Audrey_Hepburn Posted August 2, 2015 Report Share Posted August 2, 2015 This will be a long post... I wonder how life looks like to those without BPD? I see my family and friends having even worse things in life happening and they still find a way to move on, things to hold on to.. And I'm like barely having a strenght to survive a day!I hate my job, more ans more with time and I already began losing control there, my boss was caring but aksed me to seek psychiatric help. I am fuckingfucking tires of hearing "feel like you have a job!" I try to meet up with friends to distract with my depression but it usually makes it worse. I hate pretending I'm ok all the time, it's sucking my energy. I tried to reach out to some of them, but as much as they want (they arw good people, really) they can't undestand me, and sometimes tell me I am too much for them with my negativity (and it's understanding, tbh, as much as it hurts and angries me). No friends I can relly on. My family is screwed up, psychologicaly, worse than me. So I live with my grandparents, and love them to the bits, but my grandad has parkinson's deases and it's really getting worse, and it hurts me but I am doing nothing to help him, or my grandma who is taking care of the house, him and me. I just lay in bed whole day and pitty this so called life of mine. I don't do housework, as I am lazy piece of sh*t and I know I should, but I barely get the strenght to get out of bed when not going to work. I was trying, really. To find a hobby, tries various things, but got bored really quickly. I tried some sports to get activated, ans which I loved , but got bored and hate them now. Tried mindfulness, didn't work out.. I tried going out with friendsfriends, but I want to cry and feel awful and when I'm out with them I just act like it's all good for me and it kills me from the inside. Tried to change my occupation, but got uninterested ... AGAIN!Had a great, amazing man by my side, the ONLY thing/person in my life ever that made me learn what happiness is, to see that life can be beautiful, to see the future, to feel loved and give love back, to have a best friend and a lover at the same time...My safe place, my happy place... He is such a great soul, my God, he is rare, a pearl, gives you back your faith in human race, love, romance... I know that most women think it is impossible to find a man to treat him like he treated me. But they exist. I had my proof. And I didn't know to cherish it..IOf coursecourse, our relationship had it brilliant moments, and of course, the darkest ones. I treated him so bad, it will forever haunt me, the pain in his eyes and face when I hurt him (I couldn't control myself, although it was killing me when I hurt him), and it still pains to remember. I tried to change my ways, and I did most, but not all... My paranoia, jealousy, splitting, obsessions were killing me too. I was hurting both. I treated him bad even after I was on a "really good path of recovering from BPD" because my fantasy obsessions were overwhelming me and therapy wasn't helping that. After aa mutual break upup, I was hoping without him, I will learn more.about myself, get better and then we could be together. I knew how much he loved me and how much he has been with me, sonI thought we must be together again.Yet after 4 months of.break up, we talked, he still loves me, cares for me, but doesn't want to fet back for the sake of both of us, as he says... At one point I understand him, as our relationship was crazy toxic , but then I think if you really love someone you should fight for them... Yet, I love him so much, I realizes many good things happened to him while we weren't together, I am.probably bad for him and should let him be happy. Because, I am aware I can't promise not to hurt him again...And I don't want to!! I want him to be happy! Why can't I be a "normal" girlfriend? Why can't I put up with my shit and make him happy? Why am I such a freak???I really thought it will change. I will be better, I will have a normal.life.. BPD won't haunt me much longer... at least that's what my therapist said, and I believed him.....untill he tried to have sex with me after 4 years of working together... now I found another one I can trust, but he is a friend of my ex, and I don't feel I could talk to him about my ex and that's my main issue...so I will stoo working with him.. Nobody else I could trust in the world of psychotherapy in my area... either fakes, either friends of my ex therapist...I decided to quit it all... I see no light...I know treating BPD depends on severity of the disorder, it's different to all of us, on going to therapy and on the circumstances.. So all those stories from BPD recoveries dsdon'tn't give me hope. It's all to fucked up! Complicated! I was trying, fighting, believing... I don't anymore... And as I described above, I know it seems like I am not trying enough, but I really don't have anything to hold on to...nothing interests me or fulfills me Suicidal thoughts came to mind again (had one attempt 4 yrs ago).. Feel stuck!Am I to blame? Probably! But I blame this fucking mess of BPD that destroys me! I blame it! I thought I could win it, but, guess I was wrong... I do believe borderlines can get better, but not me, not anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 I hear you.. I really, really do hear you and can relate to a lot of what you've written. I'm sorry things are so difficult and you feel so stuck.. I'm thinking of you and hope that you're able to reach out to someone you can trust for help x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey_Hepburn Posted August 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 Thank you, Jenny!I hope for that too! It would save me! But still can't find anyone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 Bpd is so drastic and dramatic. One can't take in what one needs the most even when that is right in front of us. I'm sorry that it's so hard right now Audrey. I too hope that you will find someone trustworthy to help you. I still believe that there is a way to recovery with lots of hard work and right circumstances and I wish that you find them. You were working very hard, I remember well. And you were hopeful. Please do not let it all be taken away from you. It's by discovering our true difficulties that we can work through and with them. Unfortunately, these can be incredibly painful as you well know.Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey_Hepburn Posted August 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 Thank you... I think the biggest issue is that everything is happening all at once... Miss my ex so much, I can bearly breath, and it devestates me to think we could be no more... I am scared to death of that thought... Like it can't be real, like it can't be happening... And all this with my therapy.... Why did this happen? I am desperately seeking for something to lift my spirit up just a little bit... Hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 My absolute first thought to all of this is, you need validation and you are not getting it. That is why none of it works because you are not being seen and it is wrecking everything you touch.I see you, I see your heartache and pain and need to feel like when you try and take a step in the right direction that there is someone that gets it. Posting here shows you are wanting to be seen, I want to just say, I see you, I see your pain, I have been there and sometimes still am.offering love,Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey_Hepburn Posted August 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2015 thank you, sah! this site means a lot.... I've beem here for more than 5 yrs... sometimes I ashamed I not getting better but I guess I had a bad luck... with my therapist and stuff... it's hard to find someone to understand you when, no matter how much people love you, frienda and family, they get tired with my depression, mood swings and apathy... thanks to everyone of you who read this post evem it was too long Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mirlyn Posted August 11, 2015 Report Share Posted August 11, 2015 I feel exactly like you do most of the time. The only difference is I found a fulfilling career that I excel at and get lots of praise so that helps for 40 hours a week but the rest of the hours that are left leave me feeling out of control. I only recently looked into BPD and it all makes sense but the psychiatrist doesn't want to diagnose it, not sure why. I just broke up with my boyfriend for all the same reasons you listed above and I know when I'm being rational and logical that we are TOXIC for each other but it still takes every ounce of control I have not to call his phone 20 times or text him all day. I hope you find something that can help you feel validated and I hope we can both get over losing the loves of our lives due to our irrationality and emotional roller coaster selves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey_Hepburn Posted August 11, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2015 Mirlyn, maybe you are to early on therapy to fwt the diagnosis for sure... Many therapiststherapists wait months to make sure BPD is the right diagnosis.. I so.sorry to hear that, because as you know, we undestand how it feels like, and dear god, I wouldn't wish it toy worst enemy... I know the exact same feelimg about what you said of your ex... about wanting to call and text... I feel you.. Glad to hear you found something that fulfills you... I am looking for that someone still... And congrats to that, and for being successful in it! Well, well done!!Are you in therapy for long, does it help?, Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
col Posted August 20, 2015 Report Share Posted August 20, 2015 Audrey I was just wondering if you are now better with the whole break up ex thing now?I had a very similar situation my ex.... He is the sweetest most noble person in the world and would have loved me even with my BPD and crazy abusive behaviour if I hadn't broken up with him to be with someone else, always believing he would be there for me when I wanted him back. He doesn't want me back, at first he was nice about, now I pushed him to his very limit and he has blocked me from fb and his phone. After basically stalking and threatening to tell everyone his secrets and hitting bottom I was a little bit bettter at understanding he doesn't want to be with me and doesn't love me anymore... But now i'm thinking about all the good times together and I can't stop thinking about calling him and begging him again to give me one more chance. Does this go away at all?? will I ever be able to not want to talk to him?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bo Posted September 6, 2015 Report Share Posted September 6, 2015 Oh my god - I can so understand what you've all said. I've done it with all my relationships - lovely guys who I've pushed away by not nowing how to behave or share my pain with them until it's to late, then beg them to come back. BPD is hell - you can't explain to anyone unless you've been through it - it effects every waking moment and I feel on high alert at all times. Loneliness is the hardest thing, but being with people can be the scariest when trying to fit in. I think we are actually so strong (I don't tell myself this) but we keep trying to change - it's finding someone who can show us how!lets keep hoping that we will!i hope you get the help you deserve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carthraziel Posted September 10, 2015 Report Share Posted September 10, 2015 I read your post Audrey and I can relate ot most of it, I was in that position a few years ago.I terms of getting better or looking for something that will lighten everything for a while... it is difficult. Not because it's impossible but because you probably could find something that helpd but you will crave that feeling so much that eventually it will not work any more and you'll have to find something else.Sahara Blue has it right though, if you are unable to validate your emotions you will never get better.An overview of leanring to validate your emotions:How you automatically react "I am so tired..... I should help around the house but I can't. Why can't I be normal...Why can't I have energy just for once?? It's too hard."How to react usuing validation: "I am tired and have no energy.... eveything feels impossible. But this is how I feel right now and that's ok. It is difficult but I am going to do a little bit of housework anyway."Essentially the difference between not validating and validating yourself is that when you don't validate it's like trying to separate yourself from your emotions. You are wishing they did not belong to you and are trying to make them sit down on a chair somewhere while you get up and walk away. But separating yourself from your emotions is as impossible as willing your leg to fall off. When you validate yourself you say to your emtotions that they are unpleasent and horrible but without rejecting them. Kind of like tyring to sheppard some small children along with you.I didn't mean to lecture... just to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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