Family issues

[jamie2011]

I am really in need of advice, literally have no one to turn to at all. I have mentioned many times the difficulty I have with my mum and family, but I don't know what to do anymore. It got bad around March and I cut all contact with my mum. A mum of a friend of mine met with me a few times and she offered to speak to my mum regarding gender identity. I had enough of my mum telling me to get my hands out of my pocket, to wear earrings, complaining about what I wear or if I cut my hair. A few days before my 30th my friend's mum, with my permission called my mum. I then got a call from my mum and she refused to discuss anything about gender and went on about how sensitive I am, that I don't make an effort when I dress. I got so upset, I ended the call. On my 30th all I got from my mum was a text saying 'Happy Birthday', not anything but that. On my birthday I literally got 2 cards and only three people wished me a happy birthday. The next day I posted a letter(very long) to my mum telling her how I feel. In the end I didn't see her again until June, because my uncle asked me to go round to see her because he was worried she wasn't coping.  So me being worried ignored my feelings and went to see her. She told me how nasty my letter to her was and that I said she is a bad mother, but good with the grandkids and children she works with. I ignored it to be polite and save any further arguments.

Then a few weeks ago, she started to fall by the wayside, I knew she couldn't stay friendly and caring for long, so again I stayed away. I emailed my uncle saying I had enough of how she is behaving and I am done. The reply I got was "oh you sound on a downer, hope you feel better soon..". I stayed away for about 2 weeks, but was so lonely I went to see my mum. In that time I got no invite to my nieces school leaving assembly (leaving primary) and things had turned again. My mum made me put earrings in after 5 months of not wearing any. She told me I cut my hair to punish myself, that she believes I am a woman and nothing else. She has told me to get my hands out of pocket. Then just a few days ago said that at times she thinks that they family have another x, which is my mums sister who cheated on siblings with their partners, lies about illness, has never worked and steals from family/people. My mum basically said I am as nasty as her. I knew she felt this and I now she has vocally said it, I had suspicions but now it is out there. Obviously this is not all of it. What happens is she comes across all caring and draws me in and I fall for it every time. I have a sibling who lives abroad, we have not seen or heard from them in 6 years, they don't want to. Yet my mum is sending them a birthday card even though their birthday has gone and they have not once acknowledged us. Yet I don't even get one and every birthday/Christmas/mothers day without fail I get her a card and gift.

She has been telling me I blow everything out of proportion and exaggerate things. When she bumps into ex work colleagues of mine she will say to me "they asked after you and I just say your fine, I give them nothing", she tells me I talk to too many people, she wants to know what I have said to others, if I am texting she wants to know who I am talking to. She tells what I am not allowed to say to anyone.

I don't know what to do, I have no one in my life, only one sibling I see, but that is only once this year, they only contact when my mum can't get hold of me, otherwise they wouldn't bother. I cannot talk to them about our mum, because they just say "that is how she is deal with it". I literally am so isolated it is serious. I need to talk to someone, but there is no one, especially with the fact that my mum has warned me she will confront ex work colleagues if she suspects they have said anything.

I have just had enough, my mum is my only contact and she uses my mental illness as a reason for my behaviour eg being angry with her and that I am nasty. Truth is I wish I could tell her some home truths. Like she is telling me to keep quiet about my father being abusive (sexually) and she left him to look after us when she was at work. She saw an incident when I was younger than 2 yet for the next 9 years we were left alone, well you couldn't have been that concerned. Talk about looking after the welfare of your children. She doesn't want anyone to know because it shows her up as not doing the best in her children's interest. Yet I don't rub that in her face all the time, I try and think of why she didn't act on and what may have been difficult for her.

I just know if I don't have contact with my mum, I will be so isolated that I will go as low as you can get, I've seen the crisis team more than 5 times already this year. But if I see her I have to keep my mouth shut and try to please her.

[bluemoon5]

I wonder if its the last sentence you need to change, if you don't see your mum then its time to find another way to have some social contact, maybe it will take time but its possible, social media for a start is a good way to make contact with people, there are many more opportunities to chat to like minded people.. I know it will be tough but she isn't going to change so time to find a way to be you without her. I have tried for 30 years to get on with my mum, as long as I accept her lack of interest in me and do things with her she likes its ok but trying to find any kind of emotional support from her just leads to me feeling like I am invisible. xxx

[jenny1471]

Hi

Sorry that you're going through this, it sounds very difficult. I do hear your fear of being alone without your mum and I think it's natural that you/we/people want and crave a relationship with our mothers.. but I wonder if it would be worth looking at what a realistic relationship with your mum might look like? I mean, maybe a relationship where you can agree how many times to see each other and under what circumstances so that maybe you won't feel so hurt after seeing her. 

Have you been able to talk to her about how you're feeling at all? I don't know if it would help to talk to her or to get some therapy for yourself if that is a possibility, but I really do hope that things work out for you. It sounds like you're going through so much and I'm glad that you posted here, and hope it helped

x

[jamie2011]

Thanks for the replies, situation has literally exploded. She has been annoying me even more, she kept texting random things, purely because she cannot cope with no contact. I text back and said if she continues to text random things to keep tabs on me, then I will end up ignoring things and her even more. Yesterday I had a session (whilst on waiting list for therapy) and obviously it stirs emotions. Last night I emailed one of my siblings. We never have conversations with each other. I have only seen them once this year and we have almost no contact. I basically spelt out the situation and that I am not taking it anymore. That they don't have to respond, because I have said how I felt before and everyone seems to protect my mum's feelings regardless of her behaviour.

Then I get a text from my mum this morning asking how I am feeling. This is her ignoring the real problems and getting it into her head that I am not very well mentally. Her excuse for everything. I replied "I am perfect", then my phone starts ringing, its my mum and I ignore it, it rings a second time, then I get a text saying "are you being funny". I said "no", to which she replied "why are you not answering", so I told her that I had already ask she back off, because the more she keeps contacting the more I will pull away. That I keep my mouth shut way too much because I thin of other's feelings, which she cannot do. Basically I got "thanks for the message, can you please get my tickets for when I go and see x". We were both going to visit my sibling and nephew. I booked the tickets for both of us. So I told her, if you I am nasty I might as well be nasty and be called it for that reason and no reason at all. That she can visit my sibling/nephew then and once again I am the one going without. This has happened many times, with my nieces too. Last message I got from her, is it's my choice and I only miss out because of my choices and that I punish myself all the time and need professional help. I was furious. Went to text my sibling, but realised because I had a new phone the number hadn't been transferred over. In the end I sat and texted my siblings partner lengthy texts telling them they can take care of my mum now and I am not putting up with her manipulative, controlling ways. That everything I say or do is because of my mental health. I am not in the right frame of mind. I am so worked up and the worst thing is I have to wait until end of September before I see the therapist again. I literally have no avenue to go down. I cannot afford private sessions, everything else has long waiting lists. I have a housing support worker I see once every two weeks, but this is not within their job specification. No family to talk to,  because I just get the whole "your mum is getting on now" or "she has had so much go on in her life", "she cares so much about you", good for all of you, because you don't have to see her or spend time with her. I mean last week she texting me asking what her GP Surgery number is, I haven't been there in over fours years. So then I had to look it up for her. Otherwise she would have been in a mood. Another day she was out and she text me asking if I could make a smoothie for her at hers, so that when she got home before work she could quickly drink it. I'm not doing this anymore. I want to talk to someone about this, but she has drilled it into me not to discuss things with anyone, because everyone knows someone. I think she is just scared of what people will think of her.

I am at a real loss as what to do. I don't expect a reply off my sibling or their partner, because they are out of the area and like my mum says, they have their own life again drilled into me. I have this feeling that from now on I am well and truly alone in this life and I have to fight on my own.