Some thoughts about me

[Data]

Moods, anxiety and stressors

In the past I've concentrated a lot on the causes of my stress.  Usually work, my family (which is a bit dysfunctional), and my relationships.  At a particular moment in time, I feel stressed or down or angry, and I blame it on a series of causes.  Often its 4-5 things and it overwhelms me.

Now I am thinking differently.  The moods are usually short-lived.  The next day, the next few hours, things clear up.  But usually, those problems are still there.  So if they caused the mini-crisis, how come the mini crisis is over?  I am beginning to think I'd have mood swings and anxiety, even if I had very little stress on me.  I might blame those things for triggering me, but perhaps its just something inside of me.

I'm not saying its a "chemical imbalance" - I know the causes, I had a messed up childhood, I grew up emotionally immature.  

But lately when I feel down or anxious, I don't attribute it to any particular cause any more, I've just come to accept that this happens.  The problem is - I don't deal with it very well.  I catastrophise.  I eat huge amounts of alcohol.  I binge drink.  Healthy coping mechanisms don't seem to work.  So I don't know where this new way of thinking is going to get me, but I'll stay with it for a while.

Banter

Banter is something  I have a big issue with.  I find it hard to know when people are being serious, or joking.  And sometimes you get "serious banter".  There is a manager at work who the boss thinks the sun shines out of his arse, and lots of people like him, but I just think he is a twat.  He moves from small talk, to teasing, to talking about serious things, and layered on top of all this is the banter.  I don't know when he is being serious or not.

Often I observe that the jokes I make with other people, although I find them funny myself, are regarded by others as corny, cheeky, strange or even sometimes mildly offensive.  I find people's humour difficult to understand. 

Normalisation and my view of myself

When I was younger I was strange, and I caused huge problems in many places with my bad social skills.  I was offensive, inconsiderate, selfish, boring, clingy and manipulative.

Now (that I am 42) I have learned more skills.  Part of that learning is watching people's reactions.  When people recoil in horror, or look at me in fear, or look puzzled, or laugh at me in a kind of disrespectful way, I know I have said something wrong.  I can use that to learn and adapt.

Now I have normalised enough to have a job, and to be a good father, and to run a successful hiking club.  I still don't have any close friends though.

A big issue that I have now is that when people react negatively to me, I don't know if its my problem or their problem.  Is it a hangover from my younger days, and am I being an idiot again, or perhaps its just a normal, healthy social interaction?  There are huge varieties of people out there, so we all have different senses of humour and communication styles.  I can't fall into the trap of thinking that I just lack confidence and that everyone is "normal" and I should just "be myself" though, because in the past taking that advice has led to disaster.

If you reveal the contents of your head, and that is silly or offensive, then that can cause issues.  I've also got into trouble though for holding things back.  My manager has been able to tell that I am keeping anxieties about work issues inside.  And I am a skilled software developer.... if I have a worry that the process isn't going to work, they want me to articulate it, not to keep it inside.  And also, holding things back can lead you to be a doormat, and open you up to being abused by others.

So I often don't know how to behave, I don't know whether to let the mask slip, it makes social interaction stressful.

 

 

[jenny1471]

Hi

Thank you for sharing this.. I hope it's ok to respond. I just wanted to say that you've got great insight in to yourself and being so open with yourself and others can be difficult, so well done (not meant in a patronising way!).

I hear your struggles and questions and can also relate to the difficulties around having a messed up childhood resulting in some difficult questions. I struggle at times with banter but mostly with relating to people and forming/keeping friendships. 

Sorry I don't have too many words but I just wanted to reply to let you know that I've read and I hear you 

Jenny x

 

[Data]

Thanks jenny.

 

For the last few days my mood has really dipped :(.

[jenny1471]

Hi

Oh I'm sorry to hear that Data.. has anything helped in the past when your mood has dipped? If it helps to 'talk' (or write!) then we are here

Jenny x

[Data]

Drinking helps in the short term, but in the long term it is very harmful and going to end my life prematurely.

Distraction helps.  I like computer programming, walking, watching youtubes, cuddles with my wife and kids, and talking to friends.

Perhaps one day we can speak on the phone, jenny1471.  I don't mind if you withhold your number :D.

[jenny1471]

Ha! 1471 and 1571 are great

I hope that you're able to distract tonight.. sounds like you've got some good things there that can help. Is your wife aware of your dip in mood?

[Saharah Blue]

I am working on the social thing in my work world too, in the past I have always been super private about my personal life and not let much slip or act emotion at work. I try to be polite and professional but it doesn't always work and maybe that is because it feels too fake to the other person? In my job now, I am more openly myself than I have ever been in any job in my life and I have to say I really don't like it. People tell me stuff I don't want to know about, share too much for my liking, I feel uncomfortable that my guard is so low that my irritability spills all over because I feel like they take it personally after they have just told me the day before they are having a baby or their ex wife was a real bitch etc..

But there is suppose to be this balance where you let little bits of self slip out  to show you are human, without using as a crutch or excuse for not being professional and efficient. It helps me to work in teams because people can relax more for the sake of getting the project done. But I find it difficult too.

As far as the negative thing goes, it might be some of each, them under too much strain and yourself thinking you have some how done wrong when you haven't. I use to share an office with a co-worker that had ADHD and he really wore me down with his issues and pushed me to my limits of tolerance. But I have shared work spaces with totally negative and sour personalities and have had little to no problems with them.

[Data]

Thanks for the reply Saharah.  I am in a public computer in a library on holiday and I'll re-read this in a few days when I get home.

[Data]

I am working on the social thing in my work world too, in the past I have always been super private about my personal life and not let much slip or act emotion at work. I try to be polite and professional but it doesn't always work and maybe that is because it feels too fake to the other person? In my job now, I am more openly myself than I have ever been in any job in my life and I have to say I really don't like it. People tell me stuff I don't want to know about, share too much for my liking, I feel uncomfortable that my guard is so low that my irritability spills all over because I feel like they take it personally after they have just told me the day before they are having a baby or their ex wife was a real bitch etc..

But there is suppose to be this balance where you let little bits of self slip out  to show you are human, without using as a crutch or excuse for not being professional and efficient. It helps me to work in teams because people can relax more for the sake of getting the project done. But I find it difficult too.

As far as the negative thing goes, it might be some of each, them under too much strain and yourself thinking you have some how done wrong when you haven't. I use to share an office with a co-worker that had ADHD and he really wore me down with his issues and pushed me to my limits of tolerance. But I have shared work spaces with totally negative and sour personalities and have had little to no problems with them.

To me being professional and polite can feel fake to myself, I find it hard to imagine how things make others feel (which is probably part of the problem). I am sorry that people are sharing too much with you.  I think if you share personal stuff at work the responsibility is yours to ensure the time, place and person are appropriate.  And to take it gradually and then try and gauge whether you have gone too far.

[Saharah Blue]

I suppose I just don't feel comfortable sharing at all. I don't mind a bit of humor but otherwise I don't want to feel like I need to say anything about me just because someone has shared with me. For me gauging what I am willing to share is new territory because my default has always been none, now I am walking that grey place and of course it feels unnatural. Just like you saying to don't want to do the polite/professionalism because it feels fake.

I look at it this way, a medical Dr. would work to develop a bedside manner as a med student, he would be taught to recognize the social interactions required to get his job done. That is how I look at professionalism, this is the language and behavior associated with my profession. I feel comfortable with etiquette so I feel comfortable in that zone.

I suppose we both have that social grey are we are now in. I know to be more successful in my career I am going to have to learn to refine it. I wish my parents would have put me in finishing school, lol.

[Data]

I think I am the opposite, I tend to want to share and I share too much.  Sometimes this makes people react badly - I am boring them, or getting in the way of their job, or sharing things they otherwise don't want to hear.  So life is a constant learning curve for me as well.