around me couldn't love and protect me. The insecurity that this creates is immense and maddening. 

Agree with Jenny. Therapy is something to look for. I do Schema Therapy. 

Hugs.

[BigHeight]

I think it's hard to see good qualities in ourselves when we see many in those we admire, I sometimes wonder why they talk to me when there so good, and I am not. Do they see any qualities in me? I try to feel better about my life and myself, but I get so wrapped up in their lives I can't find anything good in my own.

 

Sad really.